7 things you'll never hear a Marine drill instructor say - We Are The Mighty
Humor

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Marine Corps boot camp is specially designed to mentally break down recruits before allowing them to earn the prestigious title of U.S. Marine.


When Marine hopefuls step on those famous yellow footprints during the receiving process, they need to be ready to have tons of information hurled at them.

Throughout their 13 weeks of training, recruits can expect to hear all manner of orders, insults, and jokes screamed at them.

Related: 9 things you’ll never hear your platoon sergeant say

However, it’s doubtful they will ever hear these words:

7. “Whenever you’re ready, gentlemen.”

Drill instructors aren’t patient or gentle with their recruits because they don’t have to be. In fact, if a recruit isn’t moving at “double-time” — they’re freakin’ wrong.

6. “If we are too mean, let us know and we’ll tone it down for you.” That’s not what the Marines are for?

That’s just not going to happen, really.

5. “If you can’t run three miles, it’s okay to quit after just one.”

Marines pride themselves on finishing every job. Instilling that no-fail mindset into young recruits is critical.

 

marines running
Lt. Col. David Bardorf and Sgt. Maj. Michael Rowan lead their battalion on a run during the annual battalion’s physical training session. (Photo from USMC)

 

4. “You are outstanding! I can’t wait to serve with you one day in a grunt unit.”

The U.S. Marine Corps is known for being the smallest branch. It’s rare that you’ll run into your senior drill instructor years down the line, but it happens. That being said, the recruit you are now isn’t the Marine they’ll want to serve beside later.

3. “I will never show you my knife-hand.” Marines learn love knife hands. Or Embrace them, at least.

You will see your DI’s knife-hand frequently and often.

Marine DI executing a knife hand
This DI executes a perfect knife-hand at a recruit rocking a glow belt. (Photo from USMC)

 

2. “Slow down. The war will wait for you.”

The war doesn’t wait and you should never slow down. If that’s not common sense to you now, it will be.

Also Read: 5 heroic movie acts a military officer would never do

1. “Don’t worry about learning your general orders because they’re useless.” Not in Marine hell.

General orders are a pain in the ass to memorize, but they’re burnt into your memory because they can save lives.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
U.S. Marine Corps Staff Sgt. Christopher J. Rebollar, a drill instructor with Company D, 1st Recruit Training Battalion, Recruit Training Regiment, corrects a recruit aboard Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, Calif., June 20, 2016. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Erick J. ClarosVillalta)

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Articles

13 funniest memes for the week of Oct. 28

Halloween is coming up, so we hope everyone has a great costume lined up, unlike most years when everyone just trades uniforms with a member of a different service for the night. Soldiers going as airmen, sailors going as Marines. It’s all cutting edge stuff.


Before you head into the housing areas to beg your first sergeants for candy, check out these 13 funny military memes:

1. Wait. Do airmen get only three shots?

(via Air Force Memes Humor)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Didn’t everyone have to do the walk of needles?

2. Well, at least you can apply that penny to the repair bill (via Military Memes).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Only a couple billion more pennies to go.

3.  Back to basics, Marines (via Marine Corps Memes).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Grab your powder horns.

ALSO READ: That time US soldiers pretended to be vampires and ghosts to scare the hell out of the enemy

4. “Meh. This is the next watch’s problem.” (via Coast Guard Memes)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Better write it up in the log, though.

5. Uh, Germany did this and got to stay Airborne (via Do You Even Airborne, Bro?).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
They did it a couple of times in one day.

6. Make your life decisions carefully, folks (via Military Memes).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Going to college starts to look a lot better after you’ve already enlisted.

7. When your tie-down job lasts longer than the trailer, truck, or load:

(via Team Non-Rec)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Good job, whoever did the loading. Driver, not so much.

8. Russia fields its new, rapidly deployable force:

(via Military Memes).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

9. Combat rock painter:

(via The Salty Soldier)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
There are some Army details that almost no one writes home about.

10. “A-10 a song” is the best (via Air Force Nation).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

11. Someone doesn’t appreciate the Air Force (via Coast Guard Memes).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
And some meme writer doesn’ love the Coast Guard much.

12. In his defense, there’s a solid chance that he’s faking it (via Military Memes).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
I know some people who might fake it in this situation.

