The 7 cheesiest military movies of all time

Once in a blue moon, Hollywood pops out a really great military movie. Not only does the film have a compelling story, but it’s also rich in technical detail — so troops don’t have to sit through 90 minutes of “dubble yew-tee-eff” when looking at uniform inaccuracies or crazy plot-lines.

But we’re not talking about those movies here. We put our collective heads together to come up with the cheesiest military movies. These are the ones that made us wince, yell at the screen, or walk out of the theater to run to the nearest liquor store.

1. Navy SEALs

In between shooting terrorists, Navy SEALs play golf polo set to “The Boys are Back in Town.” And Charlie Sheen is a cocky jerk. So we guess it’s sort of realistic.

SEALSWINNING

Watch WATM’s synopsis of “Navy SEALs” here. (We just saved two hours of your life. You’re welcome.)

2. The Hurt Locker

Yes, it won an Oscar. It’s also completely terrible. Put on your freakin’ EOD suit when you’re defusing bombs there, Rambo. And last time we checked, it wasn’t a good idea to leave your base at night in Iraq wearing nothing but a hoodie.

3. The Marine

Words fall short.

Facepalm Marine

4. Iron Eagle

Along with the help of a retired colonel, a teenage Air Force brat steals a couple of F-16 jets without anyone really noticing. Then they both manage to take on an (unnamed) Arab state’s air force and rescue his captured dad. But totally worth it just for the bad guy’s quote of “I want these pigs … destroyed.”

iron-eagle-original

5. Act of Valor

To the film’s credit, the action scenes with Navy SEALs taking down houses and shooting the hell out of enemy vehicles were top-notch. But the acting from those same real-life Navy SEALs was (understandably) forced and cheesy. And we were a bit disappointed the bad guys never said, “I want these pigs … destroyed.” And are you looking for a drinking game idea? Take a shot every time one of the SEALs calls another one “bro.”

actofvalor

6. G.I. Jane

A woman gets picked to go through Navy SEAL training. Actually, the movie calls it “Combined Reconnaissance Training,” which isn’t even a thing. So besides getting the name of the training course wrong right out the gate, Lt. O’Neil (played by Demi Moore) goes through training, shaves her head, and does one-armed pushups. Then she saves the day when the trainees (yes, TRAINEES) participate in a rescue mission in Libya. O-kay. (Bonus points for the shower scene, though.)

7. Jarhead 2

While “Jarhead” is based on a book written by a Marine sniper and offered a fairly realistic depiction of infantry life and all its absurdities, “Jarhead 2” is a sequel that has nothing to do with the original, has a ridiculous plot, and follows around Marines who work in supply. Yes, SUPPLY.

jarhead 2

BONUS: Jonn over at This Ain’t Hell pointed this one out to us: “Flesh Wounds,” which he called the absolutely worst military movie ever made. To quote Jonn: “If you’re ever sitting around with your military friends and you want to have a contest counting the mistakes in a war movie, this is the one you want (if they can still see the movie through tears from laughter).”

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