5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever - We Are The Mighty
Humor

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

If you’ve ever spoken to a recruiter, you know that they tend to say impressive things to get young men and women interested in joining their branch of service.


Many people call recruiters “used car salesmen,” but in all fairness, they’re just trying to make a living and fill their quotas. Experienced recruiters have unique ways of conveying information to make everything sound positive and exciting — it’s a freakin’ gift.

Related: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

But, we think fictional character “Pennywise the Dancing Clown” from Stephen King’s It could take the crown as the best recruiter if he wanted to. Here’s why:

5. He makes some insane recruiting videos

If he can use video to kill someone through a kids’ show, he can get you to enlist.

Enlist today! Enlist today! Enlist today! (Image via GIPHY)

4. Pennywise can pop up at virtually any location

Just when you think you’ve gotten away from him, the f*cker crawls out of the refrigerator!

Oh, he’s good. (Image via GIPHY)

3. You can find his picture in any history book he wants.

You’ll find him when you’re flipping through one of your American history textbooks. Talk about subliminal advertising.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
He’s been around for a while… (Image from New Line Cinema’s It)

2. He can lead you to his office with a simple red balloon

Recruiters bust their asses trying to get young teens into their office just to pitch the idea of joining their branch. Once they’ve gotten your attention, they have no problem of secretly leading you off to their office.

Plus, they might have candy.

Follow the pretty balloon and enlist. (Image via GIPHY)

Also Read: 6 reasons why you need a sense of humor in the infantry

1. He makes amazing promises

Recruiters are notorious for making military life seem freakin’ awesome and leave out certain terms, like “working parties.” Pennywise makes traveling through nasty sewers seem like the cool thing to do.

Let’s face it, Pennywise did say he has popcorn — and we like popcorn!

 

(Movieclips Trailers | YouTube) 

This is all in good humor. We love our recruiters.

Articles

The 13 funniest military memes of the week of Aug. 26

We search through page after page of funny military memes so that you can just check in every week and see the 13 funniest.


You’re welcome.

1. Everyone knows the “choke yourself” scene is coming up next, right?

(via Dysfunctional Veterans)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
It may go a little differently this time.

2. Coast Guardsmen are masters of puddles from the surface to the greatest depths (via Military Memes).

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Even if those depths are too shallow for the buoy to actually be over the diver.

3. The candy isn’t worth it and the cake is a lie (via Military Memes).

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Don’t do it!

SEE ALSO: Pentagon considers lifetime access to Exchange for vets

4. Worst way to start an NCOER:

(via Humor During Deployment)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

5. “Your wedding photos had a fake T-Rex? Ours had actual operators.”

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Sort of makes the groom look underwhelming, though.

6. Notice that the Jetsons wore Flintstone-style clothing? That Marine-uniform envy is real (via Pop Smoke).

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Marine Corps: Worst gear, best clothes.

7. A-10 musicals are my favorite soundtracks (via Pop Smoke).

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

8. “Then you’ll see! Then you’ll all see!”

(via Sh*t my LPO says)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Except they won’t see, because you’ll be in the chief’s mess and they’ll still be out without you.

9. “But if you can run 5 kilometers so fast, why did you use an Uber to get to the hotel?”

(via The Salty Soldier)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
How many incentive days off do you think an Olympian gets for a silver medal? Bet he had duty the very next weekend.

10. The only Pokemon I was ever interested in:

(via Sh*t my LPO says)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
That’s a lie. I loved dragons as a kid and played the game solely to raise a Charmander to Charizard.

11. The green stop sign is a pretty useful tool of chaos:

(via The Salty Soldier)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
It’s usually employed by Blue Falcons.

12. It’s more alarming but also funnier when you realize that this kid is a firefighter on base:

(via Team Non-Rec)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

13. “This street looks familiar.”

(via Sh*t my LPO says)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Would’ve thought a Navy career would have more water. And booze.

Humor

Your top 13 favorite Mighty stories from 2017

The editorial staff of We Are The Mighty spends a lot of time thinking about you, readers. Probably more than your husbands and wives, likely less than your First Sergeants (our main audience skews younger) and doctors (our second largest audience skews much older).


5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Knowing what you like to read can tell you all a little something about yourselves, too. So, take a look at We Are The Mighty’s top stories of 2017 and then take a deep, reflective look at yourselves.

