Have you ever been lost for words in how to approach a serious conversation? As military spouses, we may feel vulnerability is a bad thing, but it's crucial to have meaningful, heartfelt conversations. Have you ever shared legitimate fears, hoping for a safe space to find relief, and were met with jokes or platitudes? Here are a few ways we weave vulnerability into our conversations.
Please, Sir, can I have some more?
Asking for what you need might sound demanding, but this request allows the other person to know what you're looking for to support you better. Ideas for phrase starters could look like: "I'm looking for encouragement…advice…a reminder I'm not crazy and can do this," Sometimes as listeners, we advise because we want to help when the other person is just looking to vent or verbally process. Knowing this information beforehand gives the listener insight into how to respond in a way that nourishes each of you.
Let’s take it to the next level
What do you do when you want to have a serious conversation and do not want to be brushed aside or met with sarcasm? Using this 'level' tool, you can set the tone for discussion beforehand.
- Level 1 is everyday chat, light-hearted fun.
- Level 3 is, 'I want you to take me seriously and hear me out; please don't make light of this.'
- Level 5 is divorce talks or a year-long unaccompanied tour announcement. A high stakes all-hands-on-deck conversation.
By stating the level, you give the person you are hoping to talk with an understanding of where you are mentally.
Hurry Up and Wait
Be prepared to wait if you ask for a level 3+ conversation. If they are in the middle of a project, they may need to get back to you later to give you proper attention. Adding more care to our conversations is a gift. Providing clarity on the topic helps them mentally prepare as well. For example: "Hey, hun, I'd love to have a level 3 about your deployment next week, we need to make a plan," or, "Hey, mom, level 5, I'm four months into a one-year deployment, with three kids. I'm not okay. I need help."
When we share the topic of conversation and use an easy tool like levels, we can let people know the seriousness of our feelings before the discussion even starts. Using these tools can change the conversation from one of frustration to one of vulnerability and met hearts.