The Olympic events each branch would be awesome at
People around the world watch in awe as the Olympic Games begin. Athletes, who have spent their entire lives mastering their given sport, are pitted against each other for the chance to emerge as the world’s greatest.
Yet, there’s always the few watching who say to themselves, “pssssh, that’s easy! I got this!” Many members of that group are veterans. Based entirely off of stereotypes associated with each branch of the armed forces, these are the events that we would dominate if given the chance.
1. Soldiers would win the biathlon.
In case you don’t know what a biathlon is, you cross-country ski for around 10 kilometers while carrying your rifle to eventually shoot at targets.
It’s basically a ruck march in the snow, minus the rucksack and plus some skis. And you actually get to shoot your rifle instead of just carrying it.
2. Marines would win shooting events.
Every Marine is a rifleman, right? The one thing Marines can confidently brag about over everyone else is their marksmanship.
If they brag about being able at shoot 500 meters with a rifle chambered in 5.56, they should clean the floor at 50 meters, prone with a .22 LR caliber rifle.
3. Airmen would win cycling.
Airmen had cycling as a standard fitness test event until 2003, but it seems like every Airman is still obsessed with telling you how great their spin class is. So, why not put them to the test?
Just swap the PT belt for a spandex onesie and you’re set!
4. Coast Guardsmen would win sailing.
Coast Guardsmen are here for two things: Kicking drug-smuggler ass and sailing. And at the Olympics, they’ll be all out of drug smugglers.
Our beloved Puddle Pirates are known for sailing all sorts of ships, so why not teach a few to sail Olympic regulation ships between drug busts?
5. Sailors should dominate beach volleyball.
Come on, sailors! If you guys are going to get upset about the Top Gun jokes while simultaneously playing volleyball for PT in the morning, at least win Olympic gold!
If sailors brought home gold, I think we’d all stop the jokes — or they’d never stop… it’s worth looking into, though.