13. 5 key differences between Army medics and Navy corpsmen

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

It’s obviously going to be deeper than just Army vs. Navy.

12. These crusader knights answered the call to fight World War I

You guys liked this so much, we made a video about it:


11. The founder of Delta Force was almost impossible to kill

Obviously, he wasn’t totally impossible to kill, because he died eventually — but it wasn’t from a bullet.

(We Are The Mighty | YouTube)

10. Egypt pulls a perfect ‘MacGyver’ move to defend its ships from air attack

Or, “This is what happens when you park a SAM battery on an amphibious assault ship.”

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

9. That time a Marine mechanic took a joyride in a stolen A4M Skyhawk


 

This is a great story because it has a happy ending. Also, this dude is a legend.

8. This is why some sailors wear gold stripes, and some wear red

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

A Navy Corpsman answers the question you never thought you wanted to know everything about — until you realized they have two colors of rank.

7. 5 military myths that Hollywood has taught us to believe

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

This post was way more thoughtful than how actors hold weapons.

6. Watch a real US Army honor guard perform the ‘Razzle Dazzle’ from the movie ‘Stripes’

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

There’s nothing true-to-military-life about it, but this proves everyone loves Stripes.

5. Watch this guard at the Tomb of the Unknowns get stabbed and carry on

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

If you don’t love and/or respect the Old Guard, you are wrong.

4. This is what happens when the Army puts a laser on an Apache attack helicopter

When pew turns into zap.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

3. This awesome ‘trench broom’ terrified Germans in both World Wars

An American classic goes to war.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

2. Watch the F-22 take on 5 F-15s – and dominate

It’s okay, though… that’s how it’s supposed to go.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

1. That time Marines in a firefight called customer service for help with an M-107

Any excuse to put Shannon Corbeil back in front of a camera. #WhoToldItBetter

 

(We Are The Mighty | YouTube)
Humor

11 hand salutes that are just plain bad

We greet superior officers, pay homage to the American flag, and show respect to fallen comrades by rendering the powerful, non-verbal gesture known as the hand salute.


Though there’s no real written record of how or where the worldwide tradition started, saluting dates back in history to a time when troops would raise their right hand (their weapon hand) as a signal of friendship.

Today, recruits learn how to properly hand salute in boot camp and demonstrate the act countless times before heading out to active service. After a while, muscle memory kicks in and the gesture becomes second nature. But many civilians use the salute as a form of celebration — and they get it so, so wrong.

Related: 5 awful military haircuts that would fail inspection

1. When Michael Cutler, son of a truck-driving arm wrestler, returns home from military school. (Over the Top)

2. That time Cousin Eddie felt super patriotic during Christmas. (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

3. Some dude watching wrestling and drinking a beer. (USA Network)

4. After that former TV president gave a motivational speech. (House of Cards)

5. No clue where this is from, but it’s funny as hell.

Also read: 7 ways you know you’re an officer

6. When that little kid who turned out to be Darth Vader found out his dad was into superhero cosplay. (Jingle All the Way)

7. An unsat salute from a guy who once played a Marine in a movie. (Some award show on MTV)

8. So, we’re not exactly sure what she was trying to accomplish with her initial type of salute… but at least she ended it with a solid pointing performance.

9. At least Ms. Kaushtupper correctly mounted the American flag on the wall… (Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt)

Don’t forget: 5 common movie mistakes veterans can spot right away

10. Even though his salute is off, it’s still pretty funny. (M*A*S*H)

11. There’s nothing wrong with this troop’s salute, but Dmitry Medvedev epically failed.

Humor

This is what happened to the soldiers from the ‘Hurt Locker’

In 2008, filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow directed a film called “Hurt Locker” about a hotshot soldier who went above and beyond his bomb disposal duties while deployed to Iraq.


His passion for the job kept him in harm’s way as he defused hundreds of homemade explosives.

Although many veterans didn’t particularly enjoy the film (for technical reasons), many may have wondered what happened to the rogue EOD tech and the troops that once covered his six.

Well, we used our fictional WATM private investigators to look for the troops’ silver screen whereabouts, and here’s what they found.

Related: This is what the pilots from ‘Top Gun’ are doing today

FYI: Don’t take this literally.

Sgt. Matt Thompson

 

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Do remember that hotshot EOD tech who got blown up within the first 10 minutes of the story? Yeah, that was this guy. Well, turns out Thompson faked his death, and he was only using the Army to learn how to make and dispose of homemade bombs.

