History

5 military jokes that will keep you laughing for hours

With all the dumb stuff that's going on in the world today, it's a damn good thing that the military never loses its sense of humor. In fact, we're constantly busy coming up with new and hilarious ways to bash on rival branches in good fun.

So, get ready for a few jokes that we're confident you're going to repeat later... probably at the bar.


1. The two Marines and a dog

Two Marines are walking down the street when one of them spots a dog licking himself. One Marine says to the other, "man, I wish I could do that."

To which the other Marine replies, "no, you better not. That dog might bite you!"

2. The military and real estate

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy, and Marines bicker among themselves is because they don't speak the same language. For instance, here's what happens after they secure a building.

The Army will post guards around the building. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock all the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and then set up headquarters.

The Air Force will take out a five-year lease with an option to buy at the end.

3. The old veteran and his barracks room

An old veteran walks into a grocery store. Immediately, the cashier stops him and says, "sir, your barracks door is open." At first, he pays zero attention to her because he doesn't live in the barracks. So, he continues shopping until he spots a man stocking some shelves. He tells him what the cashier said and asks what she could've meant.

He tells the veteran that his fly is open.

After completing his shopping, he goes back to the same cashier and says, "ma'am, you told me my barracks door was open. While you were looking, did you see a Marine standing at attention, saluting?"

The cashier replies, "no, sir. I just saw an old, retired veteran lying on two seabags."

4. A sailor tells a joke to two Marines

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, "hey, do you want to hear a Marine joke?" The guy responds, "well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6-foot tall, I weigh 200 pounds, and I'm a Marine."

"The guy sitting next to me," he continues, "is 6′ 2″, weighs 250 pounds, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?"

The sailor says, "nah, I don't want to have to explain it more than twice."

5. One lazy sailor

A senior chief, when addressing his 25 sailors, says, "I have an easy job for the laziest man here. Put your hand up if you are indeed the laziest."

Almost immediately, 24 men raise their hands. The senior chief asks the other man, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

The sailor replies, "because it was too much trouble, senior chief."