5 ways to ethically 'bribe' the training room clerk - We Are The Mighty
Humor

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

The commander is the head of every unit — there’s no question about that. But sometimes, you just need the ‘neck’ of the unit to turn just slightly towards your paperwork to get it expedited. That ‘neck’ is the training room clerk.


Now, flat-out bribery is a UCMJ offense, but you don’t need to be all “Fat Leonard” to get things done the way that you want. Maybe you’ve got a school you really want to get to, an award packet that’s been sitting in the inbox for too long, or you’re kinda hoping that your leave packet gets approved. If the clerk is on your side, things will definitely be more pleasant.

These are 5 ways you can persuade that clerk. Remember, you’re not ‘buying’ your way through the training room — it’s their job, they should do it anyways — you’re just making friends.

5. Befriend them off duty

Training room staff usually are stuck in a vacuum. While most of the unit bonds over shared suffering, they’re often handling hand receipts or training calendars.

Invite them out for a drink and you’ve got yourself a friend on the inside.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
This might explain why every training room clerk I’ve met is a beer pong champ. (Image via Flickr)

4. Bring them stuff from the shopette

Once again, flat-out bribery is punishable under UCMJ. But is it still bribery if you’re just saying, “hey, training room clerk, I’m making a quick trip to the gas station. Want anything?”

Technically, yes, it’s bribery if your intent is obviously to get the paperwork done. It isn’t bribery, however, if one troop is just being nice to another.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Donuts are a lot cheaper than actual bribery anyways. (U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Kayla Newman)

3. Scratch their back first

There’s an old military saying about having four friends. You want to befriend “the cook, the medic, supply, and (insert whoever is saying the phrase).” It may sound trite, but it really does apply to everyone in every unit.

Of course, support MOS’s have more lucrative tokens with which to barter, but that doesn’t mean the combat arms guys can’t help the training room clerk be less of a POG.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Oh? You want more bacon? That’s funny, because I want to take leave… (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist Seaman Jesús Rodríguez)

2. Welcome them in doing “non-training room” things

Everyone joins the military for different reasons. That’s over two million people with over two million unique goals in life. One common thread, however, is that many enlist to satisfy a sense of adventure and for a chance to do cool sh*t. They probably didn’t join the military so they can skulk around an office all day.

This is what the combat arms guys bring to the table. Bring the training room guy along to the fun exercises and let them play soldier for a few hours. That way, they can get back to processing your boring paperwork feeling a bit more accomplished.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
At least let them feel like they actually joined the military. (U.S. Marine Corps Photo by Pfc. Heather Atherton)

1. Don’t be a dick

Simply put, raising your voice at them won’t work. It may feel like you’re accomplishing something when you watch a private wet themselves, but it probably won’t make them shuffle your paperwork to the top.

Yes, they should move at the military’s pace and not their own. If there’s a real problem, address it in a professional manner. If the kid is left alone with stacks of paperwork, cut them some slack and at least pretend like you empathize with them.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
A little kindness goes a long way. (Photo by Sgt. Justin Naylor)

Humor

The 13 funniest memes for the week of April 13th

There’s no reason to be afraid on Friday the 13th. It’s not like anything terrible has ever happened in the military on Friday the 13th. Oh? There has? Like, a lot of times?

Well, just sit back, relax, and enjoy these memes. After all, it’s not like WWIII will suddenly commence over a few Tweets. Oh? It might? Well, that sucks.


On the bright side, our normally arbitrary number of memes released on Fridays is instead kind of festive today. So, there’s that.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via Air Force amn/nco/snco)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

We’ve been preparing for war with Russia ever since the ’40s and it’s about to go down because of a Tweet?

Cool.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via Air Force Nation)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via /r/Military)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via Military Memes)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via /r/Military)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via /r/Army)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via Untied Status Marin Crops)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme by WATM)

Fun Fact: Jason’s stalking sound is actually “ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma” and not “chi-chi-chi, ah-ah-ah.”

Here’s a source right here to prove it.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via Grunt Style)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via PT Belt Nation)

Tell everyone you’re just trying to motivate the stragglers in the back.

