7 things you'll never hear a Marine drill instructor say - We Are The Mighty
Humor

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Marine Corps boot camp is specially designed to mentally break down recruits before allowing them to earn the prestigious title of U.S. Marine.


When Marine hopefuls step on those famous yellow footprints during the receiving process, they need to be ready to have tons of information hurled at them.

Throughout their 13 weeks of training, recruits can expect to hear all manner of orders, insults, and jokes screamed at them.

Related: 9 things you’ll never hear your platoon sergeant say

However, it’s doubtful they will ever hear these words:

7. “Whenever you’re ready, gentlemen.”

Drill instructors aren’t patient or gentle with their recruits because they don’t have to be. In fact, if a recruit isn’t moving at “double-time” — they’re freakin’ wrong.

6. “If we are too mean, let us know and we’ll tone it down for you.” That’s not what the Marines are for?

That’s just not going to happen, really.

5. “If you can’t run three miles, it’s okay to quit after just one.”

Marines pride themselves on finishing every job. Instilling that no-fail mindset into young recruits is critical.

 

marines running
Lt. Col. David Bardorf and Sgt. Maj. Michael Rowan lead their battalion on a run during the annual battalion’s physical training session. (Photo from USMC)

 

4. “You are outstanding! I can’t wait to serve with you one day in a grunt unit.”

The U.S. Marine Corps is known for being the smallest branch. It’s rare that you’ll run into your senior drill instructor years down the line, but it happens. That being said, the recruit you are now isn’t the Marine they’ll want to serve beside later.

3. “I will never show you my knife-hand.” Marines learn love knife hands. Or Embrace them, at least.

You will see your DI’s knife-hand frequently and often.

Marine DI executing a knife hand
This DI executes a perfect knife-hand at a recruit rocking a glow belt. (Photo from USMC)

 

2. “Slow down. The war will wait for you.”

The war doesn’t wait and you should never slow down. If that’s not common sense to you now, it will be.

Also Read: 5 heroic movie acts a military officer would never do

1. “Don’t worry about learning your general orders because they’re useless.” Not in Marine hell.

General orders are a pain in the ass to memorize, but they’re burnt into your memory because they can save lives.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
U.S. Marine Corps Staff Sgt. Christopher J. Rebollar, a drill instructor with Company D, 1st Recruit Training Battalion, Recruit Training Regiment, corrects a recruit aboard Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, Calif., June 20, 2016. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Erick J. ClarosVillalta)

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Humor

5 reasons why King Leonidas would make the best platoon sergeant ever

In 2006, a film about how 300 Spartan warriors, led by a king known as Leonidas, went to war against a massive Persian army debuted in cinemas across the globe.


The film was an instant success. Suddenly, it was a universally accepted fact that Spartans kicking the crap out of someone is a reliable way of ending a dispute. The story follows King Leonidas, a man bred to be a warrior king from the moment he was born, as he leads his loyal army against Greece’s enemies.

Though extremely outnumbered, Leonidas valorously leads his mean up against the odds and ends up dying alongside them in battle — which is totally unheard of today.

Related: 6 DC comic heroes who served in the Army

1. He leads from the front

Many so-called “leaders” actually lead from the rear, which means they issue an order, watch their men do all the dangerous sh*t, and then take all credit for it.

King Leonidas was in front of all the battle formations and would often step forward, on his own, to kill as many people as possible.

That’s what we call a freakin’ leader.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Warner Brothers’ 300)

2. He f*cks the enemy up on the spot

King Leonidas wasn’t out to win any hearts or minds. Instead, he intended to rip out your heart and put a blade through your mind.

If you come around his FOB and talk sh*t, he’ll Spartan kick you in front of everybody.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Warner Brothers’ 300)

3. He is the same person at home as he is with his men

Some troops in high positions shed their aggression when they get home — not King Leonidas. In fact, he started training his son in hand-to-hand combat while he was still wearing diapers. That’s what we call “startin’ em off early.”

