7 things you'll never hear a Marine drill instructor say - We Are The Mighty
Humor

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Marine Corps boot camp is specially designed to mentally break down recruits before allowing them to earn the prestigious title of U.S. Marine.


When Marine hopefuls step on those famous yellow footprints during the receiving process, they need to be ready to have tons of information hurled at them.

Throughout their 13 weeks of training, recruits can expect to hear all manner of orders, insults, and jokes screamed at them.

Related: 9 things you’ll never hear your platoon sergeant say

However, it’s doubtful they will ever hear these words:

7. “Whenever you’re ready, gentlemen.”

Drill instructors aren’t patient or gentle with their recruits because they don’t have to be. In fact, if a recruit isn’t moving at “double-time” — they’re freakin’ wrong.

6. “If we are too mean, let us know and we’ll tone it down for you.” That’s not what the Marines are for?

That’s just not going to happen, really.

5. “If you can’t run three miles, it’s okay to quit after just one.”

Marines pride themselves on finishing every job. Instilling that no-fail mindset into young recruits is critical.

 

marines running
Lt. Col. David Bardorf and Sgt. Maj. Michael Rowan lead their battalion on a run during the annual battalion’s physical training session. (Photo from USMC)

 

4. “You are outstanding! I can’t wait to serve with you one day in a grunt unit.”

The U.S. Marine Corps is known for being the smallest branch. It’s rare that you’ll run into your senior drill instructor years down the line, but it happens. That being said, the recruit you are now isn’t the Marine they’ll want to serve beside later.

3. “I will never show you my knife-hand.” Marines learn love knife hands. Or Embrace them, at least.

You will see your DI’s knife-hand frequently and often.

Marine DI executing a knife hand
This DI executes a perfect knife-hand at a recruit rocking a glow belt. (Photo from USMC)

 

2. “Slow down. The war will wait for you.”

The war doesn’t wait and you should never slow down. If that’s not common sense to you now, it will be.

Also Read: 5 heroic movie acts a military officer would never do

1. “Don’t worry about learning your general orders because they’re useless.” Not in Marine hell.

General orders are a pain in the ass to memorize, but they’re burnt into your memory because they can save lives.

 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
U.S. Marine Corps Staff Sgt. Christopher J. Rebollar, a drill instructor with Company D, 1st Recruit Training Battalion, Recruit Training Regiment, corrects a recruit aboard Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, Calif., June 20, 2016. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Erick J. ClarosVillalta)

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

Humor

How to make great 10-cent ramen while living in the barracks

In most parts of America, Top Ramen is considered a last-resort food consumed by college kids, recently divorced dads, and drunk people. It doesn’t have to be this way. Top Ramen has potential — it’s a diamond in the rough — and it’s up to you to showcase just how delicious this peasant food can be.


Related: How certain MRE items become cash money to a service member

So, check out how to make the best Ramen coming from an eight-year Marine veteran-turned-chef.

Here are the tools you’ll need to make the perfect Top Ramen dish on a budget

  • 2-quart saucepan
  • Wooden cooking spoon
  • Stove

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
All the ingredients you’ll ever need. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Ingredients

  • 1 package of cheap Top Ramen with flavor pack
  • 2 cups water
  • 1 tbsp Soy Sauce
  • 1 tbsp Ponzu
  • 1 tbsp black bean chili paste
  • 2 tsp ground ginger
  • 2 tsp ground lemongrass
  • 1 lime
  • 1 bunch fresh cilantro
  • 1 egg
  • 1 slice of American or pepper-jack cheese

Step 1. Make broth.

Add all liquid ingredients along with the ground ginger, lemongrass, and provided flavor pack into the saucepan. Place on a stove at high heat and stir with a wooden spoon until everything is dissolved.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
The best Ramen broth ever! (Image from Sean Dodds)

Step 2. Bring to a boil.

Bring the liquid to a boil, stirring often with your wooden spoon.

Step 3. Prep the garnish.