For some reason, people still believe that.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via /r/military)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Meme via Pop Smoke)

Articles

A Ranger describes what being a ‘towed jumper’ is actually like

Airborne soldiers have some particular fears that most other troops don’t have to worry about. Total malfunctions of the parachute like a “cigarette roll” can cause them to hurtle into the earth at terminal velocity while mid-air entanglements can leave them with broken bones or worse.


One of their most unique fears is that of becoming a “towed jumper,” something that happens when their chute fails to separate from their static line and they are literally towed behind the plane like the pet dog from “National Lampoon’s Vacation.”

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Brian Hanson, a U.S. Army Ranger, bounces against the skin of a C-17 over the skies of Fort Benning, Georgia. (Go90 No Sh*t There I Was screenshot)

(Younger readers should not Google that reference. Instead, just imagine the worst possible version of parasailing.)

For Army Ranger Spc. Brian Hanson, the nightmare became a reality during a training jump under the stars of Fort Benning, Georgia. He and the rest of his company were under strict orders to conduct the perfect nighttime jump, to include not losing any gear.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Brian Hanson, a U.S. Army Ranger, tries to keep his gear together while flapping in the wind like a dog’s jowls. (Go90 No Sh*t There I Was screenshot)

But Hanson’s chute failed to separate and he became a towed jumper.

This left Hanson flying through the night sky as he fervently tried to keep all of his gear as close as possible despite the wind rushing over him while he dangled 1,200 feet above the surface of Benning. Watch the video above to learn how he made peace with these developments as well as the moment when he realized he was truly screwed.

Watch more No Sh*t There I Was:

Why it sucks to report to the ‘Good Idea Fairy’

This is why the military shouldn’t completely outlaw hazing

That time Linda Hamilton asked a Marine to the ball

This is a perfect example of how ridiculous boot camp is

Humor

The Olympic events each branch would be awesome at

People around the world watch in awe as the Olympic Games begin. Athletes, who have spent their entire lives mastering their given sport, are pitted against each other for the chance to emerge as the world’s greatest.


Yet, there’s always the few watching who say to themselves, “pssssh, that’s easy! I got this!” Many members of that group are veterans. Based entirely off of stereotypes associated with each branch of the armed forces, these are the events that we would dominate if given the chance.

1. Soldiers would win the biathlon.

In case you don’t know what a biathlon is, you cross-country ski for around 10 kilometers while carrying your rifle to eventually shoot at targets.

It’s basically a ruck march in the snow, minus the rucksack and plus some skis. And you actually get to shoot your rifle instead of just carrying it.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Finally! The event the 10th Mountain Division keeps saying they can do! (Photos (left) by Scott Sturkol and (right) Jack L. Gillund)

2. Marines would win shooting events.

Every Marine is a rifleman, right? The one thing Marines can confidently brag about over everyone else is their marksmanship.

If they brag about being able at shoot 500 meters with a rifle chambered in 5.56, they should clean the floor at 50 meters, prone with a .22 LR caliber rifle.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
You don’t want the Army to be the only branch to win Gold for Olympic shooting! (Photos (left) by Lance Cpl. Andrew Huff and (right) Tim Hipps)

3. Airmen would win cycling.

Airmen had cycling as a standard fitness test event until 2003, but it seems like every Airman is still obsessed with telling you how great their spin class is. So, why not put them to the test?

Just swap the PT belt for a spandex onesie and you’re set!

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Another benefit is that they still get a chair! (Photo (left) by Linda LaBonte Britt. Photo (right) courtesy of the Olympics)

4. Coast Guardsmen would win sailing.

Coast Guardsmen are here for two things: Kicking drug-smuggler ass and sailing. And at the Olympics, they’ll be all out of drug smugglers.

Our beloved Puddle Pirates are known for sailing all sorts of ships, so why not teach a few to sail Olympic regulation ships between drug busts?

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
A third thing they do is help stranded civilians on ships, like Olympic sailboats, when they mess up. (Photos (left) by Petty Officer 3rd Class Andrew Barresi and (right) Caroline Granycome)

5. Sailors should dominate beach volleyball.

Come on, sailors! If you guys are going to get upset about the Top Gun jokes while simultaneously playing volleyball for PT in the morning, at least win Olympic gold!