4. He knows a sh*tty soldier when he sees one

Leonidas knows talent when he sees it. He plainly dismisses a fellow Greek’s plea to fight the Persian empire because he wasn’t physically capable of fighting like a true Spartan. Real leaders don’t want you on their team if you can’t keep up with the rest of the hard-chargers.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Warner Brothers’ 300)

Also Read: 5 ways your platoon would be different with Rambo in charge

5. He knew military strategy

Leonidas develops a master plan to use the land to his advantage and take out a vast Persian army with only 300 men. The idea works, too, until that dude who he denied earlier snitches him out like a punk-a**. It happens.

Humor

7 ways barracks parties prepare you for college life

Alcohol and parties are commonplace in the military. Only troops can throw a raging party on a Thursday that destroys the barracks, instigate a platoon versus platoon fist fight, and involve the Colonel’s hot 22-year-old daughter all while avoiding MPs being called and everyone making it to the 12-mile ruck in the morning. When those same troops get out and use their GI Bill, not a single one of them will be impressed when a classmate says, “Dude! This party is gonna be just like the film, Project X!”


Spoiler alert: It won’t. Not until a college kid rips down a door just to use it as a beer pong table will it even come close. Only a veteran with a DD-214 still warm from the printer can get that party going.

Here are 7 ways barracks parties get you ready for college life.

7. You can actually get the party started!

Veteran students are often seen as the most charismatic bunch. It’s not because we’re the most social people, we just don’t give a damn what people think of us.

This can lead others to follow us — especially to parties. Veterans won’t ever let those college kids down.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
How every veteran shows up to the party. (Image from Columbia Pictures’ 22 Jump Street)

6. You can entertain everyone, from every walk of life

Part of military life is meeting everyone from every corner of the country (in some cases, the world) and getting them drunk. If you want to see a beautiful photo of every race, ethnicity, religion, gender, economic status, and overall place in life, just check out the barracks on any given payday weekend. They’ll all be wasted and probably a few will have their shirts off.

College campuses usually have that same makeup, but veterans can bridge that gap… with copious amounts of alcohol.



Well, Wayne Gretzky did say, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” (Image via GIPHY)

5. You’ll actually know how to talk to the person you’re interested in

On or around military installations, to put it frankly, there aren’t that many beautiful women. If there is one, troops will literally fight each other for the chance to talk to her.

Take that same veteran, who needed to perfect the art of talking to the other sex, give them a strong personality and a good looking body, and let them loose.



We don’t even need to use BAH as a pick-up line anymore! (Image via GIPHY)

4. You’ll know how to hold your liquor

It takes a lot to get troops drunk. The general rule of thumb is to bring as much as you plan on drinking and then some extra. This results in troops coming to parties with bottles upons bottle of booze. All that, and they’ll still probably be just at the upper limit of tipsy or at least can pretend well enough that they aren’t sh*tfaced.

Don’t be surprised when a veteran downs an entire bottle of whiskey, straight, no chaser, and then asks who’s down for shots.



Civilians think they can drink. That’s cute. (Image via GIPHY)

 

3. You’ll know how to babysit

Troops always look after one another at barracks parties. We needed to make sure that no one got in trouble and that no one chokes on their own puke. When a situation arises, troops can snap back to sobriety well enough to handle it.

Being the only ones who can hold their liquor also means they’ll be sober enough to deal with everyone else’s problems when they’re drunk. And it’s never a fun problem like, “we need to hide the colonel’s hot 22-year old daughter! Dad’s on his way!” It’s always boring, civilian problems.



Vets will always carry you home. Mostly to flex for the ladies. (Image via GIPHY)

2. You’ll know how to make the next one even bigger

Troops have astounding drunken memory. They probably couldn’t tell you why they did what they did, but they can remember doing it.

Veterans will take mental notes as if they were a staff officer. They’ll check off what alcohol people actually drank, which music worked best, and who to invite (and not invite) next time.



