4 fictional countries America should invade

Ever since a 2015 poll revealed that a certain slice of Americana supported bombing Agrabah, the fictional city Disney’s Aladdin calls home, it’s been interesting to consider what other fictional countries have actually messed with the United States and totally gotten a pass. Agrabah didn’t actually damage its relations with the U.S., presumably because the U.S. either doesn’t exist yet in that world, or because they don’t have oil.

Fictional countries need regime change

Or because Magic isn’t considered a WMD… yet.

Meanwhile, a number of other countries have attacked America and/or its American heroes and haven’t yet met the full-on retaliation they deserve.

1. Pottsylvania — “Rocky and Bullwinkle”

These guys have been sending special agents to try and kill American heroes FOR YEARS. Pottsylvania is populated entirely by special agents and saboteurs.

Their children are taught assassination techniques and espionage practices from an early age, their highest medal is the Double Cross and their mysterious dictator (known only as “Fearless Leader”) makes Kim Jong-Un look like a teddy bear. Their two most active agents are skilled infiltrators and have never been captured.

fictional countries

They are pictured on this surveillance photo, planting an IED.

2. Bilya — “Iron Eagle”

Bilya is supposed to be a fictional Arab state in the Middle East. These guys had the balls to shoot down an American F-16, capture its pilot, and then sentence him to hang in a show trial.

Fictional countries

This is not the face of someone who is just going to let that happen.

Luckily, the pilot’s 16-year-old son Doug (an Air Force Academy reject) and Chappie, an Air Force Reserve pilot, steal two F-16s of their own and fly off to Bilya to rescue him. What should have happened was America launching an all-out raid on Bilyan infrastructure and military targets. Then, after they released the American they took for no reason, the Bilyans would pay us back the $18 million they owe us for shooting down our F-16.

3. Val Verde —  “Commando,” “Predator,” and “Die Hard 2

This nondescript South American country has more coups than a flock of pigeons (say that sentence aloud for the full effect). For some reason, all of their worst representatives seem to end up in the United States, ready to coerce American heroes to do their bidding.

Fortunately, John Matrix lives inside an unlimited ammo cheat code world.

In “Commando,” a deposed dictator named Arius kidnaps John Matrix’ daughter to force him to kill the current president (of Val Verde). Spoiler Alert: he doesn’t even make it to Val Verde. Instead, he ices every single person who came near his daughter.

I hope Val Verde at least has good veteran's hospitals.

I hope Val Verde at least has good veteran’s hospitals.

In “Die Hard 2,” terrorists hit an airport to free another captured dictator, ruining John McClane’s Christmas, everyone’s flight schedules, and never taking any blame for what they do.

That's United Airlines' job

And that is United Airlines’ job.

In “Predator,” Dutch Schaeffer’s commando team has to mount a hostage rescue from guerrillas in Val Verde. You might know what happens next (hint: it has something to do with an invisible alien).

predator-blain-chest

“Well, he has plenty of time to bleed now.” (20th Century Fox)

Seriously, how many times do they get to mess with America before we do something about this? Who is the President in this movie universe? And I am dying to know more about this place – what are the exports, other than terrorism and contras?

4. Latveria – Marvel Comics

A perfectly normal country. (Marvel)

Latveria: a perfectly normal country.

Latveria is an Eastern European nation tucked back into the Carpathian Mountains, led by a guy whose name is freaking Dr. Victor von Doom. Even George W. Bush could convince the world that this guy needed to be ousted, and he wouldn’t have to throw Colin Powell under a bus to do it.

Besides, Russia already has a Dr. Doom.

Besides, Russia already has a Dr. Doom.

Dr. Doom is obviously a state sponsor of terrorism. Doom is responsible for the proliferation of chemical weapons, attempted assassinations of allied heads of state, and oh so many crimes against humanity.

And like many 20th century dictators, Dr. Doom got the Kissinger seal of approval.

And like many 20th century dictators, Dr. Doom got the Henry Kissinger seal of approval.

The Fantastic Four can bring down Hitler, a being who eats planets, and the Prince of Darkness, but can’t seem to overthrow this tiny country and oust its metal-faced dictator? It’s time to send in the Marines.

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