13. When your vehicle recovery plan leaves something to be desired:

(via Military Memes).

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Maybe bring a wrecker with you next time.

Humor

7 life lessons we learned from ‘In The Army Now’

“Ace Ventura: Pet Detective,” “The Mask,” and “The Santa Clause” were just a few of the hilarious movies that rocked theaters back in 1994.


But for veterans, one comedy stands out from the rest: “In The Army Now” starring former MTV Veejay Pauly Shore. It’s not known for being the most authentic military film ever, but it’s pretty freaking funny.

Shore, who plays “Bones,” is a complete slacker/electronics salesman who gets fired from his job and joins the Army reserves with his buddy specializing in water purification.

After doing sh*t ton of push ups in boot camp for being a goofball, the Glendale reservist gets called to action as a conflict breaks out in the African nation of Chad.

Related: 5 nuggets of wisdom in ‘Three Kings’ you may have missed

Peel back the layers and check out a few life lessons from the film that may reshape how you see this cult classic.

1. How to keep your retail job when the boss wants to fire you

Step 1: Humorously tell your boss why you can’t get fired.

He’s a crazy boy. (Images via Giphy)Step 2: Have one of your closest friends page you by name over the intercom system strictly for customer service reasons.
“Bones to the service floor. Bones to the service floor.” (Images via Giphy)Step 3: Sell an expensive product right in front of your boss.
Sell that sh*t. (Images via Giphy)Just don’t get busted like our friend Bones here.
Busted. (Images via Giphy)

2. Everything sounds great in the beginning

Joining the military is a life changing event. You should take more than just a few minutes to decide on the huge commitment. Have a buddy go with you to the recruiter’s office to play devil’s advocate on your behalf.

Wait! Think this through now.  (Images via Giphy)

3. Embrace the new military you

Those who are blind heading into boot camp will be issued a pair BCGs. Let’s face it, you’re not going to get a date for Saturday night wearing them, but having a strong personality behind those thick frame glasses couldn’t hurt — you’ll stand out more.

Fashionable. (Images via Giphy)

4. Finish the fights you start

Don’t even think about dropping your guard or risk getting the sh*t kicked out of you.

He dropped his guard. (Images via Giphy)

5. Don’t piss off your fellow troops

They just may kidnap you, tie you up and put you on display.

You know that had to hurt. (Images via Giphy)

6. Mind over matter

Things always seem to appear worse than they are at times. Especially when someone thinks there’s a scorpion on their back. That’s just crazy talk.

Calm down. (Images via Giphy)There really was a scorpion on his back. Oops!
Oh, sh*t!  (Images via Giphy)

Also Read: 7 life lessons we learned from Gunny Highway in ‘Heartbreak Ridge’

7. Even the biggest slacker can become a hero

You can go from having an underappreciated job to winning a battle sooner than you think.

Bones saves the day. (Images via Giphy)What an amazing character arch.

Articles

Why a woman was convicted under a witchcraft law during World War II

Long before the United States was an independent nation, the people of the British Empire were constantly on guard for anything that might disrupt their way of life. This, in part, meant witches, and lots of them. Literally thousands of alleged witches were hunted down and executed under a series of witchcraft laws that made it nice and legal. 

Eventually, Parliament had to step in and say enough was enough. In 1735, it passed the Witchcraft Act that made it a crime for a person to claim that any human being had magical powers or was guilty of practicing witchcraft. Surprisingly, it worked in Britain and eventually people stopped invoking the law.

That doesn’t mean the law was no longer on the books. Almost 200 years later, a self-professed medium named Helen Duncan was convicted under the Witchcraft Act of 1735, amid fears that she might actually be able to divulge intelligence about upcoming operations of World War II. 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
If you weren’t expecting a “Monty Python” GIF, shame on you.

In November of 1941, Duncan held a seance in England where she claimed the ghost of a sailor aboard the HMS Barham visited her. The Barham was in the Mediterranean in 1941, fighting Axis ships attempting to cut off the resupply of the island of Malta. She was actually sunk off the coast of Egypt earlier that year. A German U-boat torpedoed the battleship, taking most of the crew down with it.

