8 Pvt. Karl hijinks that will get you killed
There’s news out of Russia that two were people tragically were killed and another injured after a Russian S-200 anti-aircraft missile accidentally exploded at a recycling center that was sold there, almost certainly after being stolen.
And while we can’t prove this whole ridiculous and tragic event was thanks to Pvt. Karl of the Russian Federation, I mean, come on, it obviously was.
Alongside “selling armed missiles to civilian scrapyards,” here are eight other deadly shenanigans Karl will try to get his comrades wrapped up in as well as how any rational person should respond:
8. Setting up an illegal gambling ring with the Russian mafia
Sure, games of chance are always rigged in the house’s favor, but setting up an underground franchise purchased from the Russian Mafia is a really good way of ending up underground, courtesy of the Russian Mafia, KARL!
7. Taunting paratroopers on their holiday
The Soviet airborne corps had an official holiday on August 2 every year, and the Russian Federation has seen fit to unofficially continue the tradition. But engaging with drunken paratroopers celebrating their own importance is a good way to get turned into a lawn dart, KARL! (As a TV reporter learned in 2017.)
6. Trying to distill liquor in a lead-lined still
Yup, bootlegging is a profitable business. But since no one here has metallurgy or distillery experience, and since lead poisoning will make you go blind, maybe we should stick to just buying vodka, KARL!
5. Selling your winter uniforms every summer
Winter coats are valuable and selling them is an easy way to get some quick cash. But since we’re enlisted soldiers in a country that stretches into the Arctic Circle, maybe we should hold onto them, KARL!
4. Selling weapons and food that “fell off the books” to preppers
So many people are preparing for the apocalypse, and old Soviet stockpiles are popular with them. The modern Russian stuff has to be even better, right? Sure, but getting into the international arms black market probably has some downsides, KARL!
3. Modifying your issued weapons for “enhanced lethality”
Maybe, maybe, maybe if anyone around here had armorer experience, this could be a good idea. But since you can’t even open a soda without cutting your hand open, packing more powder into the ammo casings or adjusting the mechanism for faster full-auto capability sounds like a good way for our boom sticks to actually go boom, KARL!
2. Going in halvsies for a Soviet-made car (only 25% interest!)
Seriously, Karl. This would be a bad deal for a decent, almost new, imported-from-Germany car. And since you can barely drive for more than five minutes after a bar or footlocker of liquor is opened, we could get the same result faster if we just doused you in gasoline and gave you a lighter, KARL!.
1. Hitting on the wife of that pro-military Russian oligarch who came on a morale tour
Yeah, she’s at least a 10. And yes, she’s way closer to our ages than she is to her husband’s. But that does not make this a good idea. She made her choice, and she chose a man who could kill the both of us in a courthouse while surrounded by police and never get arrested, KARL!
Why the Growler is the king of electronic warfare
The mission of the Boeing EA-18G Growler is to use jammers or HARMs to put the enemy's "eyes" out of commission and give allies an airborne advantage.
4 dangers medics face while deployed in combat
Medics are commonly targeted on the battlefield by enemies to take them out of the fight. Without the "Docs" around, the patrol can't correctly function.
5 reasons you should have enlisted as a 'Fister'
Maybe you're picking your MOS based off what you can get. Maybe you're choosing by cool points. When it comes to cool points, one MOS reigns: Fister.
This veteran's Korean-inspired hot sauce will blow your mind
Gochujang is going to be the flavor of 2018. Leave it to an Army Ranger to lead the way in creating one of the tastiest takes on the Korean sauce.
How a good carrier landing can go bad in a hurry
The most stressful time for a naval aviator isn't when he is being shot at by enemy aircraft, it's when he's trying to land on a carrier.
8 Christmas gift ideas for the Air Force
The United States Air Force takes on one of the most important Christmas missions of all - tracking Santa. So they deserve a lot of Christmas loot.
A box of gear from Alpha Outpost for the tactical vet in your life
CEO Daniel Alarik has made the domination of crowded fields into an art form. His latest venture, a tactical subscription box company, is the Mona Lisa.
How a Christmas-gift-to-be turned into a booming vet-owned business
Looking for the perfect gift for the salty veteran in your life and fast running out of ideas? Put those 72 koozies down and check out Medals of America.
This wounded warrior is turning steel into gold in Alabama
Colin Wayne went from an Army National Guardsman to a fitness model to...a steel worker? Wayne’s company, Redline Steel, creates art from steel.