As of March 19, 2020, novel coronavirus has been responsible for a global pandemic that has infected more than 267,000 people, killed over 11,000, and left many more jobless. As a new virus, there has been an international race to find a vaccine to slow the rate of infection.
In a stunning development, U.S. Marine Corps officials have announced that they found a cure in an unlikely yet very familiar place: a box of crayons.
In an exclusive interview with Coffee or Die, General William G. Busey, commander of Marine Forces Command, said that the development was discovered by three young Marine lance corporals quarantined at 29 Palms, California.
“For generations, our brave Marines have answered the nation’s call no matter the stakes. With the fate of the world on the line and literally nothing else to do, three young Marines — quarantined in the closest replica of hell that we have on earth — volunteered to contract COVID-19, and then do what they do best: eat crayons. And it worked!”
The three Marines are in stable condition and are now undergoing further medical tests to evaluate just how many crayons are needed to cure the virus. Early testing suggests that a 24-pack isn’t enough, while a 64-pack is too much.
“I mean, I think contracting coronavirus was actually kind of nice,” said Lance Corporal Shane Geller, one of the three volunteers for the groundbreaking test. “29 Palms is fucking terrible, so I thought it was pretty unlikely that the virus could make my life as a mortarman in the Marines any worse. And I mean, who’s gonna turn down free Crayola snacks? It was a no-brainer for me.”
For fellow Marines, the announcement was not a surprise. “No Marine Corps insider is shocked by this revelation,” said Jack Mandaville, a Marine Corps veteran. He then went on to clarify, unprompted, that “there are no ex-Marines — a Marine is a Marine. And all Marines are riflemen. And they don’t die, they just regroup in hell. Semper fi. Hey, wanna see my eagle, globe, and anchor? It’s earned, not issued.”
Editor’s note: Just in case you haven’t figured it out, this is a satire article and is in no way meant to be an accurate depiction of actual events. Stay safe, and wash your hands!
There aren’t many jobs in the military where your sea-duty station consists of serving with another branch. But for the Navy rate of an “HM,” or Hospital Corpsman, that’s exactly where you can expect to find yourself.
After you graduate Field Medical Training Battalion, expect to get orders to the Marine Corps side of the house or what we call, the “Greenside” — sooner rather than later.
We call it the greenside because you’re going to wear a sh*t ton of green for the next three years.
Marines love that sh*t when you manage to work a line or two into a conversation. Oh, make sure you have a copy of the movie on your hard drive when you deploy; it’s the “unofficial” movie of the Marine Corps.
Any line will do, as long as it fits the conversation. (giphy)
5. Know your ranks
Marine ranks are different than Navy ones. A Marine Captain is an O-3, compared to a Navy Captain who is an O-6. Big difference.
“Do I look like I’m in the Navy to you!” (giphy)Learn to count chevrons. Senior NCOs’ collar devices can blend into their uniform, making it tough to make out their proper title. Find an alternate way to greet them properly, or you can just take the less populated walkways (aka the long way).
Face it, the Navy has only given you officially 12-16 weeks worth of medical training. No one is going to ask you to perform open-heart surgery on your first day.
Marines are going to get sick and injured, and that’s your time to shine. When you’re working in the B.A.S., or “battalion aid station,” you’re going to have to explain why your patient is in sick call to the Independent Duty Corpsman or the doctor on staff. Knowing the medical terminology will earn you respect from the Navy doctor to the point they aren’t going to waste their time doing the second examination.
Getting your Marine a day off work or light duty is key. Impress your Marine and your life, and your heavy pack will seem lighter on a hike — it’s a beautiful thing.
Recruiters are well-practiced in convincing young adults that military service is the best option to propel them into a happy, successful future. We’ve all seen the recruiting posters that show off a mighty lookin’ Marine or a tough soldier and we’ve all seen the highly polished ads on TV, but nothing beats the personal touch of a skilled recruiter.
