7 coolest ways to blow up the enemy's HQ

Dude, your enemy sucks. I don’t know who they are (is it ISIS? Are you fighting ISIS right now?), but they’re really dangerous and I’m pretty sure they just said something untoward about your mother. It’s time to take out most of the leadership in one fell swoop by hitting their headquarters.

But how do you blow up an entire castle/fortress/tent (again, I don’t know who your enemies are. Nazi Germans? They liked castles…)? Here are seven plans that will always work, but you may want to pack some ear plugs. Spoiler alert: there will be explosions:

1. Cruise missile to the face

A Tactical Tomahawk Cruise Missile launches from the forward missile deck aboard the guided-missile destroyer USS Farragut (DDG 99) during a training exercise. | US Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Leah Stiles

This is a Tomahawk Cruise Missile. It will absolutely ruin the day of any recipients. (Photo: U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Leah Stiles

You still have at least three days of killing the enemies’ goons before you can get inside the building to send them to their makers, but all the leadership may flee before you arrive. What should you do?

Time for a cruise missile. These bad boys fly at low levels below most radar coverage, turning and winding their way through mountain passes and other obstacles until they reach their target. Once they arrive, they’re going to “disrupt” the headquarters pretty hard.

2. Sustained artillery barrage

USS_Iowa_1984-battleship-naval-artillery-firing

Naval artillery barrages are still artillery barrages. (Photo: U.S. Navy PH1 Jeff Hilton)

Of course, if you’ve already gotten your forces close to the enemy headquarters, it can be fun to put on the world’s most lethal fireworks show and all-percussion concert. Just give your artillerymen a few minutes warning, and they’ll be ready to orchestrate a masterpiece.

3. Bombing mission

Airstrike ISIS Islamic State

Ooooh. Hope you didn’t recently redecorate or anything. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps Lance Cpl. James J. Vooris)

If you already own the airspace (which, with the F-22, is likely), then you can get all the pyrotechnics of a cruise missile strike at a fraction of the cost per weapon. Just send a few fighters to keep your bombers and ground attack planes safe and let nature take its course.

Warheads on foreheads.

4. Close combat air/close air support

A-10-bomb-run

The Warthog in all her glory. Sorry, sorry–the Thunderbolt II. (Photo: U.S. Air Force)

If you realize that the castle/fortress/tent is a headquarters only at the last minute, you may not have time to do the full integration and planning needed for a standard bombing mission. All of a sudden, that JTAC in your unit stops being the butt of all those Air Force jokes and starts being the answer to your prayers.

The JTAC will tell all those nearby air assets where the guys who need to die are, where the nearest friendlies are, and from what angle you will be filming them for the YouTube video. The pilots will take care of the rest.

5. Clear the HQ with infantry, then let the engineers go nuts

The engineers use controlled detonations to get rid of buildings. It looks like this except, instead of just the door blowing up, everything blows up. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Justin T. Updegraff)

The engineers use controlled detonations to get rid of buildings. It looks kind of like this except, instead of just the door blowing up, everything blows up. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps Cpl. Justin T. Updegraff)

No air assets at all? Feel like you didn’t coordinate this attack very well but now isn’t the time for armchair generals. Let the infantry run wild and take the building by force. You won’t get the immediate satisfaction of an air strike, but the combat engineers come with the grunts and are pretty good at destroying literally anything. Expect your C4 stock to fall low very suddenly.

Of course, if your infantry is carrying enough missiles and mortars, you may not need the engineers.

6. Tanks at close range

1st Armored Brigade Combat Team, 1st Infantry Division Soldiers conduct a live-fire accuracy screen test, to calibrate the tank’s fire control system, on their M1A2 Abrams tank Nov. 13, 2014, at the Udairi Range Complex, Camp Buehring, Kuwait. U.S. Army photo by 1st Lt. Austin McGuin

Army 1st Infantry Division Soldiers conduct a live-fire accuracy screen test to calibrate the tank’s fire control system on Nov. 13, 2014, in Camp Buehring, Kuwait. (Photo: U.S. Army 1st Lt. Austin McGuin)

Hey, if you brought a bunch of armored beasts with 120mm cannons on the front, you know what to do. High explosive rounds are the obvious choice for the mission, but this writer humbly suggests trying canister shot. It takes longer and there’s no tactical advantage, but watching the building get chewed up by a constant barrage of steel balls would be pretty entertaining.

7. Screw it–hit it with nukes

Castle-bravo-nuclear-tests-TX-21-shrimp-device

(Photo: U.S. Archives)

Is the building too thick for canister shot? And high explosive rounds? And bunker busters and artillery and engineers? Oh well. Time for the ultimate trump card. Just be sure to accurately measure the effects of any lithium included in the mix. That stuff can quickly ruin your day at the beach.

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