If sailors brought home gold, I think we’d all stop the jokes — or they’d never stop… it’s worth looking into, though.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
In all seriousness though, go Team USA! Troops or not, they’re doing our country proud! (Photo (left) by Cpl. Kirstin Merrimarahajara. Photo (right) courtesy of the DoD)

Humor

5 of the worst things about mail drops

Being forward deployed means you’re pretty much cut off from the rest of the world. You don’t have all the stateside luxuries, like continuous electricity, internet, and cell phone service.


If you’re stationed at a patrol base in Afghanistan, you could be up to 5,000 miles away from home — if not more. So, the only connection you have with the world back home is when the big mail truck comes around, delivering hand-written letters and Maxim magazines.

But if getting mail is so badass, what could be so bad about receiving it? Well, we’re glad you asked.

Related: 5 important rules every grunt should follow in a foot patrol

1. Things get lost in transit

Like we said earlier, depending on where you’re stationed, mail could have to travel more than 5,000 miles. This means that, somewhere along the line, your mail could get lost or stolen.

Yes, we said stolen. Unless the mail is air-dropped, the enemy has been known to strike allied convoys and damage the trucks that could be carrying your precious Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

So, that sucks.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
(Photo by Sgt. Jessica Webb)

2. The mailmen can get super serious — for no reason

We’re not sure if it’s the crowd that quickly surrounds the mail truck that gets the mailmen upset or the fact that coordinating the maildrop is the only momentary power they get, but the delivery guys get super serious when calling out the names addressed on care packages.

We just can’t figure out why.

3. Don’t expect your stuff not to be damaged

Over the course of the thousands of miles mail travels, when it gets sorted, it gets tossed around like it’s no big deal. Since it’s not the sorter’s mail, they really couldn’t care less what happens it for the most part.

So, packages get damaged.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Mail comes in as fast as it goes out.

4. Not everyone gets mail

The truth is, not every service member has a family back home for them to get stuff from. It’s a good thing there are charities out there who collect items and ship them to as many deployed service members as they can.

Also Read: 6 useful pieces of gear rarely on your packing list

5. Getting a “Dear John” letter

Yeah. This happens more than you think. She’s leaving you for your brother.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
John Tyree (Channing Tatum) reads his Dear John letter, which sucks. (Photo from Sony/Screen Gems’ Dear John)

Humor

6 worst parts about leaving a deployment

All good things must come to an end — including deployments. While getting out-of-country is the only goal, troops have a checklist of tasks that must be completed before they’re finally allowed to reunite with their families back home.


No one likes doing any of these tasks, especially when they’re already checked-out mentally.

6. Training up your replacements.

Meeting the new unit that comes in-country is the first sign that your deployment is almost over.

Getting people who are busy preparing for departure to teach the newbies that are completely lost is never an easy task, but hey, that’s the military.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Yeah, some guys like us and some guys don’t. Good like finding out which is which. We were here 12 months and couldn’t figure it out either. (Official U.S. Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Dustin D. March)

5. Cleaning gear

In the Ancient Greek legend of Sisyphus, the protagonist is cursed with the never-ending task of rolling a boulder up a mountain just for it to roll down the hill when he nears the top.

This is much like the never-ending struggle of troops trying to sweep all of the dirt out of the motor pool in the desert. Sweep as you might, it’ll never end. It’ll get just good enough for inspection until it’s time to finally get out of country.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

4. Sending gear back stateside

All of the troubles of selecting what you need and don’t need happens all over again — but in reverse. You’ll be putting gear away that you won’t see for a few months. It’s a fine idea for the extra parts of your sleeping system, but people who bring or buy video game consoles while deployed now have to worry about bringing it back home.

Of course, if you really wanted to make things easier (and you have the money for it), you could always use the postal service to send a tough box or two with your useful stuff.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
All you have is one duffle bag, one assault bag, your weapon, and the clothes on your back. (U.S. Army Photo by Capt. William Brink, Task Force Patriot PAO)

3. Customs

Traveling through customs in the civilian world is a cinch. Flash your passport, fill out a form, and don’t bring anything that’ll set off any alarms.