The problem was Helen Duncan wasn’t supposed to know that. The Royal Navy wouldn’t announce the sinking until 1942. The only people who were told were naval personnel and the families of those killed aboard the Barham. It caught the ears of naval intelligence, who decided to keep a close watch on Duncan the medium. 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Behold! The face of unspeakable evil! Or… maybe just fraud and opsec violations (Wikimedia Commons)

She was later arrested in January 1944 under the Witchcraft Act, an act that many believe happened because military leaders were concerned she might actually be able to talk to spirits. Some of her followers contended that superstitious military officers were afraid that, through her ghosts, she might be able to reveal the secret plans for Operation Overlord, the D-Day invasion of Nazi-occupied Europe.

That might have been the case, but the nail in the coffin for Helen Duncan did come in 1944. In January of that year, two Royal Navy officers attended one of Duncan’s seances. Duncan attempted to spook one of the men by “manifesting” first his deceased aunt, and then his deceased sister. The officer’s aunts and sisters were all still very much alive. 

He reported Duncan to the police, who raided one of Duncan’s later seances. They found a hat band from a sailor’s uniform supposedly manifested from the HMS Barham. But the medium’s lack of uniform regulations did her in. The hat bands of British sailors at the time only read “HMS” and not the name of the vessel on which they served. 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Apparently, people were actually buying this… (Harry Price/ “Leaves from a Psychist’s Case-Book” (Victor Gollancz Ltd, 1933)

Duncan was tried and convicted of claiming to perform fraudulent spiritual activity, defrauding people of their money and generally being a public nuisance. 

The real reason for Duncan’s arrest was likely the revelation of the sinking of the HMS Barham and her sources of information. Intelligence authorities weren’t worried about her getting information from ghosts, they were worried about the very real person from which she gained classified information. Most importantly, they were concerned about how she was spreading that information. 

Duncan was sentenced to nine months in jail. 

Feature image by Rafael Zajczewski from Pixabay

Humor

The 14 funniest memes for the week of Jan. 26

We started with a shutdown, some of us went to furlough, but we were all once again volunteers.


Now there’s nothing to worry about…

…except nuclear armageddon, an unending war, and Chelsea Manning running for Senate.

Cheer yourself up with some memes. These memes.

1. Before you get offended, we were all sh*t bags at some point.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Just relax. Breathe — as long as your profile says it’s okay.

2. We can’t have the world blowing up our phone.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
But a LOT of them will try. Along with our houses.

3. I got you, fam.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
As long as the mountains are blue.

Check out: What it’s like having a submarine crash into your ship

4. Must promote.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
If you’ve ever had MIDRATS, you know that 58-minute rice is a little crunchy.

5. Gonna fly now. (via Inkfidel)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Don’t miss the chance to be a contender.

6. “No one will take care of you like the Corps.”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Now polish the floors, boot.

Now read: 6 ways for a POG to be accepted by grunts

7. When you don’t give a sh*t about the Air Force in WWI. (via Air Force amn/nco/snco)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Also, you had a few drinks to relax the night before.

8. “Here’s your in-processing checklist”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Seriously though, the checklist explains everything.

9. Everything after basic training is a little fuzzy. (via Pop Smoke)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
I also didn’t drink during PT. Before, maybe, but not during.

Also: 4 ways to have fun with that Russian spy ship off the coast

10. The truth hurts pretty darn good.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Don’t forget where you came from.

11. What a joke.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
No one’s getting this medal.

12. No one kneels during this guitar riff.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Also, it’d take a lot more than the Royal Navy to capture the Hulkster.

13. The ultimate “do as I say, not as I do.” (via Decelerate Your Life)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Let them fight the war in Afghanistan, then. That sh*t will end in a hurry.

Of interest: 5 reasons you should know about the hardcore Selous Scouts

14. Prepare for zero likes. (via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Just f*ck me and tell me why you’re f*cking me, alright?

Humor

8 reasons why everyone knows you were in the military

It’s more than a Grunt Style t-shirt, those awful Oakleys, or an American flag ball cap — you know, the one with the IR patch on the front? People don’t need to hear you ask if there’s a veteran’s discount or relate everything back to how your old unit did things.

People can tell you were in the military — just by looking at you.


7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Zulu foxtrot.

