6 reasons 'Full Metal Jacket' should have been about Animal Mother

In 1987, Warner Brothers released one of the most iconic Vietnam War dramas ever recorded on film: Full Metal Jacket.

The story follows Joker, a young Marine reporter who wants to be the first kid on his block to get a confirmed kill during his tour in Vietnam.

Although the film is epic, did you ever wonder how different it would be if it followed Animal Mother instead of Joker? Well, we did.

Related: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

6. The boot camp could have been even more interesting.

We’re all fans of watching Gunny Hartman train those recruits — especially Gomer Pyle — in the first act of the film. With Animal Mother in the platoon, we bet that not only would he be the squad leader, but the blanket party scene would have come much sooner.

Soap wrapped in a towel is a common tool to use during a blanket party. (Image via Giphy)

5. There would have been way more sh*t talking — and we like that.

We can all say Animal Mother was a hardcore killer and has minimal social skills, especially when Marine reporters from Stars and Stripes show up.

Although he tends to fire off his mouth as often as he fires his M60. Seeing him verbally torment more of the film’s characters would be freakin’ funny to watch.

Animal Mother, Full Metal Jacket, Adam Baldwin

“You talk the talk. Do you walk the walk?” (Source: WB)

4. The film’s coverage of the Tet Offensive would have been much different.

We only see a small fraction of the bloody campaign that takes places through Joker’s lens. Once Joker and Rafterman meet up with Hotel Company 1/5, Crazy Earl tells us a quick story of how they came to Hue City and took on a massive enemy force.

We would have loved to have seen that footage through Animal Mother’s POV.

Animal Mother, Full Metal Jacket, Crazy Earl

Crazy Earl and his deceased counterpart. (Source: WB)

3. The film would have had a sex scene for sure.

Remember when Animal Mother c*ckblocked Eightball when that Vietnamese girl came around? Sure you do. Well, we think it would have been interesting to catch a glimpse of him and her having sex doing their taxes in the following scene.

Animal Mother, Full Metal Jacket, Adam Baldwin

We Are The Mighty does not condone prostitution. (Source: WB)

2. More erratic shooting.

Animal Mother was known for being trigger happy and spraying rounds everywhere.

We understand that it’s not the most accurate way of discharging your weapon, but when you’re shooting that thing on full auto — it’s f*cking hard to control.

Animal Mother, Full Metal Jacket, Adam Baldwin

The only way to fire your weapon is while you’re sporting your war face. (Source: WB)

Also Read: 5 ways your platoon would be different if ‘The Punisher’ was the CO

1. Animal Mother’s backstory and how he got that epic name.

Joker wasn’t the most exciting character in the film, yet we knew slightly more about him than anyone else. We’re curious what someone has to do to earn the name Animal Mother.

A little more backstory would have been cool, but apparently Stanley Kubrick didn’t want to show any humanity in the film.

Animal Mother, Full Metal Jacket, Adam Baldwin

“Better you than me.” (Source: WB)

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