Did you know that gunpowder residue trips U.S. Customs’ sensors? Damn near every combat arms troop does, too — all of our gear is covered in gunpowder residue. Even though we’re carrying our weapons with us, they’ll still look at you funny for that gunpowder residue.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
And they never let you keep all of your bootleg DVDs either. (U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Katherine Spessa)

2. The flight

It’s like being a kid on Christmas Eve again. Just a few more hours and you get what you want. You know you should probably catch some sleep on the plane but your blood is pumping too much.

All of the “whatever amount of days and a wake-up” are now in hours. Minutes. Seconds. You watch the GPS tracker on the plane more than the actual in-flight movies. The anxiety builds; landing can’t come soon enough.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
That, and sleeping on a C-130 is only possible for troops who just really don’t care. (U.S. Army Photo by Sgt. Richard Wrigley)

1. That. Last. Formation. Before. Freedom.

Quick show of hands: Out of the countless times commanders have given a passionate speech to the friends and families of returning troops, how many are remembered by the troops?

Those months kind of fly by, but the last speech — you know, the one that starts with, “these fine gentlemen before you…” — goes in one ear and out the other. The only thing troops are focusing on is if they can find their loved ones in the crowd.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

Humor

5 things you should know before diving into a ‘contract marriage’

Scenario #1: A young service member walks into their newly assigned barracks room and notices how nasty it is. And on top of that, they have to share the small space with two or three other people that may or may not be very clean. The struggle is real.


Scenario #2: A service member may just have received orders to go on a 13-month deployment wants to make some cash while they’re gone.

Both of these very real circumstances of military life can be strong motivators for troops to tie the knot — and not for love.

Make money, money, money! (images via Giphy

Often called a “contract marriage,” these pairings are purely for monetary gain or medical benefits. No one is suggesting you do this versus saving your money or getting a second job if your command allows, but if you do it, keep these very important things in mind.

Related: 7 ways to surprise your spouses when they return from deployment

1. He/she can turn you in

Your contract husband or wife can blow the whistle on your verbal agreement without repercussions. So you’d better keep them happy.

Oh, sh*t! Busted. (images via Giphy)

2. Adultery is illegal

In the eyes of the military, you’re legally married (imagine that). So if you get caught engaging adult activites with anyone other than your spouse, you’re on the hook sailor.

Preach! (images via Giphy)

3. If she gets pregnant by you or someone else…

You better lawyer up, get divorced or decide to take care of the little rascal to keep the added benefits. That is all.

 You don’t want your name on that birth certificate. (images via Giphy)  

4. Separation pay

In some cases, if you play your cards right, you might be eligible for separation pay.

Separation pay is when your spouse “lives” in another area for one legitimate reason or another. Think about it. (images via Giphy)

Also Read: 7 ways to prove your spouse is really a spy

5. Repayment

If you do get a divorce, the military typically won’t stop the extra pay right away. So don’t go spending all that extra cash too fast. The government will take back every cent from your paycheck until they recoup what’s theirs.

The answer is, yes. (images via Giphy)You’re welcome America!

Humor

6 of the most disappointing military movies of all time

A good film can do amazing things for a viewer. It can you give an authentic glimpse into a real-life situation. It can stir up emotions and force you to sit with them. Yes, there is a reason that it’s called, “movie magic.”


Of course, we know that not everything can be good. There are far more bad films than there are good ones — this is equally true of the war movie genre.

This is, in part, because the details are what make a military movie good (more so than in other genres) and, when those details are missing, the films can get downright hard to watch.

Related: Bombs away! Here are the 13 worst military movies in Hollywood history

6. Rambo 3

There’s a reason that Stallone is still relevant many years after we were first introduced to him. His first two major releases (Rocky, Rocky II) endeared us all to him so much so that we’ve given him more than a few passes for some of his less impressive work.

One of his most notorious missteps is Rambo III. Sadly, this series evolved from a rich, layered film in First Blood to our eponymous hero inadvertently supporting the Taliban in the debacle that is Rambo III. Even watching this as a very young kid, the movie left plenty to be desired.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Stallone watching his last f*ck float over the horizon as he films this gratuitously bad movie. (Photo from TriStar Pictures’ Rambo III)

5. Basic

I was a young airman stationed in Oahu when this came out. While the cool quasi-group, Section 8, inspired many a young service member and friend to create “wild” cliques, that cape made anything and everything else about the movie unacceptable.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Does anyone have any idea where I can get an official Army enlisted cape? (Photo from Columbia Pictures’ Basic)

4. Jarhead 2

Jarhead is based on the real-life accounts of the Persian Gulf War from a real-life Marine, Anthony Swofford. I’m still trying to figure out what the sequel is based on.