The government got wind of this intel, framed him, then wrongly convicted him on charges of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S.

They changed Thompson’s name to Snow — apparently no first name. After serving a few years in the federal penitentiary, the president’s hot daughter visited what was reportedly the most secured prison in history — located in space. Several violent inmates took her prisoner and the president recruited Snow to go in and rescue her.

No one saw that coming.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

 

After saving the president’s daughter, the government was now indebted to Snow and gave him a shit ton of money to start up a research lab.

The Army vet managed to formulate some good stuff, turning other veterans — and himself — into super humans that glow a bright reddish color.

 

Sgt. JT Sanborn

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Soon after returning from Iraq, Sanborn was given a battlefield commission for having to put up with so much crap from the EOD techs. It didn’t take long for this motivated soldier to move up the ranks. In fact, he made it to the rank of major within the same year.

That’s never happened before.

He was so badass the Army offered him a position in the security field working with a computer system called “Eagle Eye” that can track anybody anywhere all the freakin’ time.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

After a few civilians spotted some significant flaws in the sophisticated computer system and caused havoc, Sanborn decided to get out of the Army.

But he didn’t want to stop serving the veteran community or fighting bad guys, so he became what every veteran is capable of becoming.

A superhero falcon named Falcon.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Spc. Owen Eldridge

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Source: Summit Ent.)

Eldrige had a pretty rough deployment in Iraq the year of the Hurt Locker. After returning from home, he grew out his mustache and used a little of his GI Bill to become a commercial airline pilot.

Unfortunately, he was paired with an alcoholic pilot and was involved in a severe crash.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

It took a while, but Eldrige made a full recovery. He was so impressed with the level of treatment he received, he moved to Chicago and used the rest of his GI Bill to pursue a career in law enforcement, eventually becoming a cop.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Also Read: 62 glaring technical errors in ‘The Hurt Locker’

Staff Sgt. William James

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Source: Summit Ent.)

If you don’t remember this guy, you probably didn’t watch his story. After returning from another dangerous deployment, James made a few career changes because he didn’t know want he wanted in life.

He went from being a bank robber to a spy, to even becoming a diabetic a witch hunter.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Yes, you could say James was lost for a long time after getting out of the Army.

The experiences of serving in all those different fields gained him a talent that would drive him into his next profession — an archery master superhero with excellent vision.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Articles

8 awesome enlisted leaders depicted in war movies

Finding good leadership in the military can be difficult. Writing strong interesting characters for movies that audiences respect is a completely separate challenge. But after watching these iconic war films, we’d wager that most ground troops wouldn’t mind serving alongside these screen legends.

So here’s our list of enlisted leaders we’d follow into battle.

1. Gunny Highway (Heartbreak Ridge)

Played by Hollywood icon Clint Eastwood, this career Senior NCO took a bunch of misfits and turned them in hard-charging Reconnaissance Marines in just a few short movie hours. That’s badass and tough to pull off.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

“Be advised that I’m mean, nasty, and tired. I eat concertina wire and piss napalm and I can put a round through a flea’s ass at 200 meters” — Gunny Highway. (Source: WB/Screenshot)

2. Sgt. 1st Class Horvath (Saving Private Ryan)

Played by veteran actor Tom Sizemore, this loyal sergeant to his CO just wanted to keep the men in line, fight hard and finish the mission.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Horvath didn’t get the respect he deserved in the film, but we know… we know. (Source: Dream Works/Screenshot)

3. Sgt. Elias (Platoon)

Played by long time actor Willem Dafoe, this seasoned soldier is the voice of his lower enlisted troops and brings a human element to an inhumane world.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Source: Platoon

4. Sgt. Eversmann (Black Hawk Down)

Played by Josh Hartnett, this newly assigned chalk leader is put to the ultimate test as he spearheads into the legendary Somalia raid and thinks of his men over himself. That’s leadership.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Leave no man behind. (Source: Sony/Screenshot)

5. Don Collier (Fury)

Played by Brad Pitt and known in the film as “War Daddy,” he strives to keep his men alive and kill as many Germans in the process while not allowing his men see his softer side during the grueling tank battles of WWII.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
He enjoys killin’ Nazis, but that was Pitt’s other movie. (Source: Sony/Screenshot)

