Here are 16 uniform regs you could well be violating right now

Although the military is rich with history and traditions, most of us are too busy to pay attention to the fine print of the uniform reqs. So take a few minutes to scan this list and make sure you’re not setting yourself up for an on-the-spot correction from the first sergeant or some random colonel on base somewhere:

1. While walking only a seabag or purse can be worn across the shoulder.

elvis

Guitars and surfboards have to be hand-carried.

2. Only the CMC, CNO, or CoS can authorize ceremonial uniforms other than those listed in uniform regs.

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(Photo: Warner Bros. Records)

So check with your local four-star service chief if you want to go nuts for your service’s birthday or something.

3. Synthetic hair is authorized only if it presents a natural appearance.

wigs

We’re gonna need a ruling here, JAG . . .

4. Contact lenses must be a natural color.

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(Photo: Universal Pictures)

See bullet no. 3.

5. Unless a medically documented condition exists, white sox are authorized only with white uniforms.

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No “working uniform Buddy Holly” allowed.

6. Only one bracelet and one wristwatch may be worn while in uniform. Ankle bracelets/chains are not authorized.

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No “working uniform Flavor Flav” allowed.

7. Polishing of medals is prohibited.

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Is that what they’re calling it now?

8. Women’s underpants/brassieres shall be white or skin color when wearing white uniforms, otherwise color is optional. White undershorts/ boxers are required for men when wearing white uniforms.

(U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Brien Aho)

(U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Brien Aho)

Oh . . . color is optional. We assumed it was something else.

9. Uniforms may be tailored to provide a well-fitting, professional military bearing. They shall not be altered to the extent of detracting from a military appearance, nor shall they be tailored to the point of presenting a tight form fit.

blue-angels-autographs

Apparently the Blue Angels didn’t get the word.

10. Hair will not contain an excessive amount of grooming aids, touch the eyebrows when groomed, or protrude below the front band of properly worn headgear.

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(Photo: NPR.org)

All regulations are subject to change, of course . . .

11. Men are authorized to have one (cut, clipped or shaved) natural, narrow, fore and aft part in their hair. Hair cut or parted at an unnatural angle is faddish and is not authorized.

vanilla-ice-vintage-jean-paul-gaultier-56-8272-sunglasses-90s

Cause we don’t do “faddish,” only “traddish.”

12. Bulk of hair for both males and females shall not exceed 2 inches. Bulk is defined as the distance that the mass of the hair protrudes from the scalp.

phil-spector

There’s mass and then there’s mass.

13. Fingernails for men shall not extend beyond the end of the finger; and fingernails for women shall not exceed 1/4 inch beyond the end of the finger.

nosferatu

Easy with the rahnowr!, troops.

14. Non-prescription sunglasses are not authorized for wear indoors unless there is a medical reason for doing so.

(Screenshot: Paramount Pictures)

(Screenshot: Paramount Pictures)

Breaking this one is called “pulling an Iceman.”

15. Retired personnel wearing the uniform must comply with current grooming standards set forth in Uniform Regulations.

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Read and heed, greybeards.

16. Any procedure or components, regarding uniforms or grooming, not discussed in Uniform Regulations are prohibited. (If Uniform Regulations does not specifically say it’s allowed — it’s not authorized.)

What they’re trying to say is the uniform regs conference was only three days long because of budget cuts, and they didn’t have time for every agenda item.

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