Why was considered a good idea to made two sequels that have little in common with the original outside of the title, anyway?

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
We’re all asking the same question: Why?! (Photo from Universal Pictures’ Jarhead 2).

3. The Marine 2

Two things that just make it uber hard to take this film seriously.

1. It is made by the WWE.

2. The lead actor is Ted DiBiase Jr. No, not the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase… but his son.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
We needed the first one, but we definitely didn’t need the second. (Photo from 20th Century Fox’s The Marine 2)

2. Windtalkers

In a classic example of style over substance, Windtalkers is easily one of the most inaccurate, poorly executed war movies of the last 20 years. Not coincidentally, it enjoyed the third biggest financial loss for a war-themed movie ever.

Also Read: 7 more professional athletes you didn’t know were veterans

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
This movie could very well give you the Cage stare. (Photo from Metro Goldwyn Mayer’s Windtalkers)

1. Pearl Harbor

This is a three-hour movie, though only roughly 20 minutes of it is actually about the attack on Pearl Harbor. I was stationed at what is now Joint Base Hickam-Pearl Harbor when this premiered back in 2001 and there were some survivors there.

Some of those survivors explored the two bases — taking a trip down memory lane, I’m sure — before and after the premiere. I was lucky enough to converse with a few of them.

Let’s just say they didn’t have the best opinion of the movie and when I was able to see it, I understood exactly why.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
At the time of release, everyone in this photo was a star. Not so much today. (Photo from Buena Vista Pictures’ Pearl Harbor)

Articles

5 adjustments the Brits need to make when Marines deploy on the HMS Queen Elizabeth

It’s now official: Marines will put some F-35Bs on HMS Queen Elizabeth for the British carrier’s first deployment in 2021.


That said, the Brits will find that the U.S. Marines will do things a bit differently than Her Majesty’s lads. Here are a few things the Brits will need to do to make life “Oorah!” for American Leathernecks.

1. Schedule regular beer runs

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Photo Credit: Streetwear Deals

The Brits may need to borrow a Supply-class replenishment ship just to have enough beer on hand for the Marines. You see, no thanks to Josephus Daniels the U.S. Navy doesn’t allow alcohol on board its vessels.

Royal Navy ships, on the other hand, are “wet,” and with the heat on carrier decks, Marines will get thirsty. The Brits will need sufficient supplies of Coors Lite to keep the Marines happy.

Oh, yeah, and when it comes to the harder stuff – figure that it might not hurt to have extras on stock. But they can leave the brandy and sherry ashore.

2. Ditch the tea and pile up the energy drinks

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
An aluminum recycling bin is filled with empty energy drink cans in this 2009 photo. That year, 1,000 cans of energy drinks were sold each week at just ONE exchange in Germany. (Photo by Pfc. Jennifer Kennemer, 16th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment)

Earl Gray is not what most Marines will drink around 5:00pm. Forget even offering it.

Energy drinks on the other hand, are popular amongst all American service members. To fully understand how popular they are, keep in mind that according to a 2016 DOD release, Monster was the most popular cold beverage sold in the exchanges. In 2009, one exchange store reported selling 1,000 cans a week, according to an Army release.

Come to think of it… you may need a second replenishment ship for all the Monster that will be consumed. We’re sure Military Sealift Command will give a discount for leasing two Supply-class ships.

3. Stock coffee … and lots of it

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Marines make Coffee on Iwo Jima

While we’re talking about pick-me-ups, it may not be a bad idea to remember that the Marines will also drink coffee — and lots of it.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs from “NCIS” is not an aberration. The grouchiness if he doesn’t have his coffee – that’s not an aberration, either.

And the Marines have to have it.

That photo above was taken during the Battle of Iwo Jima. Trust me, if Leathernecks had their coffee during Iwo Jima — and did what they did there — you don’t want to see what Marines do without their coffee.

That might take a third Supply-class replenishment ship, by the way. MSC has to have a discount for leasing three, wethinks.

