6 ways being in the military prepared us for Fyre Festival

It’s not like anyone serving in the military could ever afford to go to anything like Fyre Festival. Limited leave, income, and service obligations just won’t allow for it.

And let’s be honest: not a lot of the independently wealthy enlist in the military.

trump military school

Though some of them feel like they served in the military.

The Fyre Festival, which founders Ja Rule and Billy McFarland described as “a partnership over a mutual interest in technology, the ocean, and rap music,” made some astonishing promises, at an amazing price range of $1,000-125,000 per ticket.

The festival was supposed to be a luxury getaway weekend full of music with concerts in a remote Bahamas setting, full of five-star dining and whatever else the absurdly rich do. What happened when the private jets dropped off their passengers was less festival, more “Lord of the Flies.”

Here are a few ways the military would have prepared these people to get along before Piggy did and civilization went with him.

1. You know better than to volunteer to spend days on an abandoned beach.

fyre festival

Not sure what they’re complaining about so far.

Those dome tents look pretty comfy, reflecting the light like that. A lot nicer than the military’s waterproof tarp tent that sleeps 12 and keeps in all the body odor and humid air you could possibly want.

2. Those pigs are food.

fyre festival

For at least a platoon. Ever see Black Hawk Down?

Sure, they’re adorable. And probably protected. But when the chow hall is only handing out cheese sandwiches and lettuce, there’s bound to be a negligent discharge sooner or later.

3. You know food could always be a lot worse.

America’s super-rich are probably not used to having to rough it for a long weekend. Why would they be? If I could afford a $2,000 concert ticket, I would probably be a wifi-enabled cyborg. So it’s not really a surprise that the biggest food complaint appeared to be the fact that their “five-star dining” turned out to be a cheese sandwich.

fyre festival chow

Look at that salad though.

It looks pretty rough, sure, but have you ever been to a tent city midnight meal? Midrats aboard a carrier?

fyre festival chow

That corn tho.

Sure, airmen get meat, but can you name that meat? No? enjoy your cheese sandwich.

4. You know which leaders to trust but more importantly, which to avoid.

fyre festival military

This guy has “2LT” written all over him.

While Ja Rule should have been a red flag to most of us, doing some basic research would have revealed that Fyre Festival co-founder Billy McFarland appears unable to open a McDonald’s franchise, let alone a multi-million dollar music festival on a deserted island. These buyers were begging for death.

5. The lawsuit pretty much describes life in the Marine Corps infantry.

The line “dangerously under-equipped and posed a serious danger to anyone in attendance” is used in $100 million class-action lawsuit against the Festival.

fyre festival marines

Marines call that “improvise, adapt, overcome.” (U.S. Marine Corps photo)

Except the Marines are still successful and usually have a plan to get back home.

6. You’re used to leadership passing the blame for failures.

Poor objectives? Terrible leadership? Lack of clear goals? Welcome to the suck. Again: Ja Rule as the unit leader should have been a red flag – but you’re on that island no matter what, so embrace it. No one is going to willing own up to it. And even if they do, the communication will be clear as mud.

trump twitter fyre festival

Luckily no one high up in our Chain of Command uses Twitter to communicate, right?

“I truly apologize as this is not my fault… but i’m taking responsibility” pretty much says everything you need to know.

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