6. Sgt. Maj. Basil Plumley (We Were Soldiers)

Played by Sam Elliott, this hardcore infantryman isn’t into coddling his men but cares about their health and the importance of taking the fight to the enemy.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

7. Michael (The Deer Hunter)

Played by award-winning actor Robert De Niro, no emotional expense was spared when he brought to life this character who suffered great torment to keep his men from going insane while being held captive in a POW camp.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
A high-tension game of Russian roulette. (Source: Universal/Screenshot)

8. Gunny Hartman (Full Metal Jacket)

Played by R. Lee Ermy (retired Marine), Hartman took the audience by storm as he brutally trained his recruits to prepare for the dangers they’d soon face heading off to Vietnam.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Articles

7 ‘Carls’ that every unit has to deal with

D-mnit Carl!


Everyone hates “Carl.” He’s that guy who won’t shut up during operations, or pushes buttons just to figure out what they do, or sometimes is just too eager to do stupid crap.

Unfortunately for everyone else, every unit has some version of Carl. Here are seven types that everyone runs into sooner or later:

1. The Carl who messes up a perfect thing

Oh, that Carl. Everyone is doing the right thing and nailing it, except for him. For instance, a daring commando raid in March 1941 landed in German-occupied Norway and managed to take prisoners, recruit new fighters, and damage infrastructure with only a single injury. That injury came from a man accidentally shooting himself in the thigh with a revolver. If his name wasn’t Carl, it should’ve been.

2. The Carl who always wants to screw around

 

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Pop smoke)

Everyone else is mission focused, but Carl is over there talking about fishing. Or wearing a funny prop. Or maybe even doing an accent while wearing a fake mustache. It would be hilarious back in the barracks. But since the squad is four steps away from a closed door and the fatal funnel, everyone really wishes he would focus up.

3. The Carl who won’t stop talking

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

Maybe it’s nerves, or maybe he was raised by overattentive parents, but this guy seems to think every moment is made better with his singing, sound effects, or commentary. Sure, some of his one-liners are pretty great, but it would seriously be better if he shut the f-ck up. For once.

4. The Carl who can’t get anything right

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via God D-mmit Carl)

The whole unit can go through four briefings and dozens of rehearsals, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that when push comes to shove, Spc. Carl is going to hit the trigger while trying to engage the safety.

5. The Carl who randomly plays with dangerous equipment

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Meme via Damnit, Carl)

Of course, that’s why he shouldn’t be touching anything dangerous. Unfortunately, this is the military and keeping Pfc. Carl safe near an armory is like trying to keep “that” uncle sober during a distillery tour. You’re going to fail, someone is getting burned, and the locals aren’t going to want to see you again.

6. The Carl who is an expert in everything but his job

This Carl is at least moderately useful. They could be an expert in physical fitness or maybe they’re a “good” barracks lawyer (actually knows more than 25 percent of the regulations they try to quote!). But still, they know jack and/or crap about their actual job. Need someone to actually purify some water? Don’t ask Carl, he’ll reach for the hand sanitizer and eye drops.

7. The Carl who always has somewhere to be (usually the smoke pit)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Shut Up, Carl)

Call for an extra mag or grenade during combat and you’ll understand why this Carl is the worst. You reach back for some extra firepower only to hear from one of the Joes that Carl is actually in the Humvee checking his Facebook messages or in the smoke pit puffing on a clove cigarette (yeah, he’s that guy). Hope you can still achieve fire superiority.

Humor

17 GIFs that will remind you of your first combat deployment

Deploying to war is an interesting time in a person’s life.


The experience will change how they see the world and they’ll never forget the milestones they encountered.

Related: 6 silly things troops bring into combat zones

Check out these GIFs that will remind you of your first combat deployment:

1. That feeling you got when your unit was informed they’re going on a year long deployment

You couldn’t wait to go. (Images via Giphy)

2. That patriotic moment when you boarded the bus to leave and looked back at your family

‘Merica! (Images via Giphy)

3. How awesome it felt to gear up for that first patrol

Oh, yeah! (Images via Giphy)

4. That time when your squad left the wire and were ready to f*ck sh*t up

We’re coming for you. (Images via Giphy)

 5. When you got bummed out because the enemy didn’t shoot at you

D*mn… (Images via Giphy)

6. When you have that first nightmare because you actually took the Doxycycline

I’m having a bad trip, guys. (Images via Giphy)