A vet probably wouldn’t be joking though… (Image via GIPHY)

1. You can still make it to class the next day

Hangovers still exist. That’s just the way it is when you start adding more birthdays to your life. Troops just keep their mouths shut about it because they know they probably shouldn’t have drank an entire handle the night before an 0530 PT test.

When the only stressor is being able to make it to a 9 a.m. class to listen to a math lecture, veterans will probably still make it there fifteen minutes early.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
We worked too damn hard to throw away an opportunity at college. (Image via Reddit)

Articles

These 17 hilarious reviews of MREs from troops in the field will bring back memories

If there’s one thing the DoD can count on soldiers to be bluntly honest about, it’s the food. In 2005, 400 soldiers from Fort Greely, Alaska, were asked to taste test a new menu of Meals, Ready to Eat for anything that might stand out to them.


There were a lot of standouts.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Fort Greely is one of the coldest places in the U.S. military. This is how they warm up. Probably. (U.S. Army photo by Staff Sgt. Daniel Love)

Fort Greely’s finest filled out the evaluation forms, which were then compiled and sent to the DoD office that manages the procurement of field rations. Grunts don’t pull punches. That’s kinda the whole point of their job.

The main result was that U.S. troops got new MREs. Luckily for us, the Smoking Gun got their hands on the actual reviews and some of the comments are gold.

1. Shakespeare:

“Cheese spread with bread is never a liked mix. Anger is usually the result.”

2. The prophet:

“I noticed this meal # was 666…I will probably die of a massive heart attack thank you for feeding me possessed food.”

3. The skeptic:

“This donut is just a brownie in a circle with crappy “frosting” what are you trying to pull?”

4. The poet:

“I believe it was the dinner meal that caused this (Chicken and Dumplings), but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.”

5. The biographer:

“I have disliked cabbage since childhood.”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

6. The drama queen:

“Oh my god what were you thinking… don’t give cabbage to a soldier ever again even POWs deserve better.”

7. The fortune teller:

“The entree will only be eaten if you haven’t eaten all day.”

8. The PR Rep:

“Maybe change the name ‘Chicken Loaf,’ [it] scares me.”

9. PFC Gung Ho:

“Put Ranch Dressing on everything! Airborne!”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

10. The guy who’s wrong about everything:

“F*ck hot sauce [put] gummy bears inside.”

11. Sgt. WTF:

“Tabasco is good in your coffee.”

12. The Obvious Sapper:

“Change the Ranger bar name to ‘Sapper Bar'”

13. The Stream of Consciousness:

“5 Veg ravioli ‘friggin’ sucks. Spiced apple ‘friggin’ rock. Apple cinn. Pound cake taste like cheap perfume. (Friggin). Is chocoletto a foreign Name crap? Pizza anything friggin rocks! Gum is good.”

14. Staff Sgt. TMI:

“This new menu has me using the latrine 3x a day.”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
The Post-MRE Experience we all know.

15. Sgt. Maj. No Chance:

“Please bring back cigarettes.”

16. Pvt. Ungrateful:

“Jerky is very, very good. How many years did it take to figure that out?”

17. Sgt. Missing the Point:

“The name should be fiesta breakfast party. That would be funny.”

“The vanilla pudding is so good I ripped it open, Licked the inside and rolled around on top of it like a dog. I prefer not to eat anything called loaf but in this case I made an exception… thank god I DID.”

Humor

10 MP memes that will make you laugh all day

These young men and women are the first troops you’ll see in the morning as you drive onto base and they’re the last people you’ll see as you exit at night. The military police protect us from the various threats trying to sneak onto secured territory and they carefully watch the convicted criminals that are locked up — and this thankless job isn’t freakin’ easy.

The brave souls who serve as military police also take a lot of sh*t from their brothers- and sisters-in-arms — but it’s all in good fun… just like these memes.