As the broth slowly approaches a boil, chop up the cilantro. Cut the lime into a few wedges.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Choppin’ up the herbs. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Step 4. Add the noodles.

Once the broth is boiling, add the noodles and stir until it boils again. Then, reduce to a simmer and let cook for 5 minutes.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Drop it like it’s hot. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Also Read: 6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

Step 5. Add some cheese and the egg.

As the ramen simmers, add the cheese and egg while stirring to scramble the egg in the pot. The cheese will melt and the egg will cook, just be sure to keep stirring until both are distributed evenly.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Don’t get any shell in there. (Image from Sean Dodds)

Step 6. Serve and garnish.

Bowl up your ramen, add 2 tbsp of chopped cilantro, squeeze the lime wedge over your bowl of greatness, and enjoy.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Enjoy! (Image from Sean Dodds)

What are your favorite ramen recipes?

Humor

4 unusual tasks Corpsman do that their recruiters left out

When men and women around the globe enlist in the Navy with a contract to become Corpsmen, it’s a pretty good feeling.


Good recruiters can make chipping paint and shining brass sound bad ass (“think of the adventure!”), but let’s be honest: they have quotas to fill each month, people.

For the most part, they’ll tell you the truth about what will be asked of you while you serve, but there are some details that don’t make it into the recruiting pamphlets.

As a “Doc,” you’ll get to work alongside and assist Doctors, nurses, and IDCs (Independent Duty Corpsmen), gaining knowledge from them to support your career moving forward; but that’s not all you’ll have to do.

Check out these unusual tasks Corpsmen never saw coming.

Also read: 6 tips to get a ‘sick in quarters’ chit in the military

1. The silver bullet

Probably the most popular slang “medical” term in any branch. Typically, temperature is taken orally, but if someone falls out of a hike or PT because of heat exhaustion…standby for the bullet.

Feared by all

2. Having sick call in your barracks room

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
And the day after that and the day after that… (Image via giphy and Simpsons World).

When Corpsmen get stationed with the Marines (also known as the Greenside), you typically live with them in the barracks. This also means a lot of your medical gear is right there in the room with you.

If your Marines love you, which most of them do, they tend to show up at your barracks door at 0400 for an I.V. treatment to “rehydrate” them an hour before mandatory PT.

The B.A.S. or Battalion Aid Station isn’t open on nights, weekends, or early mornings — just normal office hours.

3. Bore punching

Working sick call as a boot Corpsman, you’ll get exposed to some interesting on-job-training. Bore punching is a euphemism for swabbing male genitals for an STD with a 6 inch Q-tip. Yup! Right down the pee hole.

If your Chief or Lieutenant are “too busy” and they say you need to do it for a patient — you need to do it.

Welcome to the Navy, baby!

4. Finger waving

No, this isn’t the newest break dancing move or a classy way to hit on someone at the bar — it’s the alternative name for a rectal exam. It is shocking what the Navy allows Corpsman to do after only 12-16 weeks of training.

Don’t forget the lube! Can you think of any more? Comment below. And don’t forget to include all the slang terms for Corpsmen.
Humor

Top 10 ‘Terminal Lance’ comics from 2017

There are definitely differences between the branches of the military, which allow for healthy rivalries, but at the end of the day, serving in the military is a mindf*ck we all endured gives troops common ground based on similar experiences. That’s why you don’t have to be a Marine to appreciate the wry and insightful humor of Terminal Lance.


Created by Lance Corporal Maximilian Uriarte, Terminal Lance “pokes fun at the Marine Corps” from a grunt’s point of view. He focuses on his own experiences and observations from his time in the Marines, but vets from any branch can relate to the scenarios depicted (think getting ripped apart by your command, how a reveille wake-up call feels, or being hungover at morning PT).

And it’s spot on.

