On Veteran's Day, America's bastions of consumer consumables give back to the defenders of The Republic by conspicuously offering copious amounts of free food. They know the target audience well – no one loves a discount like service members and veterans.
A pie-eating contest on the USS Maryland, 1922.
So here's your chance to get out of the house, go dutch with one of the barracks rats, or just take Veteran's Day for all its worth. Here are a few tips to help you make the most of your limited time.
1. Get every last calorie out of it with a "max out meal" on the 10th.
There are a lot of restaurants giving away free stuff. You'll never be able to make the most of it if you have full meals the day before. At least a day before you start eating is when you have what competitive eaters call the "max out meal." You are essentially expanding your stomach as much as possible and allowing that food to get through your system in time for Veteran's Day. This is your last solid food until you arrive at Denny's at 0030, so keep the water and coffee handy.
This diet won Michael Phelps 22 gold medals. Think how it could work for you.
Another tip: I did an intense workout the morning I attempted a 72-oz steak and ended up having room for dessert. Try that and you'll be ready to go all Shock n' Awe at the Shoney's on the 11th.
2. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Design a battle plan for this. Some places open early, some are open later. Come up with a scheme that maximizes your food intake while limiting the time spent in line. The line might move fast at Wienerschnitzel – pick up your chili dogs on the way to Famous Dave's and save them for later.
That's not D-Day. They're seeing how far Max & Erma's is from the Bonefish Grill.
If someone offers breakfast all day, counterprogram: have breakfast for a mid-rats snack! Also, Bob Evans will give you free pancakes for signing up for their email newsletter, why waste the time in line on Veteran's Day when you could be getting French Toast at Friendly's?
3. Avoid Carbs. That's how they f*ck you.
As satisfying as those IHOP Red, White, and Blue Pancakes might be, they fill you up too much, too fast. This is why you shouldn't eat the curly fries that come with Hooter's unlimited wings night – they're a distraction (the unlimited wings are not an option for Hooters' Veteran's Day menu, by the way. Sorry).
Also, fats are good before the workout you'll have... tomorrow.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. Try taking the buns off your All-American Burger, avoid the tortillas with the Chevy's fajitas, and wait a day to get the Chocolate Wave cake from Red Lobster... they'll let you have it for free on the 12th.
4. Use your medal citation as proof of service.
Some places – like Applebee's and On the Border Mexican Grill– allow veterans to self-identify using their medal citations. What could be more awesome than dragging out the padded green plastic cover of your ARCOM medal? Not only are you a veteran, now your actions reflect great credit on yourself and the United States Army.
Some medal citations earn free meals year-round and country-wide, along with drinks, hugs, and sometimes the waitress' phone number. (U.S. Army Photo by Spc. David M. Sharp)
5. Shorten the line by hiring an actor.
If there's one thing post-9/11 veterans love more than free stuff, it's recording stolen valor videos. Pay someone to walk by the restaurant wearing a poorly-designed uniform combination from a local thrift store, and you're guaranteed to cut that long line in half. Pro tip: this may not work at Cracker Barrel, Golden Corral, or anywhere else dominated by Vietnam-era veterans. Those guys care more about the food. People used to dress all kinds of stupid in the 60s and 70s.
Help an "almost-veteran" get what is "kind of a job."
6. Hit up the places you can't afford.
If you're hitting up Golden Corral and the Sizzler on the reg because a steak house is just out of your price range, Veteran's Day is the day to take off your IR flag hat and Ranger Up shirt and slap on a collared shirt to take your battle to McCormick and Schmick's, Bar Louie, and/or one of CentraArchy's nicer steakhouses. Running shoes are still perfectly acceptable attire if two of these restaurants are within jogging distance of one another.
7. Deploy to the local Olive Garden.
The VA taught you how to wait all day just to be disappointed. You know how to entertain yourself while waiting around for hours on end. If running around isn't your thing, the Olive Garden is giving away a Veteran's Day meal plus unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. Bring a laptop to binge watch your favorite show while camping at a booth on FOB Garden all day.
"I thought I was supposed to be family here!"