7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

(The Salty Soldier)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Humor

4 unusual tasks Corpsman do that their recruiters left out

When men and women around the globe enlist in the Navy with a contract to become Corpsmen, it’s a pretty good feeling.


Good recruiters can make chipping paint and shining brass sound bad ass (“think of the adventure!”), but let’s be honest: they have quotas to fill each month, people.

For the most part, they’ll tell you the truth about what will be asked of you while you serve, but there are some details that don’t make it into the recruiting pamphlets.

As a “Doc,” you’ll get to work alongside and assist Doctors, nurses, and IDCs (Independent Duty Corpsmen), gaining knowledge from them to support your career moving forward; but that’s not all you’ll have to do.

Check out these unusual tasks Corpsmen never saw coming.

Also read: 6 tips to get a ‘sick in quarters’ chit in the military

1. The silver bullet

Probably the most popular slang “medical” term in any branch. Typically, temperature is taken orally, but if someone falls out of a hike or PT because of heat exhaustion…standby for the bullet.

Feared by all

2. Having sick call in your barracks room

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
And the day after that and the day after that… (Image via giphy and Simpsons World).

When Corpsmen get stationed with the Marines (also known as the Greenside), you typically live with them in the barracks. This also means a lot of your medical gear is right there in the room with you.

If your Marines love you, which most of them do, they tend to show up at your barracks door at 0400 for an I.V. treatment to “rehydrate” them an hour before mandatory PT.

The B.A.S. or Battalion Aid Station isn’t open on nights, weekends, or early mornings — just normal office hours.

3. Bore punching

Working sick call as a boot Corpsman, you’ll get exposed to some interesting on-job-training. Bore punching is a euphemism for swabbing male genitals for an STD with a 6 inch Q-tip. Yup! Right down the pee hole.

If your Chief or Lieutenant are “too busy” and they say you need to do it for a patient — you need to do it.

Welcome to the Navy, baby!

4. Finger waving

No, this isn’t the newest break dancing move or a classy way to hit on someone at the bar — it’s the alternative name for a rectal exam. It is shocking what the Navy allows Corpsman to do after only 12-16 weeks of training.

Don’t forget the lube! Can you think of any more? Comment below. And don’t forget to include all the slang terms for Corpsmen.
Humor

5 reasons why ‘Saving Private Ryan’ should have been about Pvt. Ryan

In 1998, Steven Spielberg put forth what’s considered one of the best war movies of all time, Saving Private Ryan. The filmmaker brings audiences inside the life of an infantry squad as they maneuver through the bloody battlefields of World War II.


Saving Private Ryan follows a squad of Army Rangers whose sole mission is to locate one soldier and bring him home after his brothers were discovered to be killed in battle.

Despite the film’s title, the movie doesn’t center around the eponymous Pvt. Ryan, but rather the men who bear the struggles of war to find him.

Related: This is what the pilots from ‘Top Gun’ are doing today

So, check out five reasons why we think Saving Private Ryan should have been about Pvt. Ryan.

5. The Ryan brothers getting separated

After the audience learns that 3 of the 4 Ryan brothers have died in battle, General Marshall is informed that they were all separated due to the Sullivan Act.

Watching the Ryan brothers as they get split up, knowing it might be the last time they would ever see one another, would’ve been an exceptionally powerful scene.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
These Army officers discuss the news of Pvt. Ryan’s dilemma and formulate a plan to get him out. (Image from DreamWorks Studios)

4. The paratrooper’s perspective

At one point in the film, Capt. Miller learns about all of the mis-drops that affected airborne soldiers, including Pvt. Ryan. How awesome would the footage have looked with Spielberg behind the camera, capturing the paratroopers’ perspectives on inaccurate drops?