(Although every now and again, they fly right over this airman’s head. Please never tell me if you guys kill turtles at Twentynine Palms…)

Without further ado, here are my ten favorites from 2017:

10. “Fly Hard”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

I can’t get enough sky dick. Thank you for keeping it alive, Max.

9. “Secret Weapon”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Mattis, you’re our only hope.

8. “Permanent Changes”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Recruiters never really tell you that you could end up stationed in a sh*thole for four years, but there are ways around it.

7. “The Babysitter’s Club II”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

I was undoubtedly that officer. #sorrynotsorry

6. “Throwback Thursday”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Come on, America. We can do better.

5. “Happy Easter 2017”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

I just want “Wagner Loves the Cock. Stay Woke.” on a t-shirt.

4. “New Joins”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Time to go full metal b*tch on that Blue Ribbon…

3. “Grass Week” 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

“Soon” made me lol, but this is funny because it’s so true. We were doing Soviet-defense training when we should have been concentrating on guerrilla tactics and asymmetrical warfare and it always pissed me right off.

Whew! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

2. “You’re a Mean One II” 

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Too many military leaders are dead inside. This one hurts.

1. “Drill Instructor Academy”

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Drill instructors made me laugh — and then I got in trouble for laughing and they’d say more funny sh*t and I’d laugh and get in trouble and it went on like that until I graduated. I don’t know how they come up with the insane vitriol that they do, but I love it and I commend them.

Especially you, Technical Sergeant Gamble… wherever you are…

Check out Terminal Lance (if you somehow haven’t already?) — you can start right here with one of Max’s all-time favorites.

Let me know your favorites in the comments.

Articles

7 reasons why R. Lee Ermey should voice act every video game

R. Lee Ermey is perhaps the most iconic Marine turned actor, notably for his vile-mouthed, brutal-yet-realistic portrayal of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman in Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket.”


If his Drill Instructor stare doesn’t whip you into a hardened killing machine in his live action roles, his voice alone will make you unf-ck yourself and stand at the “Gaht-Dayum” position of attention.

The raw power of his voice has been featured on everything from “The Simpsons” and “SpongeBob” to “Call of Duty” and “Crash Bandicoot.” Nearly everything The Gunny puts his talents into turns to gold.

His voice acting would elevate your gaming experience and make playing them so much better. Here is why.

1. You will get things done

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Hey! Listen here, scumbag! (Via Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D)

There’s hardly any video game character more annoying than Legend of Zelda’s Navi.

The Great Deku Tree senses evil approaching Hyrule. Instead of waking up to the annoying sound of: “The Great Deku Tree asked me to be your partner from now on. Nice to meet you,” imagine if you heard banging on a trash can and The Gunny shouting “On your feet, maggot! Reveille!”

Hyrule would be saved faster than you can say “Ooorah.”

2. You will try much harder

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Do you even praise the Corps? (Via Dark Souls III)

One of the most critically acclaimed video games of recent history is Dark Souls III; and it’s praised for intense level of difficulty.

You rest beside the bonfire before making your way back to fight the Lords of Cinder. You think you’ve finally gotten good enough to make it to the next bonfire. But then you stupidly roll off the cliff.

The sting of hearing “Any f-cking time, sweetheart” would hurt far more than reading “You Died.”

3. You will be over-powered in multiplayer

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
You will not die without permission (Via Overwatch)

It’s been proven that psychology can have an effect in online play. If the rumors of Terry Crews voice acting Overwatch’s Doomfist holds weight, the only way you can balance that out would be to make Gunny a playable character.

His ultimate ability would have to be his knife-hands.

4. You will be far more terrified

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
You listen to me and you listen to me good. I want that weapon. And I want it now. (Via Resident Evil 7)

What’s more terrifying than realizing that no amount of bullets will work on Resident Evil 7‘s Jack when you fight in the garage? That moment you realize that the Drill Instructor is in your face for something, you know you did wrong.

May God have mercy on your soul, for he will not.

5. You will not make the same mistake twice

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Your princess is in another castle, numbnuts! (Via Super Mario Bros.)

