6 military jokes troops have heard a million times

Military members have their own inside humor that is often dark and quite hilarious. Then there are the cliche jokes that troops hear all the time. Often interchangeable (substitute an Air Force guy for an Army guy and it’s the same) and heard by your crusty old staff NCO, these jokes aren’t going away anytime soon.

These are the jokes we’ve all heard a million times.

1. A sailor tells a joke to Marines

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, “hey, do you want to hear a Marine joke?” The guy responds, “well, before you tell that, you should know that I’m 6′ tall, 200 pounds, and I’m a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″, weighs 250, and he’s also a Marine.”

“Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”

The sailor says, “Nah, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

2. The military pilot is the center of the universe

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb, and the world revolves around him.

3. The five most dangerous things in the Army (or Marines)

A private saying “I learned this in boot camp…”

A sergeant saying “Just trust me sir…”

A second lieutenant saying “Based on my experience…”

A captain saying “I was just thinking…”

… and a warrant officer saying “Ok now watch this shit.”

4. The Sergeant Major who always uses military time

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a wedding when one of the bride’s guests approached him for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” he said. “Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said it looked like he had seen a lot of action.

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “you know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “you know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are,” she responded. “No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

After glancing at his watch, the Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, “I hope not. It’s only 2130 now.”

5. The silent professionals

How do you know if there is a Navy SEAL at the bar? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you.

6. The urinal joke

A sailor and a Marine are both in the bathroom taking a piss. The sailor finishes up and washes his hands. The Marine gets done, and then immediately starts heading for the door. The sailor stops him and says, “in boot camp, they teach us to wash our hands after we take a leak.” The Marine replies, “in our boot camp, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”

Have any to add? Throw yours in the comments section!

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