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Lt. Colonel Anderson informs Capt. Miller of his new and incredibly difficult mission — find one man in the whole damn war. (Image from DreamWorks Studios)

3. The first battle over the bridge

Cpl. Henderson debriefs Capt. Miller on their bloody encounters with the Germans while babysitting the bridge. Some of us would have rather seen that intense footage as opposed to watching one of our favorite medics pass away as a result of an avoidable firefight.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Cpl. Henderson debriefs the Rangers on their bloody encounters with the Germans. (Image from DreamWorks Studios)

2. Humanizing Pvt. Ryan

Let’s face it, Pvt. Ryan isn’t our favorite, but we understand why he didn’t want to leave the only brothers he had left. But, a few minutes before the Germans show up to fight, Pvt. Ryan tells Capt. Miller a funny story of the last night he and his brothers were together.

Actually seeing the Ryan brothers all together, causing a ruckus, would bring some comic relief to an otherwise dark film.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Ryan laughs as he remembers a funny story of the last time he was with his brothers. (Image from DreamWorks Studios)

Also Read: 5 things you didn’t know about Sgt. Elias’s death scene in ‘Platoon’

1. “Earn this”

Toward the end of the film, Capt. Miller brings Ryan in close and tells him to “earn this.” These simple words have a significant impact on Pvt. Ryan’s life moving forward. But, outside of bringing his family to Capt. Miller’s grave, we don’t know how Ryan lived out his days.

Centering the film around Pvt. Ryan and showing a montage his successful, post-war life could help give us closure.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Capt. Miller and Pvt. Ryan watch the P-51s fly through the battlespace right after a hectic firefight. (Image from DreamWorks Studios)

Humor

8 useful habits veterans form in the military

When you’re in the military, every bit of civilian life is broken out of you. When a veteran returns to civilian life, there are plenty of habits that get dropped like a bag of bricks. Slowly, we learn to sleep in a bit more and not get upset if someone in our new office has a bit of stubble. Some habits, however, aren’t turned off because of how much of an edge it gives us over civilians.


8. Calling people “sir” or “ma’am”

Respect is a two-way street. Start a conversation with someone with respect and they’ll look at you better for it.

 

Even if it hurts our soul, we’ll still use “sir” and “ma’am.” (Image via GIPHY)

7. Scheduling and being 15 minutes early

Every hour of every day is planned. Routes are checked well beforehand to see how long it’ll take to get somewhere and departure times are planned accordingly. Even with the planning, veterans still make it there before the given time, just in case.

Admittedly, it’s a pain when nobody else gets it and we have to find something to occupy our time while we wait.

Eh. We’ll find something else to do. (Image via GIPHY)

6. Preplanning every detail (with backups)

When veterans arrive, we have a game plan — with an alternate plan, and a contingency plan, and an emergency plan…

In that one-in-a-hundred time where we don’t have a plan, our “winging it” skills are on point.

The typical “Plan D” is to say, “f*ck it” and leave. (Image via GIPHY)

5. Eating fast

While we all need food to survive, it just takes too much damn time to consume it. Veterans cut the fat and use that extra fifteen minutes each meal to wait in front of wherever we’re going next.

This doesn’t stop when a veteran gets out of service. Take speed eating and eliminate the need to stay fit and you quickly get an idea why some vets get fat.

Every vet during their first week at Fort Couch. (Image via GIPHY)

4. Driving aggressively

We drive recklessly and safe at the same time. We’ll swerve in and out of traffic like it’s nothing and yet our driving records are spotless.

Some people might view this as us “driving like assholes.” We call it “I didn’t like that cardboard box / White Toyota Helix on the side of the road.”

That’s basically the reason why we always drive in the middle of the road. (Image via GIPHY)

3. Not complaining about weather

Ever hear a veteran complain that it’s too cold, too hot, too wet, or too snowy? Hell no.

Whatever the weather, at least we’re not enduring it in the field.

PCSing to nearly every base on the planet does that to you. (Image via GIPHY)

2. Using more accurate terminology

The English language is fascinating. While most civilians make up some onomatopoeia and call it a “thingy,” troops and veterans will usually default to whatever we called it in the service.

