We see you. Peering through the windows of your government-issued duplex at the neighbor's waving flag, sizzling grill and luscious green patch of America. No amount of rent-controlled water allowance has produced grass so green on your side of things, despite the best of efforts. How is it that lawncare has suddenly become a relevant metaphor for marriage? Happily ever military didn't tell you about the unspoken vow we all recite, to endure. To preserve during droughts, rebuild after landslides, and endure no matter where we're planted.
Military marriage is about watering the lawn you have today, and sometimes, calling it for what it is and putting down a patch of turf to get by. Here to help is advice from spouses in it for the long haul.
We all pick fights when the schedule goes completely nuts.
"I'm guilty of misdirecting my anger at my husband, when really it's the late nights and last-minute changes that I'm angry at," says Kayla Narramore, United States Marine Corps spouse.
A good marriage requires balance, but all too often, everything you had planned gets scratched at the last minute. Remembering that unlike conventional jobs, when they're coming home, what happens next, and how long they'll be gone can all change at any given time. Analyze what, not who you're frustrated with instead.
Relying on friends is how we all get by
Your service member is your life partner, but your military friends are who you can depend on. Scheduling a kid-free hair appointment, catching the flu, or even a night out are all normal tasks spouses rely on each other to tackle, but all run the risk of being canceled without much notice. Try penciling in your spouse as the back-up, with a non-active duty person as the primary. Always hope that they can step up, but this insulated plan keeps a fight or feelings of being let down out of the equation.
Counseling is not only for quitters
Between deployments, training, and schools that last for months, it's no wonder why the common state of marriage in the military a bit is out of whack. Cohabitating is hard for anyone. Yearly marital checkups should be as commonplace as yearly physicals. Sometimes a nasty cold needs to run its course and sometimes may require treatment. There's no body or no marriage that lives its life with a completely clean slate.
We don’t love putting ourselves on hold either
"I'd love to open a bakery, but we move so often that's nearly impossible," explains Tiana Nomo, Army spouse when discussing her stress points. Coming to grips with what's feasible versus possible is where spouses reframe their world in a positive light. While no one would blame you for feeling envious of their consistent career, remembering the bigger picture is helpful in eliminating circular arguments. Rehash the five-year goals often, to be a truer reflection of both parties' interests.
We don’t always find fitting in easy
"I had gone from working multiple fulfilling jobs to being alone, as a stay at home mom while my husband was deployed. My walls were up, to say the least," says Anna Perez, Army spouse about her time at their first duty station. Military spouses may have one large common denominator but come together from opposite ends of all spectrums in career, life, expectations, and culture. The same can be said for the service member, however, with most of their days and time welded together, bonding appears to come more naturally than for the spouse. Without a secure network, it becomes easy for spouses to begin isolating themselves, even within their marriages. "I reached outside of the post, and into the local town where I found friendships and mentors who changed my outlook and career path," says Perez who has her sights on becoming a lawyer.
Picking up on a theme? So much of military life is unpredictable, taking marital expectations through drastic ups and downs. Learning to love through potential decades of military service requires a strong tolerance for upheaval and a willingness to hang on, even if by one rooted strand.
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