 7. How you initially reacted the first time you heard a massive explosion

Where’s it coming from? (Images via Giphy)

8. That special moment when you finally got to engage the enemy

Take that, ISIS. (Images via Giphy)

9. When your unit received its first care package shipment

Beef Jerky! Socks! (Images via Giphy)

10. The first time you tried to call home

“We’re breaking up!” “Wait, what?!” (Images via Giphy)

11. When the RR transport was loading up to leave

Thailand, here we go! (Images via Giphy)

12. When your motivation finally runs out

I’m done. (Images via Giphy)

13. Your dreams after you stopped taking your Doxycycline

So comforting. (Images via Giphy)

14. When the massive explosions didn’t bother you anymore

No big deal. (Images via Giphy)

15. What you did to someone that jokingly brought up the term “stop loss”

Tell me I have to stay one more time. (Images via Giphy)

17. When you’re finally told you’re rotating back home after a year deployment

Celebrate. (Images via Giphy)

Bonus: When you ate your first home-cooked meal back in the states.

Thanks, Mom! (Images via Giphy)

Can you think of any more? Comment below.

Articles

These are the 7 most disappointing military commanders in Westeros

Daenerys Targaryen FINALLY landed on Westeros in HBO’s “Game of Thrones.” She’s even started using the dragons and Dothraki on Westerosi armies! Even though she hasn’t (yet) moved on King’s Landing, there’s a lot of reason to believe it’s just a matter of time before the “game” is over.


5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
The face you make when you have the only Air Force.

This gives us a chance to stop and reflect on all the battles and strategies in the game that led us here. Even better, it gives us a chance to laugh at the worst leaders in the place and question why the hell they thought they could hang in the first place. At least Tommen knew he just wasn’t cut out for it.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Tommen performs an actual king’s landing.

7. Theon Greyjoy

Theon’s big victory wasn’t even really a fight. He told the Stark Army there was an attack somewhere else, and when they left he forced Bran to concede Winterfell to him. Then, right before the Iron Born immediately turned on him, he killed some farmer’s family and torched their two kids. Cool.

You know who the real loser was in the sack of Winterfell?

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Yes, an argument could be made for Ser Rodrick.

Rickon Stark. Rickon is the real loser in all this. By the time the Starks retake Winterfell, Bran can see through time, Arya has face-melting assassin skills, Jon Snow is hanging with the Mother of Dragons, and Sansa runs the place. What did Rickon get?

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Oh riiiiiiiiiight…

Theon sucks. He knew it, his men knew it, the Boltons knew it. And he’s at number seven on this list because we knew it too.

6. Ramsay Bolton

Sure, he seized the North (after it was decimated by the Iron Born, but whatever). We’ll give that to him. But the thing about the way a ruler like Ramsay Bolton operates is that there has to be an element of fear to fighting for him. That also means that there has to be a good chance you’ll survive. If you know you’re going to die no matter what, it makes it difficult to fight for survival.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Also, when his gimmick is a bunch a flayed dudes, you have to wonder who’s getting flayed next.

In the Battle of the Bastards, Ramsay so casually mows down his own troops with arrows to the point that they’re indistinguishable from the enemy in the pile of bodies. See if you can spot the point when a bunch more guys from the Bolton Army would have really come in useful during the Battle of the Bastards:

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Look closely.

Where was the shirtless Ramsay Bolton who fought the Iron Born at the Dread Fort?

5. Joffrey Baratheon

If only Stannis Baratheon had attacked King’s Landing with a bunch of prostitutes, then Joffrey would know how to kill the enemy. Donning the King’s Armor in the one time he had a chance to be a real leader, he bravely left the battlefield to go see what his mom wanted.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

And don’t forget, Arya was embarrassing Joffrey before it was cool…and before she even had face-wrecking assassin powers.

4. Balon Greyjoy

Remember Balon? No? Funny how the worst among us are completely forgotten as soon as someone with skills and ability comes along.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Stares in Iron Born)

The thing about Balon that’s different from most of the people on this list is that the other people had a reputation for valor, daring, and strategic thinking before the events depicted on the show. Not Balon. Before the events of the show, Balon led a rebellion from the Iron Islands and was quickly owned by Ned Stark. His biggest win was having Theon taken hostage.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
We all know how that turned out.

