5 things boot Marines buy with their first paycheck

Basic Training is done, you've gotten back from leave where you showcased your fancy new uniforms, an emaciated body, and that wicked farmer's tan. Now, you're checking in to SOI/ITB and have, for the first time in your life, money in the bank. What are young boot Marines to do? Invest in a diversified stock portfolio and get a healthy head-start on a lifetime of financial security? No, no! Spend those liquid assets fast, before they can multiply. One may visit either coast's Infantry Training Battalion and witness the shockingly consistent fruits of boot labor.

If the Marine Corps wanted you to have one, they would've issued it to you — and they did.

So, buy another one and everyone at the Oceanside movie theater will assume you're a boot Marine. Besides, how else will you carry all those items you and your mandatory-for-off-base-liberty battle buddy need to see movies and buy ice cream?

Listen, sergeant said that hydration is continuous and dammit, that's exactly what you are gonna do after purchasing this sweet Nalgene.

Every available square inch of its surface area needs to saturated with pure motivation, complete with a tagline. Both "Mess with the best, die like the rest" and "No better friend, no worse enemy" are acceptable entries. Just be sure to get the twenty-ounce bottle — the thirty-two doesn't fit into your day pack's designated bottle holster.

You've managed to get "out in town" safely, stayed hydrated, and then you see a local bar, "Goody's." There are only Marine patrons angrily lined up to swallow that sweet nectar.

How are you going to break the ice with some of these long-time warriors? If only there was a physical manifestation of all the military trials you've experienced. Something you could hand to another leatherneck to create an instant connection and maybe even cause him to buy you a drink. Good news, your mother bought you just the thing in the MCRD San Diego gift shop.

Slam it on the table, big boy. This is your moment.

Okay, so no one bought you a drink, but at least everyone in the bar laughed with you until you left. Those guys really appreciated your presence, but none of the ladies out here are showing you much attention.

They must not know you are a Marine, despite the pack, bottle, and sweet high and tight. How can you simultaneously be humble, but still let everyone know you're an American badass, all while enjoying style and comfort?

The PX has all your dreams hanging on the rack next to the PT gear, now pull out that Pacific Marine card and make it rain Teufel Hunden.

It's sunny and sergeant has already given a class on eye pro, so what's the problem? The ones they issued you aren't what Hoot wore in Black Hawk Down. He had Oakleys on and so will you, but not just any pair will do. There is a military-only edition at the MCX on "main side;" accept no substitutes.

Now that you are the epitome of awesomeness and everyone knows you're directly providing them with freedom and security, you can finally rest in your squad bay. Order some Domino's pizza, gather around that one guy who bought a laptop, and enjoy Starship Troopers for the thirteenth time.

You earned it, Marine!

Did we leave anything out? Have you noticed a trend among young boot Marines? Let me know in the comments below.