8. The way you stand.

Some call it “command presence” while others call it “closed body language.” No matter what you call it, you stand there with your arms crossed, feet planted beneath your shoulders, and shoulders slightly hunched – you’re in a power stance: a military power stance. How better to show someone you’re frosty, collected, and listening to them than looking like you’re leaning on a pole without actually doing it.

You may have started the conversation with his hands on his hips, thumbs through belt loops.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

“Your party called ahead. What now, POG?”

7. You are always 15 minutes early to everything.

People will figure out that if you aren’t 15 minutes early, you consider yourself late. Especially since you’ll call them to let them know… meanwhile, they haven’t even left their house yet.

For civilians, this works out because you’ll always be at a restaurant to put the group on the waiting list for a table. They will use this to their full advantage.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

When you find out Yogurtland has froyo in Sea Salt Caramel.

6. You move fast.

It doesn’t matter if you actually have to be anywhere at a certain time, you move with a sense of urgency, a sense of purpose. You know that Pinkberry will still be there no matter when you arrive, but you still approach the cinnamon churro froyo like T-1000 chasing John Connor.

5. Your haircut.

This is a dead giveaway. Why would anyone on Earth willingly subject their head to the high and tight (or worse, the flattop) unless they were forced to keep it that way at some point? I’m pretty sure the coiffure equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome takes hold in TAPS class.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Like standing at parade rest for pizza.

4. You stand at parade rest for bizarre reasons.

Ever catch yourself staring out into the distance, perhaps over a lake at sunset, only to have an older guy tell you to “stop standing at parade rest for the goddamned lake, boot.” It’s a sign of respect for those above you and, after spending so long as an E-3, just a comfortable position to put yourself in.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Stand like you’re wearing a cavalry hat while meeting a foreign head of state.

3. Your ramrod-straight posture.

You stand tall. We all do. That’s not going to stop just because we stopped wearing a uniform.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

It’s like they drilled it into you or something.

2. You walk with coordinated arm swings.

Have you ever noticed yourself walking down the street with your right arm perfectly in sync with your left leg and vice versa? That’s not an accident. You had all those military marches and facing movements drilled into you. They’re going to hang around for a while.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

1. You eat so fast, people wonder if you ever taste food.

Appetizers, dinners, desserts — all gone in the blink of an eye. Wouldn’t it be great if you could slow down and enjoy the flavors of life? Well, you can’t. This is because you’re probably worried that, if you do, your stripper ex-wife will take that, too.

popular

Someone wrote a list of 65 ways civilians can simulate military life and it’s hilarious

Almost everyone gets email forwards from their family. In the days before social media, people emailed the jokes, memes, and urban legends that populate Facebook, Tumblr, and Pinterest today. These days, it’s mostly older people that stick to forwarding emails instead of sharing via social media.


Loved ones forward things to veterans wanting to know if something about the military or life in the military is true.

This one has been circulating around the internet for a while. Its origins are hard to trace, but the authors — whomever they may be — pinpointed some of the more bizarre aspects of military life by trying to find a civilian equivalent. It’s funny to look back at things military personnel and veterans accept as a part of life, no matter how strange it may seem from the outside looking in.

65 ways civilians can simulate military life:

1. Dig a big hole in your back yard and live in it for 30 days straight.

2. Go inside only to clean the house. On weekends, you can eat in the house, but you can’t talk.

3. Pour 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your hole, then shovel it out, stack sandbags around it and cover it with a sheet of old plywood.

4. Fill a backpack with 50 pounds of kitty litter. Never take it off outdoors. Jog everywhere you go.

5. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

6. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

7. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn the water pressure in your shower down to a trickle, then on Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn it up so hard it peels skin. On Saturdays and Sundays, declare to your entire family that they can’t use the shower in order to keep it clean for inspection.

8. Go inside and make your bed every morning. Have your wife tear the blankets off at random during the day. Re-make the bed each time until it is time to go back outside and sleep in your hole.

9. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout “Get up! Get up! You are moving too slow! Get down and do push-ups!”

10. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

11. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the bathroom door that says, “Unserviceable.”

12. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it’s ok for you to leave your house before 5pm.

13. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Have them all dig holes in your yard to live in. After 30 days, fill in the holes and wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home as you set out for a 25 mile walk and After-Action-Review.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

14. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

15. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

16. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes. Write down on a piece of paper everything you want the shop to fix the next time you bring the car in. Give your wife the list to throw away.

17. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours with the windows down before going anywhere. Tune the radio to static and monitor it while letting the car run. If it is cold outside, don’t run the heat. Sleep on the hood or roof of your car.

18. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not.

19. Repaint your entire house once a month. Paint white rings around all the trees in your neighborhood. Paint all curbs yellow. Paint all rocks red.

20. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

21. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
That government coffee.

22. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

23. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel when you are inside to eat. Tune the tint on the TV to green.

24. Avoid watching your green tinted TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

25. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
The barracks barber or the Exchange barber? Roll the dice.

26. Sew big pockets to the legs of your pants. Don’t use them.

27. Spend 2 weeks sleeping in holes in your neighbor’s lawns and call it a deployment.

28. Spend a year sleeping in holes in your local area and call it world travel.

29. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonald’s and NOT get promoted.

30. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

31. Blast heavy metal music on your stereo and conduct Ranger PT, grass drills, and sprints on your front lawn after your neighbors have gone to bed.

32. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their fighting positions. Don’t let them eat or sleep again for two days.

33. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

34. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don’t pay attention to the menu anymore so they just ask for hot dogs.

35. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

36. In the middle of January, place a gate at the end of your street. Have your family stand watches at the gate, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

37. Make your family live with you in your hole for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you’re going to take them to Disneyland for “block leave.” When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Individual Skill Certification, and that it will be another week before they can go back into the house.

38. In your hole (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (see para. 13), get the flu.

39. Sleep in a thicket of blackberries or rose bushes. Tie a string to your foot that runs to the house. Have your wife yank on the string about 3 hours after you go to sleep. Crawl out of the bushes and go to the house to see what she wants. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, “Just making sure you’re okay.”

40. Do not sleep from 1:00 a.m. Monday mornings until 3 p.m. Wednesday afternoons. Tie a branch around your neck and chew on sand to stay awake.

41. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, dig a trench into your hole so that it fills up with water. During the worst part of the storm, get out of your hole and go for a 12 mile walk.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
How you feel after that hike.

42. Don’t change your socks for a week. After they disintegrate off with pieces of your feet, put on an unbroken pair of new boots and go for a 12-mile walk.

43. For mechanized infantry or armor types: leave the lawn mower running next to your hole 24 hours a day. When you get an opportunity to sleep in your house, put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

44. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

45. Set up a port-a-potty in the corner of your yard. Once a week, have the service truck back into your yard and pump it out. Make sure the wind carries the smell into your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.

46. Every other month pull every single possession you own out of your house and line everything up on your lawn from smallest to largest, front to back. Count everything and write it down to file with your insurance company. Give your wife the list to throw away.

47. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

48. Buy a trash can, but don’t use it. Store the garbage in your hole.

49. Get up every night around midnight and stroll around your yard to “check the perimeter.”

50. Run the garden hose to your hole and turn it on. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. Jump up and get dressed as fast as you can. Run out into the backyard and get in your hole.

51. Once a month, take apart every major appliance in your home and put them back together again.

52. Build a scale model of your yard. Make your children draw sketches of it including little arrows indicating what they are going to do when they go out to play. Post these sketches on a bulletin board for reference.

53. Remove the insulation and widen the frames of your front and back doors so that no matter how tight you shut the door, the weather will still get inside.

54. Every so often, throw the cat in front of your hole and shout “Enemy in the wire! Fire Claymores!” Then run into the house cut off the circuit breaker. Yell at the wife and kids for violating security and not maintaining good noise and light discipline.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
You’ll never be squad leader with that attitude, Billy.

55. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go sit in your car. Say to no one in particular “Lost-One, this is Lost-Three, are you lost too, over?” Sit there for three or four hours with the engine running. Say again to no one in particular “Negative contact, Lost-Three out.” Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

56. Cook a gourmet meal then eat it in the middle of a McDonald’s play place.

57. Receive 500 gallons of purified water. Only eat snow.

58. Find out your house was built on an erosion point. Burn your house down. Build new one 3 feet away.

59. Buy 10 pairs of sunglasses for your neighbors to steal.

60. When you catch above mentioned neighbors, only blame the neighbors that just moved in.

61. Dig a new hole in your front yard for a bathroom next to your original hole. Only piss in Powerade bottles.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Home is where you dig it. (U.S. Marine Corps photo)

62. When above-mentioned hole is washed away, dig a new bathroom hole 6 inches from your fresh water supply.

63. Every 2 or 3 days take your closest not-so-close friends camping across the street.

64. Shower semi-annually.

65. Have your parents take away your allowance on weekends that were a part of your vacation.

Humor

The most unintentionally hilarious Rumsfeld ‘snowflake’ memos

When the first portion of the roughly 59,000 pages’ worth of Donald Rumsfeld’s memos were released after an almost seven-year-long legal battle under the Freedom of Information Act, people were eager to read them. The first 913 pages cover part of his time as the Secretary of Defense during 2001.


They were nicknamed “snowflakes” by his aides, as the pieces of paper would often have just a few sentences written them and would cover the Pentagon like a blizzard. It is completely understandable that former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was a busy man pre- and post-9/11, but his memos make him seem less like the Chief Executive Officer of the Armed Forces and more like Bill Lumbergh from Office Space.

While all 913 pages (well, 912 — page 262 is blank) of the snowflakes can be found here, we’ve taken the liberty to poke fun at what was sure to have given Pentagon staffers a headache.

1. He wanted a single piece of paper describing all the aircraft and ranking them by cost and “lethality”

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Obviously the BRRRRRRRT is number one. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

2. He thinks “Homeland Defense” sounds too German.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Homeland. Vaterland. Same thing, right? (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

3. He probably understood how sh*t of a campaign “Army of One” actually was

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
It really was a sh*t slogan. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

4. He wanted “food buttons” and was told they’re already in the works by the Sergeant Major of the Army

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Lucky… I want a food button… (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

5. He asked if the military had a policy on gambling. The article he was referencing is here.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
If the boss doesn’t know about the rule, does that mean we get a pass to gamble?(Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

6. He mentioned bringing up a test for soldiers to wear the black beret that was Army-wide on June 14th, 2001.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
There was one. They were called Ranger School or SF Selection. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

7. He wondered why the DoD protected the endangered wildlife native to military installations

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
You dare insult the 29 Palms Tortoise!?! Those creatures are… yeah. They’re pretty f*cking useless. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

8. He hates initials, acronyms, and words he doesn’t understand.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

 

9. He wondered why the Navy trains.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Yeah, Navy! What do you even do? …Oh? Lots? Oh, okay. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

10. He wanted an eye open for oil.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Well, conspiracy theorists, have fun with this one… (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

11. He couldn’t get the conference call to work properly.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Blame S-6. Everyone else does. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

12. He doesn’t like standing for interviews. He wants to lean forward.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Looks like somebody researched body language. BZ. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

13. He got really ticked off when one of his Generals showed up late.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

 

14. He wanted a list of good things and bad things. No context. Just lists.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Slow your roll, Petyr Baelish. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

15. He doesn’t have time to figure out time zones.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
12:55. But I mean, Google was only a thing for a few years at this point. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

16. He really wanted that dental appointment.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
At this point, he kind of seems like a passive-aggressive roommate. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

 

17. He had high hopes that the war on terrorism would end soon.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
That’s not even a bridge they’ll have to cross over 16 years and one month later. (Memo courtesy of the National Security Archive)

Articles

13 funniest military memes for the week of Sept. 1

Bravo Zulu to all of servicemen and women down in the areas affected by Hurricane Harvey. You guys are the light in this sh*tty moment. You deserve a beer.


Oh yeah… And there’s North Korea. There’s still the same douchebags screaming the same stupid rhetoric for the last 50 years.

#13: They also set up a canopy.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Popsmoke)

#12: It’s all fun and games until Uncle Sam’s Canoe Club came in.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Gruntworks)

#11: When and why did we stop using the phrase “BOHICA?”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme by We Are The Mighty)

#10: What? Did you think your enlistment was just about saving drunk boaters and going to festivals?

