The most unintentionally hilarious Rumsfeld 'snowflake' memos

On Jan. 24, the first portion of the roughly 59,000 pages’ worth of Donald Rumsfeld’s memos were released after an almost seven-year-long legal battle under the Freedom of Information Act. The first 913 pages cover part of his time as the Secretary of Defense during 2001.

They were nicknamed “snowflakes” by his aides, as the pieces of paper would often have just a few sentences written them and would cover the Pentagon like a blizzard. It is completely understandable that former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was a busy man pre- and post-9/11, but his memos make him seem less like the Chief Executive Officer of the Armed Forces and more like Bill Lumbergh from Office Space.

While all 913 pages (well, 912 — page 262 is blank) of the snowflakes can be found here, we’ve taken the liberty to poke fun at what was sure to have given Pentagon staffers a headache.

He wanted a single piece of paper describing all the aircraft and ranking them by cost and “lethality”

Rumsfeld Snowflake 26 Feb 2001

Obviously the BRRRRRRRT is number one. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He thinks “Homeland Defense” sounds too German.

Rumsfeld snowflake 27 feb 2001

Homeland. Vaterland. Same thing, right? (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He probably understood how sh*t of a campaign “Army of One” actually was

Rumsfeld Snowflake 27 Feb 2001

It really was a sh*t slogan. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He wanted “food buttons” and was told they’re already in the works by the Sergeant Major of the Army

(Rumsfeld Snowflake, 9 Mar 2001)

Lucky… I want a food button… (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He asked if the military had a policy on gambling. The article he was referencing is here.

Rumsfeld Snowflake 13 Mar 2001

If the boss doesn’t know about the rule, does that mean we get a pass to gamble?(Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He mentioned bringing up a test for soldiers to wear the black beret that was Army-wide on June 14th, 2001.

Rumsfeld snowflake 18 mar 2001

There was one. They were called Ranger School or SF Selection. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He wondered why the DoD protected the endangered wildlife native to military installations

Rumsfeld snowflake 27 mar 2001

You dare insult the 29 Palms Tortoise!?! Those creatures are… yeah. They’re pretty f*cking useless. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He hates initials, acronyms, and words he doesn’t understand.

Rumsfeld snowflake 9 june 2001

“I hate initials… so please initial that you understand this…”(Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He wondered why the Navy trains.

Rumsfeld snowflake 11 July 2001

Yeah, Navy! What do you even do? …Oh? Lots? Oh, okay. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He wanted an eye open for oil.

Rumsfeld snowflake 31 July 2001

Well, conspiracy theorists, have fun with this one… (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He couldn’t get the conference call to work properly.

Rumsfeld snowflake 7 sep 2001

Blame S-6. Everyone else does. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He doesn’t like standing for interviews. He wants to lean forward.

Rumsfeld Snowflake 18 Sept 2001

Looks like somebody researched body language. BZ. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He got really ticked off when one of his Generals showed up late.

Rumsfeld snowflake 19 oct 2001

I guess the “if you’re on time, you’re late” thing applies to all ranks. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He wanted a list of good things and bad things. No context. Just lists.

Rumsfeld snowflake 23 nov 2001

Slow your roll, Petyr Baelish. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He doesn’t have time to figure out time zones.

Rumsfeld snowflake 26 Nov 2001

12:55. But I mean, Google was only a thing for a few years at this point. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He really wanted that dental appointment.

Rumsfeld snowflake 28 Nov 2001

At this point, he kind of seems like a passive-aggressive roommate. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

He had high hopes that the war on terrorism would end soon.

Rumsfeld snowflake 17 dec 2001

That’s not even a bridge they’ll have to cross over 16 years and one month later. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)