Humor

5 ways to ethically 'bribe' the training room clerk

The commander is the head of every unit — there's no question about that. But sometimes, you just need the 'neck' of the unit to turn just slightly towards your paperwork to get it expedited. That 'neck' is the training room clerk.


Now, flat-out bribery is a UCMJ offense, but you don't need to be all "Fat Leonard" to get things done the way that you want. Maybe you've got a school you really want to get to, an award packet that's been sitting in the inbox for too long, or you're kinda hoping that your leave packet gets approved. If the clerk is on your side, things will definitely be more pleasant.

These are 5 ways you can persuade that clerk. Remember, you're not 'buying' your way through the training room — it's their job, they should do it anyways — you're just making friends.

5. Befriend them off duty

Training room staff usually are stuck in a vacuum. While most of the unit bonds over shared suffering, they're often handling hand receipts or training calendars.

Invite them out for a drink and you've got yourself a friend on the inside.

This might explain why every training room clerk I've met is a beer pong champ. (Image via Flickr)

4. Bring them stuff from the shopette

Once again, flat-out bribery is punishable under UCMJ. But is it still bribery if you're just saying, "hey, training room clerk, I'm making a quick trip to the gas station. Want anything?"

Technically, yes, it's bribery if your intent is obviously to get the paperwork done. It isn't bribery, however, if one troop is just being nice to another.

Donuts are a lot cheaper than actual bribery anyways. (U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Kayla Newman)

3. Scratch their back first

There's an old military saying about having four friends. You want to befriend "the cook, the medic, supply, and (insert whoever is saying the phrase)." It may sound trite, but it really does apply to everyone in every unit.

Of course, support MOS's have more lucrative tokens with which to barter, but that doesn't mean the combat arms guys can't help the training room clerk be less of a POG.

Oh? You want more bacon? That's funny, because I want to take leave... (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Seaman Jesús Rodríguez)

2. Welcome them in doing "non-training room" things

Everyone joins the military for different reasons. That's over two million people with over two million unique goals in life. One common thread, however, is that many enlist to satisfy a sense of adventure and for a chance to do cool sh*t. They probably didn't join the military so they can skulk around an office all day.

This is what the combat arms guys bring to the table. Bring the training room guy along to the fun exercises and let them play soldier for a few hours. That way, they can get back to processing your boring paperwork feeling a bit more accomplished.

At least let them feel like they actually joined the military. (U.S. Marine Corps Photo by Pfc. Heather Atherton)

1. Don't be a dick

Simply put, raising your voice at them won't work. It may feel like you're accomplishing something when you watch a private wet themselves, but it probably won't make them shuffle your paperwork to the top.

Yes, they should move at the military's pace and not their own. If there's a real problem, address it in a professional manner. If the kid is left alone with stacks of paperwork, cut them some slack and at least pretend like you empathize with them.

A little kindness goes a long way. (Photo by Sgt. Justin Naylor)

How to get your own free 'Space Force' ringtone

If you're in the military or are a veteran and haven't heard about the Space Force yet, it's time to climb out from under that rock you've been living in. There's a sixth branch of the U.S. military now, and it's going to be a department of the Air Force.

The men's department.

Although the Air Force has released very limited guidance on what the new branch will do, how it will roll out, or basically anything at all except that it's called the 'Space Force' and will exist one day, the excitement the idea of a space force brings the military community is palpable.

Judged solely by the sheer volume of Space Force memes.

Also Read: 5 boring details a Space Force private will get stuck on

So if you're excited to do your part, you can fully engulf yourself in the burgeoning Space Force culture, you can now enjoy the first Space Force song, sure to be shouted at the top of many a Spaceman's lungs every morning during Space-ic Training.

This songified version of President Trump's Space Force announcement was created by The Gregory Brothers, whose YouTube page is packed with pop culture songification. Due to the popular demand for the song to be made into a ringtone via the popular Air Force Facebook page Air Force amn/nco/snco, the Gregory Brothers responded immediately.

Thanks Air Force amn/nco/snco.

Check out: Why the name of the space-based branch should be Space Corps

Good luck getting this song out of your head now that it goes off every time your mom or dad calls you. You can get your free Space Force ringtone from The Gregory Brothers at their Patreon page.

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