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Army as F*ck)

#9: “You think you and your boys were ride or die? My bros proved it.”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

#8: We get it, dude. Your “totally knocking out the drill if he got in your face” is the reason you didn’t enlist.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

#7: “You know what would cheer the single, lower enlisted troops up? An FRG Meeting.” -Said every CO ever.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Air Force AMN/NCO/SNCO)

#6: The alcohol makes up 75% of that sadness.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

#5: Remember – Scoring 181 or higher with at least 60 points in each event during the APFT is technically “exceeding the standard.”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

#4: Nothing works better than telling her that she’s better than a laptop in a 120° Porta-John.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Why I’m Not Re-Enlisting)

#3: Maybe if we send her more troops, she’ll forget we were eyeing another conflict.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via Weapons of Meme Destruction)

#2: If he completes his purpose, he’ll also cease to exist.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via US Army WTF Moments)

#1: You might be stacked, but do your medals go all the way to your pants?

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Meme via US Army WTF Moments)

Articles

5 reasons why your contract marriage wasn’t the worst thing ever

“I, Private Schmuckatelli, take you, whatever your name is, to be my lawfully wedded wife.”


Many service members (not mentioning any names) spoke these words right before a deployment to move out of the small studio-sized barracks most likely for the extra money every month.

This money comes from the Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). Implemented in January 1998 BAH pays housing expenses for service members to move off-base if the barracks are overcrowded or if a change in the member’s lifestyle warrants it (i.e., having a baby or getting married. After a certain pay grade, everyone receives BAH, but it is restricted in the lower ranks. That’s why some take the risk of a contract marriage.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Who here married a stripper to move out of the barracks? (images via Giphy)

Although contract marriages are frowned upon by the chain of command, it’s a well-known practice utilized by all ranks today. Capitalizing on this financial loophole could benefit your future (depending on the person with whom you join in court-approved matrimony).

Here are a few added bonuses to your contract marriage that you may have never noticed before.

1. Renter’s History  

Signing a lease with a rental company starts your “Renter’s History.” As long as you pay your rent on time, this keeps you in good standing with the rental bureaus. Young service members may not have the best credit, but having good rental history is a step in the right direction.

Your contract marriage could help prevent you from being homeless in the future.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
“I am serious and don’t call me, Shirley.”  (Paramount Pictures)

2. Learn to Budget

Although the medical benefits are valuable, they could throw a curveball and require more money every month than you planned. Checking to see how much a service member earns is simple: you can Google it. Waiting to get paid on the 1st and 15th of every month could feel like a freaking eternity without a budget.

A contract marriage probably didn’t make you a millionaire even if it made you feel that way after that first check. So learn to…

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Paramount/Dream Works,)

3. It Follows

Unfortunately, one crappy aspect of being in the military is how your command intervenes in your personal life. They like to know about everything and if you don’t tell them upfront, somehow they manage to find out.

If you plan on making the military a career, I advise against a contract marriage, especially when word gets out about your legally-binding “spouse” while you’re out hitting on every single person at the bar. Remember: it’s technically fraud, so good luck getting promoted.

People can often suck.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

4. Emotional Maturity

The average marrying age range in the civilian world is 25 to 27. However, in the military, the median falls at 22 – above legal drinking age, but not yet a mature adult. No one is condoning getting married for the benefits, but if you do and it doesn’t work out, you shouldn’t be surprised.

You were young, dumb and full of one bad idea after another. Your temporary spouse may not have been the perfect soulmate, but at least you narrowed it down.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

5. The Silver Lining

Looking back on it, would you do it again? Overall experiences will vary depending on if everything went to plan. The memories you have are what separates you as an individual and makes you unique. If it made you into a grumpy old man, then that sucks.

Take it for what it is. It’s always better to look toward the future than dwell in the past.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
“Beautifully put.” (New Line)                                                                                            

Humor

7 awesome weapon arsenals in the movies

No action movie is complete without having big explosions and high-powered automatic weapons that help the good guys save the day.


Now, not every story needs to have an epic scene where the heroes gear up just to show off their weapon inventory. But when they do, the nostalgia of seeing them enter into a weapons vault sends chills down the audience’s spine.

Related: This is why silencers actually make your infantry weapon better

So check out our list of awesome weapon arsenals we’ve seen in the movies:

1. The Matrix

Although this takes place in the digital world, its endless variety of weapons will get any firearm collector’s mouth watering.

