Articles

These 8 TV characters would never survive in the real military

Over the years Hollywood has shed both positive and negative light on the military experience. While the biographical examples might face severe scrutiny over matters of accuracy, here are 8 fictional military characters who inarguably wouldn't cut it in the real deal:


1. Ensign Charles Beaumont Parker - "McHale's Navy"

When the military is used as the basis for a sitcom, it's inevitable that some of the troops won't exactly be up to snuff. Ensign Parker brings that to another level, actively causing harm to U.S. and Allied Forces. (The show takes place during World War II.) He accidentally fires a depth charge in one episode, and in another accidentally shoots down an Allied aircraft. That's a level of ineptitude the United States military wouldn't and frankly couldn't stand for.

2. Buster Bluth - "Arrested Development"

Buster is enlists in "Army," as he calls it, due to a dare a comedian makes to his mother. And lucky for him, he's immediately honorably discharged after having his hand bit off by a seal. In season 4, he re-enlists to control drones in Iraq. Buster has a blast - until someone explains to him that what he's doing is real, and he immediately has a panic attack. Then again, Buster once had a panic attack because a llama was near him. He might tell you he's in Army, but he isn't Army Strong.

3. Beetle Bailey - "Beetle Bailey"

One thing you certainly can't be in any branch of the military is lazy, and Beetle Bailey is perhaps the laziest of them all. He'll do anything to get out of work, including putting his fellow soldiers, and commanding officers, at serious risks. Luckily, the characters at Camp Swampy don't seem to face any particular risk of war being declared, and therefore will likely avoid any form of actual combat. If they did face an enemy attack, or were sent to fight someplace, chances are Beetle Bailey would be too lazy to even raise his arms.

4. Gareth Keenan - "The Office" (BBC version)

There's no real reason to doubt Gareth Keenan when he claims he was a Lieutenant in the Territorial Army before joining Wernam-Hogg, aside from how utterly clueless he seems to be when Tim and Dawn quiz him about tactical strategy. Gareth talks a big game, always being prepared to take a man from behind, give a man a lethal blow, or even discharge with rapid speed if enemies should uncover and enter his hole -- you know, find out where he's hiding. The fact Gareth never seems to understand the double entendres behind his own boasts kind of makes him look foolish, perhaps too foolish to actually achieve any kind of rank.

5. Zapp Brannigan - "Futurama"

Zapp may be a 25-Star General in the Year 3000, buts its impossible to imagine he'd last a single day in any branch of the U.S. military. No part of Brannigan's success makes sense. Although Brannigan's Law is named after him, he openly admits he doesn't understand it in the slightest. In fact, most of Brannigan's successes are subjugating and annihilating weak and defenseless aliens, which, while smart satire, isn't something that would actually be tolerated in the military.

6. Don Draper - "Mad Men"

Don's a special case on this list, in that his whole story is that he quite literally couldn't make it in the military. As fans now know, Draper's mystery actually began with him as Dick Whitman, but things dramatically changed during the Korean War. Terrible things happen during war, and its hard to say how any individual would react when faced with the horrors Whitman and his Lieutenant, the real Don Draper, faced. But what's clear is Whitman's reaction is highly illegal and wouldn't be tolerated in any military.

7. Homer Simpson - "The Simpsons"

Homer Simpson has had over 100 jobs, and he's been terrible at nearly every one of them. His time in the service still manages to rank among his most inept. Homer actually joined the service twice—first as a member of the Navy Reserve in Season 9, then in Season 18 he enlisted in the Army. As a member of the Navy Reserve, Homer nearly caused a nuclear war with Russia, and in the Army he turned a training exercise into a city-wide explosive event. The military always welcomes recruits, but Homer should probably stick to his hundreds of other jobs.

8. Dave Titus - "Titus"

Everyone in the Titus family seems to think it would be a great idea for Dave to join the Army. It could teach him responsibility and get him to stop doing drugs and being lazy. However, his brother Christopher sees it a different way: the Army isn't going to bring Dave up; Dave's going to bring the Army down. Fearing "Private Dave" could somehow cause nuclear destruction, Christopher gives Dave some pot to smoke on the way to recruitment, hoping this story will find a less destructive end.

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