Everyone spends the first season making fun of Balon in front of Theon. Only Yara gave a damn when Euron threw the old man over a bridge. In fact, the whole Game of Thrones series got exponentially better as soon as someone killed Balon.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
The world actually cheered as Balon was helped off the show. Probably.

3. The Night King

The Night King has existed since the age of the Children of the Forest. He has practically unlimited manpower that only grows the more he fights. And it’s next to impossible to stop his army in close quarters combat…unless you can figure out the three things that can actually hurt them.  And the Night King is giving the living SO MUCH TIME TO FIGURE IT OUT.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
¯/_(‘   ‘)_/¯

Seriously, what is he doing beyond the wall? Every time we see him, he and his army of White Walkers look like they’re just walking around endlessly. Don’t they know they’re supposed to attack in the winter? I know it’s supposed to be the longest winter ever but that doesn’t mean he has to wait until the last minute to attack.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
One step at a time? Oh jeez this is going to take FOREVER.

If he just started attacking now, he could swarm The Wall before Jon Snow can mine the Dragon Glass. Or before Dany can beat Cersei and focus the dragons on the North. But no, he’s going to walk around the land beyond The Wall because it’s apparently much more fun than winning.  People who are older than history love to take walks.

2. Jaime Lannister

For all the stories you hear about Ser Jaime’s fighting ability, all he ever seems to do is get captured or almost die. When he does win, it’s not because he’s actually fighting. He makes the disappointment list because you feel like he should be better at fighting. And yet we have come to love him anyway.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
But you could choose someone who isn’t your sister.

Jaime didn’t kill Tyrion even though he believed Tyrion killed his son. Jaime failed to kill a small child by throwing him out a window. Even in combat, we’ve seen more success from Samwell Tarly. Tyrion managed to get a few kills in at the Blackwater — the most Jaime ever did was kill his cousin and lose a hand for his trouble.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Yeah, nice.

It’s mind-boggling why Tyrion is the most disappointing Lannister (to the Lannisters, I mean). Jaime is the biggest liability in Westeros and all Tyrion has to do is tell an Army, “Let’s go kill those dudes attacking our city,” and he wins the day.

“But what about Riverrun?” you might ask. Early on, we hear about Jaime taking Riverrun from the Riverlords but by season six, he has to go retake it from the Blackfish. Taking a castle doesn’t do you any good if you can’t keep it. Ask Theon Greyjoy about that.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
You’ll have to catch him first.

For the ultimate in Jaime Lannister’s bad decision-making skills, see the last five minutes of the seventh season episode “The Spoils of War” and remember Jaime’s quote: “We can hold them off.” Hey bud, everyone knows she’s got fire-breathing dragons and a barbaric horde of Dothraki horse archers.

Not only did Jaime do nothing for his troops, he didn’t even get the anti-dragon gun ready to fight. That thing stayed in the wagon waaaaaaaaaay too long.

1. Stannis Baratheon

For what all the bookreaders have to say about Stannis Baratheon, we sure expected some magic from this guy. The only magical thing about Stannis came out of Melisandre.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Run, Jon Snow. This will not end well.

At the Battle of the Blackwater, Stannis drove his Navy into the bay, which would seem like the best idea. But a little bit of intel work and he would have known the Lannisters poured a ton of electric green stuff into the bay in anticipation of the battle, which everyone knew was coming. Then, Stannis did exactly what everyone expected him to do – a frontal assault. No wonder the Lannisters knew exactly how to wipe the floor with his gate crashers.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
If Baratheon leadership could be summed up in one clip, this would be it.

Also, underestimating the wealthiest family on the continent was a terrible call. They control Casterly Rock and King’s Landing. Why did Stannis never consider the possibility of a relief force from Casterly Rock? Tywin Lannister was known for his ability as a soldier and general and the Lannisters were allied with the Tyrells. Stannis, whose moves surprise no one, never considers outside forces. Like…did he forget he was in The War of Five Kings?

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Stannis has never been good at showing emotion. Or leadership ability. Or fatherhood. Or anything, really.

To top that, the real heir to Robert Baratheon led a depleted army against Winterfell. A real commander would work to prepare the army, maybe get some more allies at the last minute, work on a secret plan or weapon to even the odds of assaulting a fortified position. Not Stannis. His ace in the hole was to roast his daughter alive.