A bathroom is a “latrine” or “head” because you’re not going in there to bathe. If something is “ate-up” or a “charlie foxtrot,” we can point out how much of a clusterf*ck something is without letting everyone know someone’s a dumbsh*t.

Vet-specific terms are mostly insults though, which leads us to… (Image via GIPHY)

1. Pointing out peoples’ flaws in a polite and effective manner

In the military, troops need to be able to tell the person who outranks them by a mile that something’s wrong.

Troops can tell a General — in a polite way — that their boot is untied. Troops can also tell a Private that they’re a friggin’ idiot for showing up to PT formation only 9 minutes early.

We’re quick to point out the flaws. (Image via GIPHY)

*Bonus* Morning workout routine

Many vets still work out. The rest either embrace Fort Couch or lie about it — but we know the truth.

No one’s judging. (Image via GIPHY)

Articles

Smooth talking your way through gear turn-in is a stinky proposition

Army Capt. Rebecca Murga had the same goals as anyone else at gear turn-in after deployment: get rid of this sh*t and get back home. But she made a rookie mistake when she left Afghanistan without double-checking her gear against her clothing list.


7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Capt. Rebecca Murga tries to find a missing Gore-Tex item while turning in items at the Central Issue Facility. (Go90 No Sh*t There I Was screenshot)

That’s how she ended up at the Central Issue Facility with a desperate need to go home and no Gore-Tex. And since Army property values never match civilian price points, she’s left with the option of paying hundreds of dollars or weaving a Gore-Tex from cobwebs and unicorn dreams.

Anyone who has dealt with DoD civilians knows that it’s a recipe for frustration, but Murga manages to smooth talk her way through the facility only to find herself faced with something worse.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Something much, much worse. (Go90 No Sh*t There I Was screenshot)

See how Murga’s conscience clouds her homecoming in the No Sh*t There I Was episode embedded at the top.

Watch more No Sh*t There I Was:

This is a perfect example of how ridiculous boot camp is

This is why the military shouldn’t completely outlaw hazing

Why you should never run through smoke you didn’t throw

That time Linda Hamilton asked a Marine to the ball

Articles

Here’s the history behind ‘Reveille’

We’ve all heard the familiar tune being blared over the intercom or performed live bright and early as the American flag is raised for the beginning of the day.


For other troops stationed on a military base, it’s the bugle call that made them dash for cover so they wouldn’t have to stand outside and salute on a cold morning or throw your pillow at the window in your barracks like it’s going to get the signal to stop — you get the point.

But the motivation behind the “Reveille” tune isn’t to just wake us up, but instead is to remind us of those who have served in remembrance.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Airmen salute the flag during reveille at the Eglin Professional Development Center. (Photo: Tech. Sgt. Jasmin Taylor)

Reveille comes from the French word “réveiller” or in English to “to wake up.

In 1812, U.S. forces designated the iconic melody to call service members to muster up for roll call to start the work day.

It appears there is no official composer of the tune, which is used by about six countries like Denmark, Ireland, and Sweden to mark the start of the day.

The notes for each country do vary and they all have written different lyrics as well.

“Reveille” lyrics

“Out on a hike all day, dear

Part of the army grind

Weary and long the way, dear

But really I don’t mind

I’m getting tired so I can sleep

I want to sleep so I can dream

I want to dream so I can be with you

I’ve got your picture by my bed

‘Twill soon be placed beneath my head

To keep me company the whole night through

For a little while, whatever befalls

I will see your smile till reveille calls

I hope you’re tired enough to sleep

And please sleep long enough to dream

And look for me for I’ll be dreaming too”

Click play on the video below and try to sing along.

(United States Air Force Band – Topic, YouTube)Fun fact: Reveille is also the official name of the Texas A&M mascot in the ROTC program — a dog. That is all.
Articles

4 gross non-battle injuries medics have to look at

Corpsmen and medics who serve in the infantry have their work cut out for them. They wake up at the butt-crack of dawn for patrol, maybe get shot at a few times, then head back to base to eat chow.