His voice would have worked in classic gaming with Super Mario Bros. as well. You fight your way through until you reach World 1-4. You think you’ve got this. You’ve beaten Goombas, Koopas, and even stopped Bowser.

Guess what? you just wasted everyone’s time by going to the wrong castle! Now get out there and get the right d-mn one!

6. You will learn every aspect of the game

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Outstanding, Private FidgetSwagger420. We finally found something you do well. (Via Counter Strike: Global Offensive)

If you expect to play online, it isn’t your weapon but a hard heart and your skill that kills. If your killer instinct is not clean and strong, you will lag at the moment of truth. You will learn from Gunny. Gunny will teach you to hone your skills and be a true killing machine.

7. Best of all, it will be authentic.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

In all seriousness though, the level of authenticity would rise with the inclusion of R. Lee Ermey into any game that has anything to do with war. Think of how real “Full Metal Jacket was because he took over the role of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman. This will happen to any game he’s included in.

Watch the video below of R. Lee Ermey getting into the booth for “Call of Duty: Ghosts.” 

(Call of Duty, YouTube)
Humor

11 hilarious Navy memes that are freaking spot on

In the military, we love to crack jokes at every branch’s expense — even our own. The comedic rivalry is real as it gets, but it’s always in good fun.


So, let’s use these memes to create as many humorous wounds as possible.

Related: 11 memes that perfectly capture life as a commo guy

1. When your level of saltiness is off the f*cking charts

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
We bet he’s got stories for days.

2. Old-school sailors have the best freaking stories about fist fights, drinking, and women — not necessarily in that order.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

3. Just when you thought Navy ships couldn’t get any more hardcore, they go and do this.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
If you think this is impressive, wait until you see what gun they fire on Sunday.

4. The level of his “boot” has officially gone overboard.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
$10 says he’ll get out after his first enlistment.

Also Read: 11 memes that are way too real for every Corpsman

5. This is what your recruiter conveniently left out of their pitch

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
You can’t win a war without a clean weatherdeck.

6. Every sailor’s career has a different origin story

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
At this rate, he’ll be a Rear Admiral (Upper Half) in no time.

7. You might want to head the restroom afterward and check your trousers for brown eggs

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Boot stress level: over 9000. (via navymemes.com)

8. The only thing that a hardworking sailor wants is to get off work on time and drink a beer.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

More: 11 Air Force memes that will make you laugh for hours

9. You can piss off a lot of people without repercussions, but a chief is not one of them.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Hide for as long as you can.

10. Lies, lies, and more lies… Okay, it’s kind of true.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Experiences may vary.

11. No one can ever outdo this dick joke. This aircrew won.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Image via Pop smoke)

Humor

7 unofficial rules that the E4 Mafia lives by

Control over the unit is spread between the NCOs and officers. In theory, these guys run the show. In practice, however, much of the work is delegated down to the lowest level. This is where the specialists, senior airmen, seamen, and lance corporals come in.

The highest rank among junior enlisted is left in an awesomely weird predicament in which they can shuffle work to the privates, satisfy requirements from higher up the chain, and then relax for the rest of the day. This is called the E-4 Mafia or Lance Corporal Underground.


But even those in these unofficial unions have a few bylaws that they must never break. Here’re a few of the rules that the Mafia/LCpl Underground are willing to admit:

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

For the most part, this book is one long essay on never volunteering for sh*t.

(Meme via Grunt Style)

See nothing, say nothing

The very first and most important law of the E4 Mafia is this: Plausible deniability is your best friend. These simple words can be used in almost every situation.

In the military, if you see someone doing something against regulations, you’re supposed to say something. But are you really going to call out your bros for putting their hands in their pockets when it’s cold outside? Hell no.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Because if you show a little bit of effort, that’s where the bar will be set for you.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics

At first glance, it may seem odd that Sadi Carnot, a 19th-century French physicist, would have much to do with a bunch of slackers. As he once famously said, “total entropy of an isolated system can never decrease over time.” In layman’s terms, this basically means, “controlled chaos will always take the path of least resistance.”