Articles

5 things we’d love to do with the Army’s surplus battleship ammo

Popular Mechanics dug this gem out of the list of contract requests from a government website this week: The U.S. Army is soliciting a contract for someone to destroy 15,595 naval artillery rounds originally designed for the 16-inch guns of massive ships like the USS Iowa.


The Army has maintained the shells since the Navy retired the massive battleships that fired them, but these things can’t be safely stored forever and the military needs them gone.

Hiring a responsible contractor with a proven track record is the best way to do this, but WATM came up with these 5 more entertaining ideas:

1. Host history’s best Independence Day party

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
It would look like this, but near a beach while you and your mildly intoxicated buddies got to watch from the shore. (Photo: U.S. Navy PH1 Terry Cosgrove)

So, the Army is looking for solutions in October, which is exactly the right month to start planning the perfect party for July 4th. Especially if the plans involve a few thousand 16-inch artillery shells. Pretty sure those require permits or something. Be sure to tell the permit office that the fireworks will explode over the water or an open, uninhabited area. And that they’re pretty lethal loud.

2. Blowing up a mountain, like in Iron Man

Remember that scene where Tony Stark is showing off the Jericho missile and he blows up an entire mountain range? Pretty sure everyone reading this would pay at least $15 to see a mountain disappear. Call me Army. We could turn a profit on this.

3. Play a real life game of battleship

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
I would tune into this show for literally every episode. (Meme: courtesy Decelerate Your Life)

The Navy is already getting rid of some old ships, and the Army has found itself with way too many naval artillery shells, meaning this is the perfect time to hold a full-sized game of battleship. Pretty sure the TV ratings could pay for the cost of towing the ships into position.

4. Give drill sergeants really accurate artillery simulators

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
That smoke in the back is coming from an artillery simulator. That’s not realistic enough training for our fighting men and women. (Photo: U.S. Army Reserve Staff Sgt. David J. Overson)

Right now, drill sergeants and other military trainers use little artillery simulators that make a loud whining noise and then a sharp pop to teach recruits to quickly react to incoming indirect fire. They’re great, but it really ignores that sphincter-tightening boom that comes with real incoming fire.

Now imagine that drill sergeants threw the artillery simulator and then were able to remotely detonate an actual, buried battleship shell 100 yards away. Right? No one gets hurt, but it would teach those kids to get their heads down pretty quick.

5. Create claymore mines that shoot grenades

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
This is what it looks like with 1.5 pounds of C4. Someone has to try this with battleship shells and their little grenade submunitions. (Photo: U.S. Army Capt. Adan Cazarez)

Stick with me here. Claymore mines are brutally effective. A C-4 charge sends 700 steel balls flying in an arc at enemies. But the Army currently needs to get rid of 835 warheads that contain grenade submunitions and a whole bunch of other warheads filled with Explosive D.

So, how about we cut the grenades out of the submunition warheads, and duct tape them in rows around the Explosive D warheads? Sure, it would probably break a few treaties to use them in war, but it’s perfectly legal for a government to create an awesome piece of performance art on a military range. Probably.

(h/t Doctrine Man and Popular Mechanics)

Articles

13 of the funniest military memes for the week of July 14

It’s a long week back after that July 4th hangover. And then some of us have to pick up the other guy’s slack when he goes off to drill.


Good thing military memes always have the watch.

1. We’re still the best. (via ASMDSS)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Don’t worry, America is the best in any universe, no matter which spelling you see.

2. There are a lot of new ideas floating around DoD.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
The Air Force doesn’t like those kinds of shenanigans.

3. But some things never change.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
What happens on the bus stays on the bus.

Read Now: Here’s how aerial gunners were trained to fight their way past the Luftwaffe

4. The CS has been watching a lot of Food Network.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Midrats: It’s what’s for dinner. And lunch. Probably breakfast. From yesterday. Combined.

5. Because Navy PT standards might be taking a beating (via The Salty Sailor)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
For use only with corpsman supervision.

6. Airmen have a special diet while away from their duty station.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
It’s just an excuse. We’d do it anyway. Wubba lubba dub dub.

7. Because special duties can be stressful.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
He got used to the taste of crayons after a while.

Also: Gene Hackman’s response on why he joined the Marines is TV gold

8. Even the Army has trouble helping out Marine Corps NCOs.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

9. But all NCOs run on the same operating system.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
Somewhere in there, paperwork gets done.

10. At least this weekend we can even look forward to Sunday night.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
We drink and we know things.

