10 more non-statements Congress can use in the non-fight against ISIS

A recent Washington Post opinion piece sharply criticized President Obama’s policies in confronting the threats from ISIS in Iraq and Syria. The piece also put the crosshairs on the measured Congressional response, saying it substituted “actual thought” and real strategy for overused, cliché statements from Congress like these:

“The world needs American leadership,” said Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, the new House speaker.

“We want our homeland to be secure,” Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California said.

Rep. Steve Scalise from Louisiana said we need “go and root out and take on ISIS.”

Not to be outdone, Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington State said we must “rise to the challenge” and find “the courage and the resolve.”

In the spirit of helping the U.S. fight the good fight, Team Mighty thought of 10 more non-statements lawmakers and other administration officials can use to continue not implementing a policy that meaningfully counters the threat:

1. “Smoke ’em out”

This was a staple of the days after 9/11 and the early days of the invasion of Afghanistan. While we may not have smoked out Osama bin Laden, we sure did smoke a lot of others. President Bush said it a lot while forces were building up and Green Berets were on horseback getting vengeance.  He couldn’t just tell us U.S. troops were already in Afghanistan, but he had to say something.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uhoj_uwIeyM

My sincere apologies for referencing Fahrenheit 9/11. But you get it. He said it a lot.

2. “Time will tell”

This is the ultimate phrase to use as an excuse to skate. You don’t have to do anything at all, and you’re outright saying that’s your entire strategy.

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3. “We need to build a bipartisan consensus”

There are a surprising number of different times this happened.

There are a surprising number of different times this happened.

In the current political environment, this will guarantee nothing will ever happen against the terrorist organization. The only thing our Congress can build bipartisan consensus on is . . . well, nothing.

4. “We need a Marshall Plan for [insert crisis here].”

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This refers to the massive economic undertaking led by the U.S. to help rebuild Western Europe after WWII. The great part about this line is it makes whomever says it look like a big picture thinker, but no one is ever going to ask him about that Marshall Plan thingy ever again.

5. “We need higher level engagement with [insert country with which the U.S. has a toxic relationship here]”

This is another great one to use, because you can pass the blame on to someone like Russia, who seems like a pretty stubborn country, right? It’s like saying “Oh, I’d be in there right now, killing terrorists like whoa, but Putin won’t coordinate and we don’t want to start World War III here, do we?”

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You’re not just a strategist, you’re a diplomat.

6. “We need a more comprehensive approach that integrates military and non-military tools”

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Because everyone knows DoD and State work so well together. Wasn’t the Iraq War a perfect example of government agency interoperability? This also leaves everyone wondering and speculating just which tools you’re talking about.

7. “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle”

movies-funny-shit-legend-morgan-freeman

This is perfect if you’re a politician because you get to imply you’re doing something, reassure the public that you’re on the case AND invoke god, without having to do anything at all. It’s like a reelection hat trick.

8. “We should work with our allies to do [the thing we know damn well we’ll never get done]”

If you’re watching a Presidential debate involving foreign policy, drink every time someone invokes working with our allies and then comes up with some long Rube Goldberg pipe dream of doing whatever with 12 countries who don’t have the same foreign policy goals.

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Just kidding, don’t do that. You will die trying.

9. “It’s a game changer.”

One canned statement is probably not going to cover everything ISIS does. You may have to face the media again when the terrorists step up their game. When a politician needs to do something but really wants to continue the status quo for fear of making a mistake, this is the go-to line.

homer-flip-off

10. “This is a Code Red”

This one has also gained popularity around the NFL recently when describing the need for a win at any cost in the middle of a losing season. But what happens after you go to Code Red? It’s not clear, but it better be good.

Be careful with this one, it’s more like a bet the terrorists won’t “go there.” But they probably will, and now you’ve just backed yourself into a corner.

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