If you ever ask a lance corporal to do anything, they will half-ass it and tell you that the task is complete. It’s science, really.

Always play the “Shaggy Defense”

This defense is named after a famous lance-corporal-turned-musician who was caught in an unpleasant situation. When confronted with the nasty allegations and irrefutable evidence, he simply kept repeating the Lance Corporal Underground mantra of, “it wasn’t me.”

If there’s evidence that something happened, but not enough to pin it on you, enthusiastically deny it.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

(Meme via LCpl Underground)

When in doubt, skate out

Unless you’re sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that an incoming task will be fun, don’t agree to do anything that comes down the chain of command.

If the first sergeant calls for four volunteers, don’t ever ask, “for what?” Expressing interest is, essentially, as binding as a signature.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

This is how you raise the bar. Take note, PFCs.

(Meme via US Army WTF Moments)

If you look right, you are right

The military is a very busy system. Despite all of the hurrying-up-and-waiting that happens, everyone is constantly on the move.

All you need to do to get away with nearly anything is put some effort toward appearing like you’re squared away. Rarely will anyone take the time to make sure you’re actually doing things right.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

The Mafia/Underground has been around since before anyone currently enlisted. That means that every Senior NCO was once a member.

Never forget where you came from

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re going with your career. Your buddies who tell you that they’re ride-or-die really mean it — you should keep the same promise.

If you happen to get promoted out of the Mafia or Underground, don’t forget that your guys are still your guys. You may have more responsibilities now and you may have to make them work. That’s understandable. However, don’t think — not even for a single second — about turning into the NCO that stabs every single one of their former friends in the back.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

Blue Falcon-ing is a crime punishable by disassociation

There are three people that will always garner hatred from the E-4 Mafia: Jodie, the good-idea fairy, and the blue falcon.

If you ever dare to buddy-f*ck one of your fellow mafiosos, don’t expect them to have your back.

Articles

5 reasons why your contract marriage wasn’t the worst thing ever

“I, Private Schmuckatelli, take you, whatever your name is, to be my lawfully wedded wife.”


Many service members (not mentioning any names) spoke these words right before a deployment to move out of the small studio-sized barracks most likely for the extra money every month.

This money comes from the Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH). Implemented in January 1998 BAH pays housing expenses for service members to move off-base if the barracks are overcrowded or if a change in the member’s lifestyle warrants it (i.e., having a baby or getting married. After a certain pay grade, everyone receives BAH, but it is restricted in the lower ranks. That’s why some take the risk of a contract marriage.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Who here married a stripper to move out of the barracks? (images via Giphy)

Although contract marriages are frowned upon by the chain of command, it’s a well-known practice utilized by all ranks today. Capitalizing on this financial loophole could benefit your future (depending on the person with whom you join in court-approved matrimony).

Here are a few added bonuses to your contract marriage that you may have never noticed before.

1. Renter’s History  

Signing a lease with a rental company starts your “Renter’s History.” As long as you pay your rent on time, this keeps you in good standing with the rental bureaus. Young service members may not have the best credit, but having good rental history is a step in the right direction.

Your contract marriage could help prevent you from being homeless in the future.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
“I am serious and don’t call me, Shirley.”  (Paramount Pictures)

2. Learn to Budget

Although the medical benefits are valuable, they could throw a curveball and require more money every month than you planned. Checking to see how much a service member earns is simple: you can Google it. Waiting to get paid on the 1st and 15th of every month could feel like a freaking eternity without a budget.

A contract marriage probably didn’t make you a millionaire even if it made you feel that way after that first check. So learn to…

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Paramount/Dream Works,)

3. It Follows

Unfortunately, one crappy aspect of being in the military is how your command intervenes in your personal life. They like to know about everything and if you don’t tell them upfront, somehow they manage to find out.