Some recruiters will travel miles to find young prospects and get them interested in military service. However, there’s one place where you’ll find almost always youngsters in nearly any town — the freakin’ mall.
Shopping malls are the ultimate grounds for recruiters to swoop in and scoop up their next contract. Every recruiter is different, but we’re willing to bet that if you enlisted at a mall, you ran into one of these four archetypes:
That’s right, you better stand at modified parade rest.
(Photo by Andrea Stone)
The one who expects you to have some military bearing
Some recruiters are laid back, but others take a more aggressive approach and instruct potential recruits on the proper way to speak as an active service member.
You might think that being stern and strict would turn the younger crowd away, but, to our surprise, that rigid military bearing is exactly what some want.
He’s good at his
The one who is good with parents
Joining the military is a big decision. The fact is that many youngsters aren’t accustomed to making such important choices.
A smart recruiter knows that nothing is more reassuring than a parent’s good word. So, you’ll likely find a recruiter whose best work is done schmoozing with mom and dad.
If you join today, you might get to drive a government car, just like me.
The parking lot patroller
Mall recruiters aren’t just on the hunt for window shoppers. Nope! They’re out searching for you before you even step foot inside the shopping center. They pretend like they’ve met you before to strike up a conversation. It’s all a tactic to get you into their office.
Sure you could join the Air Force, but you won’t look as cool in their uniform.
The reverse psychologist
Recruiters are up against monthly quotas. In order to make their numbers, they need to use every tool in their kit. This means finding a way to beat out the other branches in the event that two are scoping the same potential recruit. Some recruiters will use reverse psychology on you, making sly like, “you probably couldn’t handle the Marines anyway.”
Some will see right through it, but others feel compelled to prove people wrong.
On a recent trip to Indonesia, Secretary of Defense James Mattis was treated to a display of intensity by the Indonesian Special Forces. They broke flaming bricks with their heads, rolled in broken glass, and even went as far as drinking the blood of snakes — all to impress the Warrior Monk. While Indonesian Special Forces’ demonstration definitely shows a willingness to fight, it might be a bit too much.
It’s actually not that hard to decipher ways to really impress Secretary Mattis. He basically tells everyone how to be a warrior and everyone misinterprets his advice as yet another ‘Mattisism.’ It’s simple. Just don’t call him “Mad Dog” and be a competent fighter and you’ll be on his good side. Here are some other quick, simple ways to impress the Secretary of Defense.
4. Don’t use PowerPoint
One of the most simple (and true) Mattisisms is, “PowerPoint makes us stupid” — and damn near everyone in the military agrees. Sure, it may be an easy and useful way to bullet point out some notes, but the point of “easy and useful” is lost when PowerPoint Rangers spend their entire careers creating them instead of, you know, leading their troops.
I hate to break it to every staff officer out there stuck deciding on a font, but you’re wasting your time. Your troops are waiting for you.
3. Shoot the assholes who need to be shot
Every troop, from the knuckle-dragging grunt to the PowerPoint Ranger, joined the military for one reason: to help fight America’s wars. Many infantrymen kick in doors daily and many POGs may never come within a grid-square of danger. This shouldn’t matter: When the time comes, you should be willing to fight and end the enemy before they end you.
Whether they know it or not, the reason Secretary Mattis was impressed with Indonesian Special Forces was their willingness to prove they have what it takes to be a warfighter.
2. Be polite, be professional…
And, of course, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. This doesn’t mean that you should constantly live your life like you’re playing Grand Theft Auto V. It means that you should always stay vigilant.
Treat everyone as if they’re your friend, but have a backup plan in case they don’t feel the same way about you.
While everyone will eat up his Mattisisms about being the meanest, roughest, most savage son of a b*tch on the battlefield, he actually talks more about being smart. “Engage your brain before your weapon.”
“Ace Ventura: Pet Detective,” “The Mask,” and “The Santa Clause” were just a few of the hilarious movies that rocked theaters back in 1994.