They serve as infantrymen until they have to kick into doctor mode and patch up their buddies’ wounds; this involves putting their hands into some weird cavities, but it’s all part of the job.

Every once in a while they may even have to take care of the bad guys for various reasons. Sometimes it’s just for a simple sore throat and other times it’s for something a whole lot nastier.

 Related: 5 key differences between Army medics and Navy corpsmen

War is fought in some dirty places, like the trenches of World War I, the foxholes of World War II, and the jungles of Vietnam. Many of the injuries medics treat on the battlefield don’t come from bullets or bombs — they’re from unsanitary conditions.

So check out these gross things medics have to look at and be able to treat on a day-to-day basis.

1. Ingrown toenails

Ingrown toenails are the result of poor foot care and bad grooming practices.

A well-executed toenail extraction. (Images via Giphy)

2. MRSA

Stands for “Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus” and it’s meaner than your ordinary pimple. On the surface, it doesn’t look too frightening. But below the skin, it’s chewing you up.

See a professional before popping. (Images via Giphy)

3. Mouth ulcers

With a variety of known causes, mouth ulcers are typically related to a viral infection in the body. Pain management is required or everything that touches the sores will hurt.

I told you everything hurt a mouth sore. (Images via Giphy)

Also Read: 6 things corpsmen should know before going to the ‘Greenside’

4. Bacterial conjunctivitis

Better known as pink eye, the beginning stage isn’t so bad. But left untreated, the condition could lead to losing an eye. What’s nasty about this ailment is that it’s typically produced by poop particles floating in the air and getting in your eyes.

Anyone can get pink eye so wear your eye protection out there, people.  (Images via Giphy)What gross non-battle things have you seen on deployment? Comment below.

Humor

4 ways to actually impress Secretary Mattis

On a recent trip to Indonesia, Secretary of Defense James Mattis was treated to a display of intensity by the Indonesian Special Forces. They broke flaming bricks with their heads, rolled in broken glass, and even went as far as drinking the blood of snakes — all to impress the Warrior Monk. While Indonesian Special Forces’ demonstration definitely shows a willingness to fight, it might be a bit too much.


It’s actually not that hard to decipher ways to really impress Secretary Mattis. He basically tells everyone how to be a warrior and everyone misinterprets his advice as yet another ‘Mattisism.’ It’s simple. Just don’t call him “Mad Dog” and be a competent fighter and you’ll be on his good side. Here are some other quick, simple ways to impress the Secretary of Defense.

4. Don’t use PowerPoint

One of the most simple (and true) Mattisisms is, “PowerPoint makes us stupid” — and damn near everyone in the military agrees. Sure, it may be an easy and useful way to bullet point out some notes, but the point of “easy and useful” is lost when PowerPoint Rangers spend their entire careers creating them instead of, you know, leading their troops.

I hate to break it to every staff officer out there stuck deciding on a font, but you’re wasting your time. Your troops are waiting for you.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
War may be this complicated on Gen. McCrystal’s level, but the average trigger-puller doesn’t care. (Image via Army)

3. Shoot the assholes who need to be shot

Every troop, from the knuckle-dragging grunt to the PowerPoint Ranger, joined the military for one reason: to help fight America’s wars. Many infantrymen kick in doors daily and many POGs may never come within a grid-square of danger. This shouldn’t matter: When the time comes, you should be willing to fight and end the enemy before they end you.

Whether they know it or not, the reason Secretary Mattis was impressed with Indonesian Special Forces was their willingness to prove they have what it takes to be a warfighter.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Having a solid door-kick doesn’t hurt either. (Photo by Staff Sgt. Tierney Curry)

2. Be polite, be professional…

And, of course, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. This doesn’t mean that you should constantly live your life like you’re playing Grand Theft Auto V. It means that you should always stay vigilant.