Damn, kid! (Images via Giphy)

2. The Boondock Saints

When you’re fighting crime in Boston, you need to have a weapon arsenal that can handle the load. They seem to have it.

Gun, guns, and more guns. (Image via Giphy)

3. Hot Fuzz

After a motivated cop relocates to a dull town where a murder hasn’t been committed in over 20-years, he’s bound to uncover something. But when he stumbles upon the town’s dark secret, he uses some big guns from the fully stocked arsenal to save the day.

A jaw dropping weapon arsenal. (Image via Giphy)

4. G.I. Joe: Retaliation

When the G.I. Joes take the fight to their arch nemesis known as Cobra, small pistols just aren’t sufficient enough to win the battle. They turn to General Joe Colton (Bruce Willis) for his expertise and his brilliant combative setup.

I hope he lives alone. (Image via Giphy)

5. Mr. Smith’s

When the worlds greatest male assassin finds out his wife is the world’s greatest female assassin it’s time to break out the big guns — and kill her.

Over kill? (Image via Giphy)

Also Read: 7 female TV detectives who’d make badass drill instructors

6. Mrs. Smith’s

When the worlds greatest female assassin finds out her husband is the world’s greatest male assassin it’s time to break out the big guns — and kill him.

Not the best place to hide an arsenal, but it’s still badass. (Image via Giphy)We’re starting to think they might not be the best assassins after all.

7. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Taking down a huge corporation like Skynet while fighting an indestructible T-1000 is not easy. Luckily the good guys found a weapons vault in the middle of the desert.

Oh, yeah! (Image via Giphy)

Bonus: Tremors

Fighting off big a** worms requires some pretty large caliber weapons and tons of bad acting.

How do movies like this get the greenlight? (Image via Giphy)Can you think of any others? Comment below.
Articles

The new SECARMY is killing it with sea turtles, pushups, and Nicki Minaj

Secretary of the Army Eric Fanning has a lot of work ahead of him. Keeping the Army strong enough to counter threats from Russia, China, and international terrorism while facing constant budget questions is tough.


Only time will tell if he can rise to the challenge. If nothing else, though, he will definitely leave his mark on the Twittersphere because he is already killing it there.

Fanning was confirmed on May 17, 2016. Since then, he’s Tweeted a Star Wars GIF to show love for baseball:

… and an “Across the Universe” GIF to talk about Fort Jackson drill sergeants turning citizens into Soldiers:

Of course, it’s not all movies with the new SECARMY. He was scheduled to visit soldiers training in Anakonda 16 during the 241st Army Birthday and tweeted a clip of Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” video to let them know he was coming to Torun, Poland to make sure they were working out:

That turned into a Twitter exchange where he challenged a German general to one-handed pushups (via a GIF of “Kung Fu Panda,” because of course he used “Kung Fu Panda”) and 16th Sustainment Brigade soldiers responded with a video of 0-handed pushups:

While he was in Poland, he visited those same troops and worked out with them, then tweeted a photo of it:

Finally, while Fanning was working out with the troops, the Secretary of the Navy tweeted a happy birthday message to America’s oldest military branch. The Fanning responded with an awesome sea turtle, giving a nod to the sea service and “The Little Mermaid” in the process:

Fanning is going to face a lot of leadership challenges during his tenure as secretary. He’s already had to offer leadership and condolences as Fort Hood lost nine soldiers killed when their truck overturned in floodwaters and the Army Reserve lost a captain in the attack at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando.

But while he can’t be physically present every time a soldier is in danger or needs comfort, he can help keep morale up by ensuring troops know that someone smart and capable has their back in Washington D.C. If he can run the beltway half as well as he runs his Twitter feed, then the Army should be okay.

Humor

11 military memes that will wow you

Service members from all ranks experience some crazy things during their time in uniform. From taking on the bad guys in a firefight to surviving some crazy accidents that most civilians couldn’t stomach — it’s all just part of the job.

We embrace the suck and, in the process, develop a unique sense of humor that’s not for everyone. For us, laughing at the crazy events of our daily life in service makes us stronger and helps us to push through the next dangerous mission with smiles on our faces.

When we tell people the true stories of what we’ve seen and done, the average man or woman lets out an exasperated “wow.”

These memes have the same effect:


7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Via popsmoke

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
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