If you plan on making the military a career, I advise against a contract marriage, especially when word gets out about your legally-binding “spouse” while you’re out hitting on every single person at the bar. Remember: it’s technically fraud, so good luck getting promoted.

People can often suck.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

4. Emotional Maturity

The average marrying age range in the civilian world is 25 to 27. However, in the military, the median falls at 22 – above legal drinking age, but not yet a mature adult. No one is condoning getting married for the benefits, but if you do and it doesn’t work out, you shouldn’t be surprised.

You were young, dumb and full of one bad idea after another. Your temporary spouse may not have been the perfect soulmate, but at least you narrowed it down.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

5. The Silver Lining

Looking back on it, would you do it again? Overall experiences will vary depending on if everything went to plan. The memories you have are what separates you as an individual and makes you unique. If it made you into a grumpy old man, then that sucks.

Take it for what it is. It’s always better to look toward the future than dwell in the past.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
“Beautifully put.” (New Line)                                                                                            

Humor

6 ways to make money while living in the barracks

If there’s one common complaint among members of the United States Armed Forces (aka the best people in the world), it’s that the pay sucks. When getting paid less than minimum wage grows old (and it does, fast), a servicemember might be inclined to find a way to supplement their income.


So, we asked what a few veterans what they did to fill in the financial gap.

Related: 5 ways to skate in Marine Corps boot camp

6. Taking someone’s barracks duty

When the duty roster hits, there’s always a few people who get screwed out of something. Taking someone’s duty is a great service — one that others just might be willing to pay for. Given how unfavorable of a job it is, the competition is low. You could make a killing by taking someone else’s duty.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
The duty has no friends, though. (Image via Rod Keller YouTube)

5. Doing another servicemember’s taxes

There are plenty of people living in the barracks who feel like doing their taxes take up valuable drinking time — all you need to do is plug in their W-2 information and charge a few bones for your services.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

4. Fixing other troops’ cars

Given how much some local auto shops charge, it’s usually much cheaper and more convenient to consult with one of the many barracks grease monkeys.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Image via Marines.mil)

3. Becoming a tattoo artist

Military service and tattoos go hand-in-hand, like peanut butter and jelly or grunts and rain. If you’ve got the skill, equipment, and you don’t mind the carpal tunnel, this option may be for you.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Hopefully, this isn’t the kind of tattoo you get (or give) at the barracks (Image via Warner Brother’s We’re the Millers)

2. Make some of that “good-good”

This one is a bit out there, but times can get tough and not everyone has the talent for pole dancing, so they might turn to becoming their barracks’ own Walter White or Tony Montana.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
When your normal military pay doesn’t cut it and you need to pay off that Mustang at 30% APR (Image from AMC’s Breaking Bad)

[Editor’s Note: We are absolutely not suggesting you actually open a drug lab. Come on. You’re smarter than that — we hope.]

Also Read: 5 reasons why Luke Skywalker was operator AF

1. Giving others barracks haircuts

This one is definitely the most popular and it’s not very hard to do. Just get a set of clippers, watch a YouTube tutorial, and, even with all the competition, this one is guaranteed to rake in the cash.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
(Image via Marines.mil)

What are some crazy businesses you’ve seen in the military?

Humor

5 things you should know before diving into a ‘contract marriage’

Scenario #1: A young service member walks into their newly assigned barracks room and notices how nasty it is. And on top of that, they have to share the small space with two or three other people that may or may not be very clean. The struggle is real.


Scenario #2: A service member may just have received orders to go on a 13-month deployment wants to make some cash while they’re gone.

Both of these very real circumstances of military life can be strong motivators for troops to tie the knot — and not for love.

Make money, money, money! (images via Giphy

Often called a “contract marriage,” these pairings are purely for monetary gain or medical benefits. No one is suggesting you do this versus saving your money or getting a second job if your command allows, but if you do it, keep these very important things in mind.

