7 highlights from the CIA's medical history of Hitler

So, the Allies put together a summary of Hitler's medical records at the end of 1945 that included details about everything from his swollen liver to his brown pee to the tone of his anus. Turns out, the Nazi fuhrer had some serious medical conditions going on before he killed himself.

Pretty soon after the Y2K craze passed, the CIA declassified a 56-page report on Hitler's medical history from November 1945. The document is filled with all sorts of great information like the state of the fuhrer's anus, lymphatic glands, and sex life in the years leading up to his death.

If it seems odd that the CIA compiled medical data for a man six months after he killed himself, they didn't exactly do it to help his doctors make sound decisions about his care. The cyanide capsule, gunshot wound to the head, and cremation had sort of made all that moot. Instead, the report opens with an explanation for its compilation:

The information is being published in order to provide:
a. medical data useful for the identification of Hitler or his remains;
b. further material for the debunking of numerous Hitler Myths;
c. the knowledge needed to expose those frauds who in later years may claim to be Hitler, or who may claim to have seen or talked to him.
d. research material for the historian, the doctor, and the scientist interested in Hitler.

They probably didn't guess that future internet writers would use it to describe Hitler's butthole. But, here goes:

1. Hitler's anus

Are you imagining his anus? You can imagine his anus. It's for history.

(Bundesarchiv Bild, CC BY-SA 3.0)

Hitler was, quite literally, a tight ass, with doctors noting, "No disturbance of vesical or rectal sphincter tone, and no evidence of prostatic pathology or hemorrhoids." Yup, Hitler had a normal butt. Note that "tone" in the preceding text referred to the strength of the rectum, not its color. So we can't say definitively whether or not Hitler bleached. Also, we still don't know exactly how tight Hitler's butt was since Dr. Morell neglected to do an "anal flex" test.

But the sphincter was capable of holding in his stool and stretching appropriately to accommodate the load until his voluntary relaxation and release. He did need anti-gas pills and, in May 1944, his doctor expressed worry about whether or not Hitler's defecation was still regular.

(BTW, if you don't want people making jokes about your bum and bowel movements more than seven decades after your death, maybe don't be a genocidal a--hole. #sorrynotsorry.)

2. Fuhrer had some rank pee and "bronze" skin with uncertain causes

Don't know why him being brown makes him less intimidating to me, but it does.

(Bundesarchiv Bild, CC BY-SA 3.0)

Doctors disagreed about what, exactly, was causing Hitler to pee brown from time-to-time. Two doctors thought it was caused by poisoning from years of taking strychnine as a component of some of his medication. Strychnine, in addition to medical uses, is a poison often used to kill rodents.

Dr. Morell, the same one who failed to do the anal flex test, was of the opinion that the discoloration and gastric pain was caused by bad flow of bile, particularly around the gall bladder.

Either way, the intermittent discoloration of the urine sometimes presented alongside a bronzing of the skin similar to jaundice. Yup, yellow skin and brown pee. Superior race indeed.

3. He had swelling of the liver and kidney as well as eczema tied to diet

Hitler was a vegetarian but didn't take proper steps to ensure he was getting all of his nutrients despite the lack of meat. Doctors believe that's what led to swelling of his stomach, the left lobe of his liver, and his right kidney, as well as a spot of eczema on his left leg.

The nutrient imbalance led to a bacterial imbalance that was discovered after a fecal examination revealed the presence of "dysbacterial flora in the intestinal tract." Hitler had to take some bacterial pills that balanced everything back out, which is a shame, because we would prefer to think of him spending the entire war filled with abdominal pain. Luckily, the condition did resurface from time to time.

4. Hitler required heart stimulants and oxygen

Really wish Hitler would just die. #popularopinions

(Karl-Ludwig Poggemann, Flickr, CC BY 2.0)

At multiple times, including the last year of his life, Hitler was prescribed heart stimulants with glucose and in 1944 this was combined with oxygen treatments. Hitler's issues were tied to his poor diet.

The medication and lifestyle changes seemed to have positive effects when the instructions were followed, but it seemed like the leader may have had some other stuff on his mind because he didn't always seem to follow the medical instructions.

5. He might have been working towards a heart attack 

Hitler had some electrocardiograms done in the final years, and doctors found signs of "rapidly progressive coronary sclerosis." Basically, plaque was quickly filling his arteries. Coronary sclerosis often results, eventually, in a heart attack. Combined with his other heart problems mentioned above, chances were high that Hitler didn't have much time left.

Couldn't have given out a little faster, heart?

6. Chronic sinus inflammation

See that big 'ole nose? That honker could barely get any air through it.

(Bundesarchiv Bild, CC BY-SA 3.0)

The dictator often suffered from "catarrhal inflammation and obstruction of the nasal passages." Basically, dude got swollen sinuses and sinus pressure a lot. Apparently, he should've sounded a bit more nasally and congested in Inglorious Basterds.

7. Hitler had small labia

Hitler shows off his tiny labia in front of the Supreme Court in Leipzig.

(Hoffmann, Heinrich, CC BY-SA 3.0)

According to the CIA's summary, Hitler's "Labia were normally red in color and rather small." We would love to say that this is a reference to the fuhrer having some unexpected genitalia, but doctors were actually just referring this the fuhrer's pretty standard mouth parts. Yeah, males and females have oral labia.