4. Add a rifle range

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
An M9 service pistol’s magazine rests on the firing line next to a scoring sheet during a pistol qualification course aboard Camp Lejeune, N.C., April 7, 2015. (U.S. Marine Corps photo taken by Cpl. Alexander Mitchell/released)

The Marines’ motto is, “Every Marine a Rifleman.” Even the jet jockeys.

So, you’re gonna need a range so the Marines can qualify on the M16A4 rifle and the M9 pistol. That means you’ll need a good backstop, plenty of ammo, and plenty of spare magazines for both (luckily the British L85 rifle uses the same magazines as the M16).

5. Brush up on what real football is

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
U.S. Naval Academy quarterback Kriss Proctor runs the ball during the 112th Army-Navy Football game at FEDEX Field in Landover, Md. The Midshipmen have won the previous nine meetings. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Chad Runge/Released)

Also, depending on the time of year, you will be in football season.

No, we’re not talking the game with the black-and-white round ball. That’s soccer.

We’re talking real football. Eleven on a team, yes, but beyond that, the Brits will need to know the intricacies of the 46 defense, what “Cover 2” means, and just who Tom Brady, DeMarcus Ware, and Ezekiel Elliot are — among others.

Also, don’t even think of mentioning Manchester United in the same breath as the Chicago Bears. Just don’t.

They aren’t even in the same league as Da Bears.

Humor

How Silicon Valley workers hilariously compared their lives to the USSR

Silicon Valley has a tendency to be mocked — there’s even an entire HBO comedy centered around the absurdities of living and working there.

But one Twitter user approached this subject in a new way: comparing the tech capital of the world to the former Soviet Union. Anton Troynikov created a Twitter thread on July 5, 2018, that quickly went viral over the weekend, making tongue-in-cheek comparisons between working for a tech giant like Tesla or Amazon and working in the USSR.


Here are some of the highlights:

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(HBO)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

A new heaven and new earth

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(Flickr / Jason Tester Guerrilla Futures)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

President Dwight D. Eisenhower

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

The Juicero machine.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(HBO)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

(AGON Limited)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

An actual bitcoin transaction from the Kraken cryptocurrency exchange to a hardware cryptocurrency wallet.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

An Amazon Fulfillment Center.

(Photo by Joe Andrucyk)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

Henry Kissinger with President Richard Nixon.

(Photo by Oliver F. Atkins)

‘Henry Kissinger visits sometimes for some reason’

You can check out the full thread over on Twitter.

This article originally appeared on Business Insider. Follow @BusinessInsider on Twitter.

Humor

5 types of platoon sergeants you’ll face in the infantry

Platoon sergeants have to be jacks-of-all-trades to handle their many roles. They must balance the welfare of their troops and supervise training evolutions all while keeping up with the platoon’s administrative tasks — it’s a lot of work.


When you first enter the unit as a newbie boot, it’s rare that you’ll ever get to know much about your platoon sergeant outside of their name, rank, and how many countries they’ve deployed to. However, there are others who pride themselves on getting to know a few things about each one of their troops. Every platoon sergeant has their own style of leading that works best for them.

But, if you’re in the infantry, you’ll come in contact with at least five different types of platoon sergeants in a grunt unit.

Related: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

1. The tactical, hands-on one

Some platoon sergeants take a back seat to their other NCOs when it comes training their troops. Others want to spearhead the training and break everything down themselves, “Barney style” — which isn’t a bad thing.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

2. The organized pointer

This type of platoon sergeant has practically seen it all and done it all. He shows up prepared and ready to kick ass. They know what they need and how to get the job done.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

3. The one who wants to get in the fight

This motivated leader helps plan out missions and even lends a hand when they aren’t in battalion-level meetings.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Locked and loaded. (Photo from Wikimedia Commons)

4. The one who loves themselves some training

These are one of our favorite types. They’re the ones who will strap on a heavy pack and go on a ruck march to prove they can lead, and that they’ve still “got it.”