But for veterans, one comedy stands out from the rest: “In The Army Now” starring former MTV Veejay Pauly Shore. It’s not known for being the most authentic military film ever, but it’s pretty freaking funny.
Shore, who plays “Bones,” is a complete slacker/electronics salesman who gets fired from his job and joins the Army reserves with his buddy specializing in water purification.
After doing sh*t ton of push ups in boot camp for being a goofball, the Glendale reservist gets called to action as a conflict breaks out in the African nation of Chad.
Peel back the layers and check out a few life lessons from the film that may reshape how you see this cult classic.
1. How to keep your retail job when the boss wants to fire you
Step 1: Humorously tell your boss why you can’t get fired.
He’s a crazy boy. (Images via Giphy)Step 2: Have one of your closest friends page you by name over the intercom system strictly for customer service reasons.
“Bones to the service floor. Bones to the service floor.” (Images via Giphy)Step 3: Sell an expensive product right in front of your boss.
Sell that sh*t. (Images via Giphy)Just don’t get busted like our friend Bones here.
Busted. (Images via Giphy)
2. Everything sounds great in the beginning
Joining the military is a life changing event. You should take more than just a few minutes to decide on the huge commitment. Have a buddy go with you to the recruiter’s office to play devil’s advocate on your behalf.
Wait! Think this through now. (Images via Giphy)
3. Embrace the new military you
Those who are blind heading into boot camp will be issued a pair BCGs. Let’s face it, you’re not going to get a date for Saturday night wearing them, but having a strong personality behind those thick frame glasses couldn’t hurt — you’ll stand out more.
Fashionable. (Images via Giphy)
4. Finish the fights you start
Don’t even think about dropping your guard or risk getting the sh*t kicked out of you.
He dropped his guard. (Images via Giphy)
5. Don’t piss off your fellow troops
They just may kidnap you, tie you up and put you on display.
You know that had to hurt. (Images via Giphy)
6. Mind over matter
Things always seem to appear worse than they are at times. Especially when someone thinks there’s a scorpion on their back. That’s just crazy talk.
Calm down. (Images via Giphy)There really was a scorpion on his back. Oops!
Oh, sh*t! (Images via Giphy)
Young civilians often tend to equate life in the military with what they see in video games. By their very nature, video games are supposed to be fun and engaging. You often find yourself in the boots of an impossibly badass character, doing over the top things.
By contrast, life in the military usually involves sitting around, waiting to hear what the next training exercise will be. It’s definitely not the video-game-like experience some might expect.
We can’t blame you for using your imagination, though. In fact, these are some things about video games that would make real military service so much better.
6. The tutorial would be much shorter
At the beginning of nearly every game, you’re first taught how to play the game. Use the sticks to move around, press ‘X’ to jump, press ‘R2’ to shoot, and so on. In the real world, you spend 9 weeks in basic/boot camp, additional time learning your specific MOS, and then god-knows-how-much time before you actually deploy.
5. Traveling would just be a load screen
One of the worst waits in the military is the moment you pack your duffle bag for the last time to leave the deployment. You wait to get the order to move to the larger FOBs, you wait to get the order to leave country to a larger airfield, and then you wait for the plane to finally touch down. At least in a video game, the load screens don’t last three weeks.
Every troop while they “hurry up and wait.” (Image via GIPHY)
4. Having a choice in gear would be nice
The most common talking point between someone who plays military video games and someone who actually knows the military is weapon selection. You’ll hear the, “Oh, did you get to use the (insert weapon issued by another country’s SpecOps)?”
Almost always, you’re assigned a weapon by your squad leader. One person is the grenadier, another the machine gunner. Everyone else is a rifleman. Rarely will you even interact with someone who has a sniper rifle, let alone use one.
If you’re wondering who gets the machine gun, it’s always the smallest person — because it’s funny. (Image via GIPHY)
3. Combat would be easy if the enemy was flagged for PvP
In massively multiplayer games, like World of Warcraft, you get to have fun duking it out with others in player-versus-player combat. For the most part, you’re always going to know who, exactly, is your enemy. Iraq and Afghanistan, on the other hand…
Also, looting stuff from the enemy is also generally frowned upon. (Image via GIPHY)
2. No need for medics!
Who needs an entire expertise that takes years of training when you can just step on top of a first aid kit or hide behind a rock until your screen stops glowing red?