Treat everyone as if they’re your friend, but have a backup plan in case they don’t feel the same way about you.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Never take your head off a swivel. Ever. (U.S. Army photo by Cpl. George Huley)

1. Actually read the books on his reading list

Show of hands: Who’s actually read through every single book that Secretary Mattis has recommended throughout his lengthy military career? Much respect if you have, and no judgment if you haven’t.

While everyone will eat up his Mattisisms about being the meanest, roughest, most savage son of a b*tch on the battlefield, he actually talks more about being smart. “Engage your brain before your weapon.”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Learn everything you can – except how to spell ‘dafeet.’ (DoD photo by Army Sgt. Amber I. Smith)

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6 things that 330 Marines can do on their own

Russia recently announced that a nuclear strike was on the table after Norway allowed 330 U.S. Marines into the country.


Not 330 Marine divisions. Not 330 tanks and their crews. But 330 Marines with their personal gear.

You know, enough Marines to firmly hold a small town, but about 380,000 fewer troops than the U.S. used to invade Iraq.

But Russia has freaked out like this is a huge military force staged on their border instead of a couple of hundred troops 600 miles away. Frants Klintsevitsj, the deputy chairman of Russia’s defense and security committee, even went on national TV and said that Norway had been added to Russia’s target list for nuclear weapons.

Listen to the author and other veterans talk about the damage 330 U.S. Marines can do on the Mandatory Fun podcast

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It turns out that most people have been underestimating Marines since 330 of them are apparently such a strategic threat that it necessitates a nuclear deterrent. In light of this new information, here are six things that 330 Marines could do on their own:

1. Conquer Russia, obviously

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Photo: US Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Nicholas Lienemann

Clearly. Russia has basically admitted it.

2. Kill Xerxes and use his bones to beat the rest of the Persian Army to death

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Photo: Flickr/Guillaume Cattiaux)

The famed 300 Spartans at Thermopylae did a good job holding back the Persian forces, but they’re not a nuclear-equivalent force like the Marines are. And, the Marines enjoy a 10 percent size advantage against the Spartans. Expect the Marines to quickly cut their way through to Xerxes’ private traveling palace, dismantle the god-king, and use his bones as cudgels against the rest of the Persian army.

3. Install Gen. James Mattis as the Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Photo: U.S. Marine Corps)

Since Idi Amin died in 2003, the Earth has gone without a Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas. While Amin was seen as a lackluster Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas, this was mainly because he was more interested in being a tyrant of humans than anything else.

But, 330 Marines could easily quash the lions or any other animal who tries to claim dominion over our planet’s living creatures. This would allow them to install their favorite candidate for anything ever, Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis.

Also read: 15 quotes from Gen. Mad Dog’ Mattis, slayer of bodies

4. Stop the invasion of Mars currently being conducted by the legions of Hell

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Video capture: WATM Logan Nye)

Since the traitor Olivia Pierce opened a portal to Hell and allowed legions of demonic forces with jetpacks and arm cannons to invade Mars, America has been cut off from the formerly steady argent energy produced on the red planet. But with only 330 Marines, the world could be cleared in days. It might be done within hours if the Marines can find any more of that power armor and some BFGs.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

 

5. Conquer all of Westeros and sit on the Iron Throne

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Photo: Flickr/Pat Loika)

Seriously, it’s been six seasons already. It’s time for the Marines to end the ongoing instability of Westeros and install a strong leader. Mattis would be a great king if he’s not interested in beasts and fishes, but there are certainly other Devil Dogs who could sit on the throne. Rob Riggle might do it.

6. Claim the Arctic circle for America, including the parts that are already property of other countries

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Photo: YouTube/BBC Newsbeat)

A race for resources has slowly gotten underway in the Arctic, and the 330 Marines in Norway could go ahead and take over the whole area. Since the Arctic circle is only 310 miles north of the Marines training area at Vaernes, Norway, it would actually be easier for them to head to the Arctic than for them to attempt an invasion of Russia.

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