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
After a 12-mile hike, this platoon sergeant is still smiling — no big deal. (NCO Journal photo by Clifford Kyle Jones)

Also Read: 7 different types of MPs you’ll face at the gate

5. The seasoned badass

This is the type that when he speaks, everyone in the platoon listens like the words are spoken from scripture. He’s earned the right to be heard by everyone. Other up-and-coming grunts hope they’ll be like him someday.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Staff Sgt. Tom Painter, a section leader with Amphibious Assault Vehicle Platoon debriefs his Marines after conducting a field exercise. (Photo from Wikimedia Commons)

Humor

5 reasons why Pennywise would make the best recruiter ever

If you’ve ever spoken to a recruiter, you know that they tend to say impressive things to get young men and women interested in joining their branch of service.


Many people call recruiters “used car salesmen,” but in all fairness, they’re just trying to make a living and fill their quotas. Experienced recruiters have unique ways of conveying information to make everything sound positive and exciting — it’s a freakin’ gift.

Related: 11 things your platoon medic would never say

But, we think fictional character “Pennywise the Dancing Clown” from Stephen King’s It could take the crown as the best recruiter if he wanted to. Here’s why:

5. He makes some insane recruiting videos

If he can use video to kill someone through a kids’ show, he can get you to enlist.

Enlist today! Enlist today! Enlist today! (Image via GIPHY)

4. Pennywise can pop up at virtually any location

Just when you think you’ve gotten away from him, the f*cker crawls out of the refrigerator!

Oh, he’s good. (Image via GIPHY)

3. You can find his picture in any history book he wants.

You’ll find him when you’re flipping through one of your American history textbooks. Talk about subliminal advertising.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
He’s been around for a while… (Image from New Line Cinema’s It)

2. He can lead you to his office with a simple red balloon

Recruiters bust their asses trying to get young teens into their office just to pitch the idea of joining their branch. Once they’ve gotten your attention, they have no problem of secretly leading you off to their office.

Plus, they might have candy.

Follow the pretty balloon and enlist. (Image via GIPHY)

Also Read: 6 reasons why you need a sense of humor in the infantry

1. He makes amazing promises

Recruiters are notorious for making military life seem freakin’ awesome and leave out certain terms, like “working parties.” Pennywise makes traveling through nasty sewers seem like the cool thing to do.

Let’s face it, Pennywise did say he has popcorn — and we like popcorn!

 

(Movieclips Trailers | YouTube) 

This is all in good humor. We love our recruiters.

Humor

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Dec. 1

It’s December now, and as we stare down the barrel of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa… um… Boxing Day… and probably others (the only holiday I care about it National Waffle Day), we can finally look forward to holiday leave.


We spend time with family, drink in that one bar in our hometown that everyone we’ve ever known goes to, and open up the new fighting season in the war on Christmas.

Now matter how stressful the holiday season can get, you know who has your back? Memes. Veterans will make memes until they run out of jokes to tell. Did you see how much fun they had with the sky dick?

Oh man, anyway… here are the best memes of the week, created by your veteran social media community.

1. A toast to war criminals the world over!

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Worst Mall Santa Ever.

2. Marines are a contentious people.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

Watch: Navy just dropped its 2017 smack talk video

3. When you meet other veterans while on holiday leave. (via Decelerate Your Life)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Also: The Air Force has just as many stupid people as any other branch.

4. The wind beneath my wings got a DD-214 (via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Moves like Gandalf.

5. This is not helping our Chair Force image. (via Maintainer Nation)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Here we see Airman Snuffy sittin’ pretty in a 2017 Telford II Luxura model. So ANG.

Related: 7 military things that somehow get you fired in the civilian world

6. Now we know why he crossed the road. (via Pop Smoke)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
The one day the sky isn’t falling.

7. UN sanctions on North Korea must include Windex.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

8. The real reason weapons aren’t allowed in Antarctica.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
This revolution will not (but totally should) be televised.

Now Read: This MARSOC recruiting video looks like a Hollywood movie

9. Remember when I said no more ‘Sky Dick’ memes?

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Pants on fire.

10. I don’t know what they’re training for, but they’re winning.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Fuels doesn’t have a Class Six.

11. Spend free time learning to build robots.

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk
Or pass butter.

12. Repent for the sins you committed on Thanksgiving. (via the Salty Soldier)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

Also: This is what ‘eternal patrol’ means for a submarine  

13. Some people just join the Navy… (via Decelerate Your Life)

5 ways to ethically ‘bribe’ the training room clerk

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