Articles

8 Pvt. Karl hijinks that will get you killed

There's news out of Russia that two were people tragically were killed and another injured after a Russian S-200 anti-aircraft missile accidentally exploded at a recycling center that was sold there, almost certainly after being stolen.


And while we can't prove this whole ridiculous and tragic event was thanks to Pvt. Karl of the Russian Federation, I mean, come on, it obviously was.

Alongside "selling armed missiles to civilian scrapyards," here are eight other deadly shenanigans Karl will try to get his comrades wrapped up in as well as how any rational person should respond:

8. Setting up an illegal gambling ring with the Russian mafia

(Photo: PIRO4D, Creative Commons CC0)

Sure, games of chance are always rigged in the house's favor, but setting up an underground franchise purchased from the Russian Mafia is a really good way of ending up underground, courtesy of the Russian Mafia, KARL!

7. Taunting paratroopers on their holiday

This guy got punched just for talking about paratroopers in Russia on their special day. (GIF: YouTube/Euronews (in English))

The Soviet airborne corps had an official holiday on August 2 every year, and the Russian Federation has seen fit to unofficially continue the tradition. But engaging with drunken paratroopers celebrating their own importance is a good way to get turned into a lawn dart, KARL! (As a TV reporter learned in 2017.)

6. Trying to distill liquor in a lead-lined still

No, Karl, I don't think we should buyout this moonshine operation. I actually don't think we should touch anything here, and I think we should wash our hands.
(Photo: An-d, CC BY-SA 3.0)

Yup, bootlegging is a profitable business. But since no one here has metallurgy or distillery experience, and since lead poisoning will make you go blind, maybe we should stick to just buying vodka, KARL!

5. Selling your winter uniforms every summer

(Photo: Office of the President of Russia)

Winter coats are valuable and selling them is an easy way to get some quick cash. But since we're enlisted soldiers in a country that stretches into the Arctic Circle, maybe we should hold onto them, KARL!

4. Selling weapons and food that "fell off the books" to preppers

(Photo: Russian Ministry of Defence)

So many people are preparing for the apocalypse, and old Soviet stockpiles are popular with them. The modern Russian stuff has to be even better, right? Sure, but getting into the international arms black market probably has some downsides, KARL!

3. Modifying your issued weapons for "enhanced lethality"

(Photo: Russian Ministry of Defence)

Maybe, maybe, maybe if anyone around here had armorer experience, this could be a good idea. But since you can't even open a soda without cutting your hand open, packing more powder into the ammo casings or adjusting the mechanism for faster full-auto capability sounds like a good way for our boom sticks to actually go boom, KARL!

2. Going in halvsies for a Soviet-made car (only 25% interest!)

(Photo: Erdenebayar, Creative Commons CC0)

Seriously, Karl. This would be a bad deal for a decent, almost new, imported-from-Germany car. And since you can barely drive for more than five minutes after a bar or footlocker of liquor is opened, we could get the same result faster if we just doused you in gasoline and gave you a lighter, KARL!.

1. Hitting on the wife of that pro-military Russian oligarch who came on a morale tour

(Photo: Russian Ministry of Defence)

Yeah, she's at least a 10. And yes, she's way closer to our ages than she is to her husband's. But that does not make this a good idea. She made her choice, and she chose a man who could kill the both of us in a courthouse while surrounded by police and never get arrested, KARL!

History

This pilot shot down an enemy fighter at Pearl Harbor in his pajamas

Comfort is important when doing a hard job. If it's hot on the work site, it's important to stay cool. If it's hazardous, proper protection needs to be worn. And comfort is apparently key when the Japanese sneak attack the Navy. Just ask Lt. Phil Rasmussen, who was one of four pilots who managed to get off the ground to fight the Japanese in the air.

Rasmussen, like many other American GIs in Hawaii that day, was still asleep when the Japanese launched the attack at 0755. The Army Air Forces 2nd Lieutenant was still groggy and in his pajamas when the attacking wave of enemy fighters swarmed Wheeler Field and destroyed many of the Army's aircraft on the ground.

Damaged aircraft on Hickam Field, Hawaii, after the surprise Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor.

There were still a number of outdated Curtiss P-36A Hawk fighters that were relatively untouched by the attack. Lieutenant Rasmussen strapped on a .45 pistol and ran out to the flightline, still in his pajamas, determined to meet the sucker-punching Japanese onslaught.

By the time the attack ended, Wheeler and Hickam Fields were both devastated. Bellows Field also took a lot of damage, its living quarters, mess halls, and chapels strafed by Japanese Zeros. American troops threw back everything they could muster – from anti-aircraft guns to their sidearms. But Rasmussen and a handful of other daring American pilots managed to get in the air, ready to take the fight right back to Japan in the Hawks if they had to. They took off under fire, but were still airborne.

Pearl Harbor pilots Harry Brown, Phil Rasmussen, Ken Taylor, George Welch, and Lewis Sanders.

They made it as far as Kaneohe Bay.

The four brave pilots were led by radio to Kaneohe, where they engaged 11 enemy fighters in a vicious dogfight. Even in his obsolete old fighter, Rasmussen proved that technology is no match for good ol' martial skills and courage under fire. He managed to shoot down one of the 11, but was double-teamed by two attacking Zeros.

Gunfire and 20mm shells shattered his canopy, destroyed his radio, and took out his hydraulic lines and rudder cables. He was forced out of the fighting, escaping into nearby clouds and making his way back to Wheeler Field. When he landed, he did it without brakes, a rudder, or a tailwheel.

There were 500 bullet holes in the P-36A's fuselage.

Skillz.

Lieutenant Rasmussen earned the Silver Star for his boldness and would survive the war, getting his second kill in 1943. He retired from the U.S. Air Force in 1965, but will live on in the Museum of the United States Air Force, forever immortalized as he hops into an outdated aircraft in his pajamas.

(U.S. Air Force photo)

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