Related: 7 ways to surprise your spouses when they return from deployment

1. He/she can turn you in

Your contract husband or wife can blow the whistle on your verbal agreement without repercussions. So you’d better keep them happy.

Oh, sh*t! Busted. (images via Giphy)

2. Adultery is illegal

In the eyes of the military, you’re legally married (imagine that). So if you get caught engaging adult activites with anyone other than your spouse, you’re on the hook sailor.

Preach! (images via Giphy)

3. If she gets pregnant by you or someone else…

You better lawyer up, get divorced or decide to take care of the little rascal to keep the added benefits. That is all.

 You don’t want your name on that birth certificate. (images via Giphy)  

4. Separation pay

In some cases, if you play your cards right, you might be eligible for separation pay.

Separation pay is when your spouse “lives” in another area for one legitimate reason or another. Think about it. (images via Giphy)

Also Read: 7 ways to prove your spouse is really a spy

5. Repayment

If you do get a divorce, the military typically won’t stop the extra pay right away. So don’t go spending all that extra cash too fast. The government will take back every cent from your paycheck until they recoup what’s theirs.

The answer is, yes. (images via Giphy)You’re welcome America!

Humor

That time JFK promised to save Santa from the Soviets

A young girl in Marine City, Mich. overheard her parents talking about Soviet aggression in the Arctic. She didn’t entirely understand what they were talking about, but her parents saying the Russians might test nuclear bombs at the North Pole was cause for concern.


What could she do, except warn the President of the United States?

It was 1961, the height of the Cold War. The very next year would prove to be the biggest test of then-President John F. Kennedy’s mettle against his Soviet adversaries — the Cuban Missile Crisis, but that was months away.

At that moment, however, 8-year-old Michelle Rochon was worried about Santa Claus and his workshop. And she wanted to make certain President Kennedy would do something about the Soviet aggression toward the world’s jolliest elf.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Even if he had to go handle it personally.

“I knew nuclear bombs were bad. And if they were testing them at the North Pole, what was Santa going to do?” said Michelle in a phone interview with CBC News. “I just automatically thought I have to write [the President] and maybe he can do something about it.”

Her letter read:

Dear Mr. Kennedy,

 

Please stop the Russians from bombing the North Pole because they will kill Santa Claus.

I am 8 years old. I am in the third grade at Holy Cross School.

 

Yours truly,

Michelle Rochon.

She put the letter in the mailbox, addressed only to “President Kennedy, Washington, D.C.”

To her surprise, the President not only received the letter, but published a photo of him reading it. Her letter became nationwide news. And then, a few weeks later, a letter on White House stationery came in the mail for young Michelle.

(JFK Library | YouTube)

In case you don’t want to watch the video, this was the President’s reply:

Dear Michelle,

 

I was glad to get your letter about trying to stop the Russians from bombing the North Pole and risking the life of Santa Claus.

I share your concern about the atmospheric testing of the Soviet Union, not only for the North Pole but for countries throughout the world; not only for Santa Claus but for people throughout the world.

However, you must not worry about Santa Claus. I talked with him yesterday and he is fine. He will be making his rounds again this Christmas.

 

Sincerely,

John Kennedy

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Getting a reply from the President made her national news again.

Little Michelle was elated.

“All I understood was that he talked to Santa Claus and he was fine and he’d be coming around this Christmas,” she said. “President Kennedy said so. So, everything was good.”

Articles

This is why every British armored vehicle has tea-making gear

Tea has been an essential element of British culture for centuries, so it makes total sense that the British feature a tea kettle in the designs for their armored vehicles.


7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Americans are still on the fence about tea. Old grudges die hard.

Since developing the 1950s-era Centurion Tank, UK-designed armored vehicles have featured a boiling-cooking apparatus, nominally designed for tea.

