Humor

9 reasons why you should have joined the Army instead

If you didn't pick the U.S. Army that day you walked through your local strip mall mulling over which branch to choose, then you missed out.


Let's face it. The demonym most people use for troops and service members is soldier. And there's a damn good reason for that!

#1. We do awesome sh*t constantly.

Can you believe that civilians actually pay to go camping or to the shooting range?

You can forever play the "Oh, you think that is cool? Well I did..." stories in the lunch room at work.

This is just a Thursday for us. (U.S. Army Photo by Visual Information Specialist, Erich Backes)

#2. Because James Earl Jones.

The Marines may have Kylo Ren from the new Star Wars films, but we had his grandpa, Darth Vader.

Who else can claim they have two Emmys, a Golden Globe, an Oscar, two Tonys, and a Ranger Tab?

#3. No one ever wanted to dress up as a Marine, Sailor, or Airman as a kid.

Kids running around with toy guns? They're playing Army.

G.I. Joe? Mostly associated with the Army.

Those little green Army men? You get my point.

And then there's this guy, mixing all of them together. (Image via Imgur)

#4. We actually get to play with our cool toys.

Show of hands. How many airmen and sailors actually got to fly the planes or steer the ships their branch is known for doing? Now how many soldiers got to use the weapons our branch is known for using? Thought so.

The trick is to think in your head "freedom, mother f*cker!" for controlled bursts.

#5. The Army has style.

We have always had the freshest looking uniforms throughout military history. Even when you've low crawled in the mud, Army uniforms look better than whatever the hell the Navy calls their blueberry uniforms.

Related: This is what you should know about the return of the 'pinks and greens'

Photo by Catherine Lowrey

#6. Our boy, Captain America, is one of the most recognizable fictional characters.

Show a picture of Captain America to nearly anyone. I bet you that they can tell you exactly what his name is and his branch of service.

His hair and uniform are definitely out of regulations, but f*ck it. Once you have a Combat Infantryman Badge you can pretty much get away with whatever. (Film distributed by Paramount Pictures)

#7. No guts. No glory.

Yeah. Things suck some times. No denying that.

But if you don't embrace the suck, live the suck, love the suck, and become the suck — you don't have the privilege of calling yourself a bad ass.

These are some of the best times and the worst times we ever had. (U.S. Army Photo by Maj. Kamil Sztalkoper)

#8. You personally get to deliver 5.56mm of freedom at a max effective range at 500 meters to piece of sh*t terrorists.

Every branch has POGs (Persons Other than Grunt.) Every branch has a version of a grunt. The Army has the highest "Hooah Sh*t" per capita. At least our POGs try to elevate themselves above their "glorified cheerleader" status.

The only down side is knowing that when you get out, you will never be as bad ass as you were when you were doing "Hooah Sh*t."

"Oh that's interesting. We did that before breakfast." (U.S. Army Photo by Winifred Brown)

#9. Almost every iconic General officer in American history was in the Army.

Crack open a history book. Nearly every great General gained their notoriety in the U.S. Army. You're in good hands.

Not to discredit the other branches who have given our country the best military tacticians the world has ever seen (because this list is done 'tongue in cheek' and at the end of the day, we're all brothers and sisters on the same team).

You may be cool, but you'll never be "Gen. Patton fighting his way through Europe to just to take a piss in the Rhine river" cool.

Related: 9 reasons you should have joined the Air Force instead

How to get your own free 'Space Force' ringtone

If you're in the military or are a veteran and haven't heard about the Space Force yet, it's time to climb out from under that rock you've been living in. There's a sixth branch of the U.S. military now, and it's going to be a department of the Air Force.

The men's department.

Although the Air Force has released very limited guidance on what the new branch will do, how it will roll out, or basically anything at all except that it's called the 'Space Force' and will exist one day, the excitement the idea of a space force brings the military community is palpable.

Judged solely by the sheer volume of Space Force memes.

Also Read: 5 boring details a Space Force private will get stuck on

So if you're excited to do your part, you can fully engulf yourself in the burgeoning Space Force culture, you can now enjoy the first Space Force song, sure to be shouted at the top of many a Spaceman's lungs every morning during Space-ic Training.

This songified version of President Trump's Space Force announcement was created by The Gregory Brothers, whose YouTube page is packed with pop culture songification. Due to the popular demand for the song to be made into a ringtone via the popular Air Force Facebook page Air Force amn/nco/snco, the Gregory Brothers responded immediately.

Thanks Air Force amn/nco/snco.

Check out: Why the name of the space-based branch should be Space Corps

Good luck getting this song out of your head now that it goes off every time your mom or dad calls you. You can get your free Space Force ringtone from The Gregory Brothers at their Patreon page.

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