7 special operations forces the military really needs

America’s operators are the best in the world, but they’re focused on kicking down doors, killing terrorists, and training allies.

Special Operations Command could use more flexibility, especially when it comes to future fights. Here are 7 new special operations units America needs:

1. Chairborne Rangers


Photo: US Navy Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Sandra M. Palumbo

As drones become more advanced, infantry robots will eventually reach the battlefield. Chairborne Rangers are the best Call of Duty players, honed into living weapons. They controls those bots and exist off energy drinks, potato chips, and enabling parents.

2. Schmuckatelli Recovery Group


Photo: US Army Spc. Justin Young

This one is pretty simple. When “Schmuckatelli,” “Joe Schmoe,” or other lackluster troops get themselves locked up in jail or a Tijuana dungeon, the SRG swoops in on black helicopters to rescue them, by force if necessary.

3. Nuptial Prevention Service


Photo: US Air Force Cpt. Angela Webb

The NPS interrupts weddings between troops and anyone they’ve known for less than 72 hours. They’re focused on unions where the potential spouse is a stripper or the service member is deploying within two weeks.

4. Expeditionary PT Belt Deployment Team


Photo Illustration: Logan Nye, WATM

When troops are under fire, conducting an assault, or just running on a dark street and find themselves without a reflective or glow belt, the Expeditionary PT Belt Deployment Team is there to lend a hand and 6 feet of reflective plastic.

5. Space Team 6


Screenshot: Youtube/Fi Skirata

Space warfare is coming, and Space Team 6 supports NASA from staging platforms in orbit. They’d train constantly to remove space pirates from interstellar vessels, board asteroid mining rigs, and destroy alien queens.

6. 1st Special POGs Detachment


Photo: US Marine Corps Sgt. Dustin D. March

The most elite admin soldiers, waterdogs, and geospatial engineers are honed into a filing force that could clear the VA backlog in minutes or create tasty water from the Kandahar Air Field poo pond with just a mosquito net and iodine tablets.

7. Keyboard Rangers Division


Exactly as bad-ss as most keyboard rangers. Image: memegenerator.net

Honestly, the Keyboard Rangers Division is just a way to corral all those Facebook and reddit commenters who keep talking smack about killing ISIS but can’t find a recruiter’s office to save their lives. Keyboard Rangers would be given access to computers that look completely normal, but don’t broadcast to the outside world.