5 Marine things Kylo Ren would do if he was a Lance Corporal

The Force Awakens star Adam Driver enlisted in the Marine Corps after the events of Sept. 11, 2001, as a Mortarman (0341) until he was medically discharged in 2004 at the rank of Lance Corporal.

So if we have fun with this and re-imagine his most iconic character, Kylo Ren, with that Terminal Lance mentality.

It’s already a perfect match. He worships Vader like every Marine does Chesty Puller, totally has a thing for the girl from another service (hey Air Force, how you doing?), and he’d still be “that guy” to have ‘Jedi’ on his dog tags.

#1. He would force choke anyone who said “Chocolate peanut butter is better than Jalapeño Cheese.”

The real fight in the Marines isn’t just between Island and Hollywood Marines. It’s between which MRE spread is better — Chocolate Peanut Butter or Jalapeño Cheese.

Kylo Ren wouldn’t have time for anyone who spreading such blasphemy and choke the sh*t out of them.

He’s also not a fan of anyone who calls the Woobie a “Pancho Liner” (Film “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” By Disney)

#2. He and the Knights of Ren would be why everyone is restricted to Starkiller Base

Kylo and his boys, the Knights of Ren, are probably responsible for the destruction in the new trailer and why Luke Skywalker goes into hiding.

If they were in the Corps and kept that sh*t up, their asses would be restricted faster than you can say “Ninja Punch.”

Kylo and the boys squading up for the 4-day liberty (Film “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” By Disney).

#3. He could probably make NCO, if he didn’t get NJP’d so many times.

Everyone is just kind of used to Kylo screwing around that when two Stormtroopers are walking by they don’t even react.

If he was a Lance Cpl., his ass would standing in front of Captain Phasma every single time. Only thing stopping them from kicking him out is how valuable he is to the First Order.

No sympathy for her though if she’s one of those officers who wears a cape just because she’s authorized. (Film “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” By Disney)

#4. He would viciously mock the POG Stormtroopers.

Kylo is constantly out on missions. He’s infantry as f*ck. So much so that Adam Driver hates joyful hugs on set.

Not all Stormtroopers are infantrymen. There has to be some support guys back on base, like how Finn was janitorial duties before becoming a traitor. Expect Lance Cpl. Ren to remind them of how “useful” they are every single day.

Related: 6 reasons why it would suck to be a Stormtrooper in Star Wars

Everyone wants to be a grunt until it’s time to do grunt sh*t. (Film “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” By Disney)

#5. He’d skate his way out of any working party that came his way.

Lance Cpl. Ren would totally use his mind tricks on whoever is in charge of the duty roster.

Anything major comes up that he can’t mind trick his way out of, he’d “just happen” to have a meeting with Supreme Leader Snoke at the time.


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