MIGHTY MILSPOUSE

What I wish I knew before marrying my military spouse

Kait Hansen

Getting married can be one of the most exciting times in one's life, and marrying someone who serves is no different. That said, marrying into the military lifestyle can often come with an adjustment period. Ten military spouses agreed to speak candidly about aspects of military life – from moving to education – that they wish they would have known before marrying their spouse.



Friendship

"I wish I knew that friendship would be so, so hard. And that the people I truly view as friends are never close because we move away. Yes, I knew we'd move. But after restarting my life four times now, I am really struggling to make friends and have my own tribe because it's so much effort. And at some duty stations, it's great. Others are terrible and you just never really connect with anyone the entire time (or you do and they of course move one second later). I feel like a lot of people won't be my friend, because they know I will leave too. I also wish I knew that most of the country does not understand our lifestyle, like, at all."
- Melissa Sheridan, Air Force spouse
"Be diligent in finding your people – however many that may be for you – and you'll thrive. Above all else, you will experience the best and worst in the world, but your mindset is everything."
- Missy Moore, Army spouse

Lifestyle

"Life can be a real adventure if you stay open minded and flexible to new people, places and cultures! In my wildest dreams I would have never imagined where this path has led my husband and I. From meeting in Honduras while stationed there, getting stationed in an amazing area of Texas to living in a tropical paradise in Hawaii – just bizarre in all the most amazing ways!"
- Katie Whitehurst, Air Force reservist and Army spouse
"I've never felt more supported than in this community, but I've also never felt so alone. Sometimes you can't wait for that PCS to roll around and others you absolutely dread leaving a place that feels more like home than anywhere else. I wish I'd known that grief can include the giant loss you feel when you are forced to leave a place and people you love. I wish I'd known the guilt I would feel for not giving my children roots."
- Chelsea Coulston, Navy spouse
"It's OK to find a new home and you are going to find friendships that are more meaningful than any in your life prior."
- Jaci Greggs, Army spouse
"Accept that nearly nothing will go according to plan. Write plans down in pencil and buy the refundable tickets! Dates, missions, locations, etc., change often and with little notice."
- Alex Fernandez Rubio, Army spouse
"I didn't expect that we would have a bunch of curtains that will never fit in the next house! I also didn't expect to love the adventure so much. Military life truly is that. It's hard, yes, but it's also allowed me to see the world from a different perspective. Having a baby abroad was an unexpected surprise blessing that we really enjoyed! I also didn't expect how intense the stress levels would be. Stress that isn't what the average person experiences—like traffic—stress that not only cripples the military member, but cripples the entire family both physically and emotionally."
- Caroline Potter, Navy spouse

Education

"I appreciate the college opportunity offered to me as a spouse of an enlisted soldier and I wish more spouses knew about and took advantage of the MyCAA program."
- Jenn Richardson, Army spouse

Career

"I got married at 25. I had no idea at that point how important having a career would be to me, and that maintaining a career would be nearly impossible as a military spouse. We end up taking a backseat to our spouse's career. It's hard personally, professionally, and frankly, financially. The military does not prioritize helping spouses [who have] careers maintain them."
- Julie Yaste, Navy spouse

Wellness

"I wish I would have known how little the military actually cared about the physical and mental health of my spouse. After 15 years, we have realized that it's all a numbers game and about how much they can get out of their members without much regard for the life they have to live after service. I don't think it would have changed my husband's mind regarding his career but I would have approached a lot of things within his job differently regarding health."
- Kylie Martin, Navy spouse
"I wish I had known that my husband would be treated like [a] machine whose mental and physical health doesn't matter. I wish I had known that the military doesn't care about individuals, just the overall result and the ability to get results as quickly as possible."
- Hannah O'Melia Sherriff, Navy spouse

Your Advice for New Military Spouses Facing Their First Deployment

We asked our audience what advice they had for new military spouses facing their first deployment. With hundreds of responses from military spouses from all walks of military life, there is no shortage of support out there for you! Here are some of our favorite responses.

  • Power of Attorney and do NOT listen to all of the freaking horror stories some of the other spouses may impart. Your spouse is not their spouse or their friend's best friend's spouse. Have faith in your spouse instead of the b.s. stories. Brush off the gossip and its mouthpiece. Most of all, take time out for you… mind body and soul. You're strong and you've got this. – Holly M.
  • An amazing spouse told me, "Count paychecks. Because 2 a month is way better than trying to count down 180+ days." Definitely helped! – Caitlin M.
  • Have a candid discussion with both sides of the family about what to expect/not to expect as well as what is helpful/hurtful. Examples: best ways to stay in touch, care package ideas, why he/she can't just come home for special occasions, whether or not R&R is allowed and the process, things always change, etc. – Jane T.
  • Make goals, start a hobby, go back to school. Take care of yourself. Make time for self care. Talk about your spouse being gone, especially with your kids. Routine, routine (whether you have kiddos or not). Think out of the box for friends, we are a diverse community. Remember to send boxes and little things (I am horrible at this and after four deployments I slack) but I know how much my spouse appreciates a piece of home. It will feel like autopilot sometimes and that's okay. Being sad is okay. Check with all your on post services! I was so young the first time I had no idea all the things I could use like MYCAA scholarships, and spouse get togethers (for parents and child free spouses!) just know you're not alone. It never gets easier and every tour will have its struggles but you have tools at your disposal; learn to use them, and yes have a POA. – Andrea R.

This article originally appeared on Military Spouse. Follow @MilSpouseMag on Twitter.