Also Read: The Centurion Tank was tough enough to survive an atomic blast

The reason for this nod to British tradition is actually much more pragmatic than just making teatime. Tommy tankers fighting in WWII France would leave their armored vehicles to brew tea by the side of the road.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
And trust me. That takes some time. (Author’s photo)

It might be a little hard to make a proper thrust through the enemy-held hedgerows when most of your tankers stop to have a spot of proper British tea by the roadside at certain times of day. Not to mention the fact that the area was full of Nazis, bent on throwing English tankers back in their Channel.

This all came to a head on D-Day+6, when the British 22d Armored Brigade stopped outside Caen for morning tea, all the time being eyed by four hastily-assembled German Tigers.

War Is Boring’s pathos-filled account describes the tea party that ended with the British losing 14 tanks, nine half-tracks, four gun carriers and two anti-tank guns in 15 minutes.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say

A study done after the war found that 37 percent of all armor unit casualties occurred when the crew member was outside of the vehicle.

They won’t make that mistake again. The water boiler and ration heater in modern British tanks is a pretty nifty innovation. It guarantees access to hot food and water and keeps troops safely inside their armor.

7 things you’ll never hear a Marine drill instructor say
Unfortunately, they still have to eat British food, like the boiled pizza featured here.

A good idea, is a good idea, is a good idea — and the boiling vessel is a good idea. Whatever keeps tank crews inside their tanks is probably for the best.

Articles

5 heroic movie acts a military officer would never do

Hollywood loves to use the military in its movies. You can’t blame Tinsel Town because they’re awesome. But on occasion, film directors and screenwriters tend not to identify the fine line between theatrical and practical.


Americans thrive on celebrating the actions of a war hero that saves the day (in slow motion of course) with the perfect Hans Zimmer underscore playing over the calibrated speakers. It’s emotionally driving.

Veterans can see through the bulls*** and know when our favorite characters go a little too far. So check out these heroic movie acts that an officer would never do (probably).

1.  Rhodey finds Tony

In Jon Favreau’s 2008 “Ironman” Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is kidnapped by a terrorist group and forced to build one of his deadly signature missiles the “Jericho.” Instead, the brilliant engineer creates the Mark 1 suit, defeats the first act villain and escapes.

 

Then, Rhodey (Terrance Howard) just so happens to show up finding Tony walking out and about in what appears to be a very large desolate area after spending three months in captivity. That’s quite a lot of missions he’d have to fly to save his missing bestie. With the odds that this was his first search and rescue mission, he should buy a lottery ticket.

2. Leave no man behind

Owen Wilson stars as a jokester Naval aviator who gets shot down and must fight to stay alive as he’s pursued by some pretty bad boys in Bosnia. Then, Rear Adm. Reigart, played Lex Luthor (I mean  Gene Hackman) risks everything — including his command — to fly out and rescue one of his men in “Behind Enemy Lines.”

That’s what we call heroic.

3. “You can’t handle the truth!”

Audiences love courtroom dramas and that’s why Hollywood continues to produce them.

In Rob Reiner’s 1992 hit “A Few Good Men,”  Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise) and Col. Nathan Jessup (Jack Nicholson) go toe-to-toe in the climatic third act of discovering the truth of who ordered the “code red.”

Let’s face it – real or not, it’s a freakin’ awesome scene!

4.  Engage – Engage!

2005’s “Rules of Engagement” stars Samuel L. Jackson playing Terry Childers, a Marine colonel who after successfully evacuating an American ambassador and his family in Yemen from an invading crowd orders his men to turn their sights on the invaders to end the fight — which contained women and children.

 

Also read: 35 technical errors in ‘Rules of Engagement’

5. Buzzing the tower

Tom Cruise plays Maverick in Tony Scott‘s “Topgun,” which was a hugely successful film in 1986 and helped sell tons of aviator sunglass. Admit it, you bought a pair.

After an epic battle with a Topgun instructor named Jester (played by Michael Ironside), Maverick gets a hair up his a** and decides to buzz the air control tower.

 

A pilot could totally lose his flight status for this prank.

Can you think of any others? Comment below.

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