Yelp is a great resource for finding a great restaurant or tourist destination, but it also features reviews from the military community of bases — and some of them are pretty hilarious.
Not every base is on Yelp and not every review is funny, but we looked at some that were and rounded up the ones that made us smile. Here they are (lightly edited for clarity):
Edwards Air Force Base, Edwards, Calif.
“Do you like dirt? If so, then this is the place for you! Have trouble finding your house already? Well make 20x harder because everything looks exactly alike! Enjoy loud noises and constant rumbling? Then Edwards is the place for you!” —Blake H.
Fort Hood, Killeen, Texas
“Fort Hood is a weird parallel universe where discipline, fitness, esprit de corps and pride of service do not exist. All of the worst things associated with ‘big army’ are in full force here. Be prepared to do some epically stupid things here ‘because that’s the way it’s always been done here’ hurr durr derp derp.
If your idea of military service is living in the world’s largest halfway house for violent offenders that happen to wear the same clothes, come on down. Come to the ‘great place’. Derp derp.” —Peter B.
Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Oceanside, Calif.
“Welcome to the early 1960s mindset. The landscape resembles California from 100-200 years ago. Pendleton refuses to fully staff the entrance gates. Officers don’t work but just watch as traffic backs up hundreds of feet. Bored kid traffic cops cruise up and down Vandergrift stopping people on bogus invented charges. They don’t like the way your car looks, they stop you. Traffic laws are different than in the civilian United States. The list of illogical and arbitrary rules is endless.
It’s a small town and high school mentality. They escape to Oceanside where they can be free of their leaders and drink to forget. And look at women. The height of culture at Pendleton is Mcdonalds. Stores are staffed by rude incompetent workers. Both civilians and military gets treated like garbage.” —Buster H.
Fort Irwin National Training Center, Fort Irwin, Calif.
“When a Soldier joins the Army, he is given a canteen of Hooah. Throughout his career he splashes little bits of Hooah out, to get him through deployments and rough times. When he gets to Irwin, he dumps that canteen upside down and pours it out, and shakes out the last drops.” —Johnny S.
Minot Air Force Base, Minot, N.D.
“It’s pretty dull and as it is said, ‘Where all good leaders come to die.'” —Drew O.
Fort Bragg, Fayetteville, N.C.
“There are magical forests filled with trails into nothingness. There are inaccessible lakes that cater to no aspiring outdoorswoman/man. Everything lacks effort. The only feasible recreational area is Smith Lake…and it’s not even on Main Post.” —Christine A.
Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center 29 Palms, Twentynine Palms, Calif.
“Have you ever heard the saying, ‘it could always be worse?’
29 Palms is the only exception.
Do you enjoy…
– waking up in a full body sweat
– being close to nothing
– an endless supply of sketchy people out and about during the night
– a brown, sandy, dusty scenery that lasts year round
If you are a military family, this place will…
– steal your souls
– destroy your family
– make your kids wish they could go back to where the came from, and eventually resent their parents
– make you resent yourself and the Marine corps for putting your family through such a horrible duty station
This place is about as horrible as it gets. ” —Nate. C (there’s even more)