MIGHTY MILSPOUSE

5 tips to make your next military ball a disaster

Definitely drink all the drinks. All of them.

With your next military ball around the corner, it's time to start thinking about how you can ruin the whole event. With a few ill-timed drinks and a flare for the dramatic, your entire night can go up in flames, so long as you try hard enough!


Jot down these disastrous effects for a quick way to turn any military ball terrible.

1. Talk smack!

That one guy who made everyone mad? Or the investigation that's ongoing and hush-hush? Now is the PERFECT time to bring it up. Loudly. Ask for all the juiciest gossip and pass it along to the high ups. Be sure to sprinkle your own opinions and conspiracy theories for maximum effect.

Who's calling JAG? Get the press involved. WTF Moments will be in the know if you have anything to say about it!

2. Wear the wrong kind of undergarments

We're talking a too-small strapless bra that cuts off circulation, layers of Spanx that require you to get completely naked for a bathroom break. Maybe one of those pasties that comes unstuck right in the middle of your main course. Get creative! The worse the fit and function, the rockier your night will fare! Dresses with heavy sequins or glitter that trails your every move are also among top contenders.

3. Drink 'til you drop

Shots are ALWAYS a good idea. Always.

Chug a lug! Nothing screams "disaster" quite like throwing up after on your spouse's boss. Extra points if you can get a few of them with your booze-soaked contents. Where's the general at, anyway? Take shots -- the louder you are about it, the better. Shots! Shots! Shots! Don't forget to make your way up to the grog, either. Your night will not be complete without it, obviously.

4. Rub ALL the pregnant bellies

See those sober ladies watching you with wide eyes? It's because they want you to rub their growing bellies for good luck. They won't say it, but it's all they can think about. Talking to each in-utero babe will bring added wonder to your night of joy. Unsure if it's a baby in there? Better rub that belly anyway! How else would the night remain as one of the worst of all time?!

5. Help yourself to the desserts

Did you know that when you arrive, dessert is already on the table? Get there first, and you can have your pick of the lot. Or better yet, you can just have it ALL! Be sure to stack up dirty dishes and to discuss -- loudly -- how good it was to finish dessert for the table. Leave the napkin for later, though; chocolate on the face will help complete your overall vibe.

Ready to have your worst military ball yet? Best of luck to all who stand in your path -- in fact, it's best to push them out of the way -- especially as you run to the stage for an impromptu speech. Stiff arms out and spirit in your heart.

Godspeed on this terrible endeavor.

And as always, 'Merica!