Check Out: 7 mysteriously missing body parts of military leaders

11. And maybe forget about that upcoming deployment.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
It’s adorable that you think the bucket list actually means something. Now get out.

12. The ghosts of cadence past can come back to haunt us.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
The little yellow bird is sick of your sh*t.

13. Who’s got the best callsign in the Air Force?

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
His Follow Me Car is legendary.

Humor

11 things you should send the FNG find

Telling the f*cking new guy (FNG) to go out and find things isn’t malicious. It may look like hazing to the untrained eye — but you’re teaching that kid a little bit more about the unit.


It’s a team-building activity. Everyone should be involved. Not in looking, of course, but in on the joke.

The FNG goes to get that thing from one place. Say “sorry, kid, check with Sergeant Smith over there.” Now they have a name to face on Sergeant Smith and hopefully what they do. They keep getting bounced around until the salty supply dude gets fed up and scolds the poor kid.

They learned a lesson and enjoyed some face time with the team, and you get a good laugh. That, and they’re far more entertaining than those checklists you get at reception.

#1: Headlight Fluid

Motorpool Monday again. Since most boots can’t figure out how to turn on the headlights on a Humvee, let them know that it’s probably because they’re out of fluid.

#2: Exhaust Samples

While you’re still at the Motorpool, tell them that in order for dispatch to truly know how well the vehicle is running, they need an exhaust sample.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

#3: Chem-light batteries

Chances are the rookie has little understanding of chemiluminescence and probably won’t pull “but it’s a chemical reaction caused by the mixing of two solutions being exposed together.”

If they do, they should probably get a pass until lunch.

#4: Box of Grid Squares

You’re about to go to the Land Navigation field and you are in “some serious need” for some grid squares.

I mean, technically, they could just give you a paper map and they wouldn’t be wrong.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

#5: Prop/Rotor Wash

Didn’t think Aviation would get a pass on the 242nd Annual F*ck-F*ck Games, did you?

For the uninformed, Prop/Rotor Wash is back draft of air that the aircraft generates to create lift. It’s also the worst part about Air Assault FRIES jumps.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

#6: Flight Line

New kid not leaving you alone while you maintain a multi-million dollar piece of equipment? Tell them you have to connect some flight line to the whatever. And while they’re at it, tell them to grab the left-handed monkey wrench.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

#7: Pad Eye Remover

For obvious reasons, it’s best to remove the chains from the aircraft and not the ship. But the FNG doesn’t get obvious.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

 

#8: The switch to lower the mast

Oh no! The ship is about to go underneath a bridge that other ships have gone under thousands of times over! Looks like it’s time to lower the mast!

Related: This is why the military shouldn’t completely outlaw hazing

 

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
(Screenshot from WATM’s No Sh*t There I Was)

#9: Bulkhead Remover

It’ll be all fun and games when you tell the baby squid to clean all the bulkhead off. The moment they grab a blowtorch…run.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

#10: Prickey-5

Always a fun one to pull on your guy to rib another NCO. If the private responds with, “Why do we need a Prickey-5 when we already have a Prickey 6?”

Drop their ass.

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
The look of every Staff Sergeant ever. (Image via Staff Sergeant Old School)

 

#11: ID 10-T Form

All the years this one has been around, it still sticks. It’s far too obvious of a joke.

And yet….

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

Humor

The 13 funniest memes for the week of June 8th

Just when you thought things were getting nice and boring, a 1st Lt goes and steals an APC and drives it through Richmond. You know, deep down, the mechanic responsible for that vehicle is secretly proud that their M577 managed to keep up in a police pursuit.

The APC started up, managed to get off base and drive 60 miles to Richmond with the cops on his ass within 2 hours — all without breaking down. Sure, that lieutenant is going to be turning big rocks into smaller rocks for a while but, holy crap, someone give that motor sergeant a medal!


5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Air Force Nation)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Valhalla Wear)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Army as F*ck)

“I went where you told me. I took a left on Victory Road and still didn’t see it.”

(It’s funny because every installation has at least two “Victory Road”s.)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Sh*t My LPO Says)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via PT Belt Nation)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever
5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

I swear that this is the last ACP Joyrider meme… this week…

(Meme via Artillery Moments)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Sh*t My LPO Says)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via OAF Nation)

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

(Meme via Untied Status Marin Crops)

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