You could get shot thirty times and get right back up to chainsaw someone in half a few seconds later.
Much simpler than changing your socks and taking a Motrin. (Image via GIPHY)
1. Changes from the developers usually make things easier
There’s no real rank structure in video games. Sure, you might have a guild leader or your e-sports team might have a captain, but the only words that come down the pipe to a gamer, generally, are patch notes. Games get patched to fix bugs, make the game more accessible, and usually have a positive impact on the overall game.
If you get word from the Big Military on something, it’s usually something dumb, like a change in the tattoo policy or a memo stating the uniforms you just bought are now obsolete.
If you think hearing your character got nerfed was bad, try hearing your deployment got extended. (Image via GIPHY)
When the big green weenie comes for you, it sets out to prove why ‘Enlisted military personnel’ keeps making lists of worst jobs in America. Year, after year, after year, after year. You can keep checking CareerCast and Forbes’ yearly lists. Believe me, it goes beyond 2012.
Troops don’t become salty because of the “long hours and deployments” like the lists claim. They suck it up, buttercup. What really shatters morale are details. But hey! Somebody has to do them, right?
Keep in mind, these aren’t always punishments. They can be, but almost everyone can get slapped with these from time to time.
Imagine having a garage that can never stay clean. Just full of crap that never gets touched except when it gets reorganized months later by the ‘Good Idea Fairy.’
Organizing these before deployment is great. Don’t expect to open it back up in country and anything to be in any kind of order. You know what that means…
#2. Police calls (and other cleaning tasks)
There’s a reason PFC also stands for ‘Perfect Floor Cleaners.’
No matter how many cigarette butts troops pick up through out their career, there will always be more flicked out the window of a car or smothered underfoot and abandoned.
#3. Lay-Outs and Inventories
Just like the connex, most of these things only ever get touched when there’s a new commander signing off on the inventory.
Painstakingly laying out every last piece of equipment takes forever and when you finally make it look like everyone else’s layout, the commander just ends up fudging the hand receipt.
#4. Kitchen Patrol
(Mostly) gone are the days of skinning potatoes.
Doesn’t make working in the kitchen beside the cooks any less mind-numbing. Afterwards, maybe you’ll show a little empathy next time you want to raise hell because they “wouldn’t give you double servings of bacon just as the dining facility opened up.”
Writer’s note: I am a firm believer that if anyone makes a scene in a dining hall, loses military bearing, and starts cussing out the cooks over a serving size, theys should be sent to the back to work KP, and we should bring back the time-honored tradition/punishment of skinning potatoes.
#5. Urinalysis Observer
If you thought being promoted out of the E-4 mafia meant you’d be safe — think again.
No NCO enjoys standing by and watching troops pee. And if they do, they’re freaking creeps who are the reason we have safety briefs.
With everything in the military, there’s a limit to the amount of times you can clean something, organize something, or fine tune something until it’s completed (or needs fixing again).
Not sandbags. Fighting in desert environments means that there is a never ending supply of sandbags to fill. You’d think it’d stop when the bags ran out…but no, it doesn’t work like that.
The supply NCO doesn’t even order the sandbags. The empty bags get pulled out of their ass like tissue paper. The supply NCO then laughs maniacally at the dread of all the lower enlisted.
#7. Burn Pits
Burn pits were used to clear out garbage and human waste in a hurry. Even though more efficient, eco-friendly, and healthier options (for literally everyone in the vicinity) have been more readily available, reports of open air burn pits still exist.
At the expense of sounding like a cheap law firm swarming victims like vultures, if you believe you might have be affected by burn pits, register with the VA at this link here. It’s a very serious health concern and the more veterans that stand up, the more seriously the issue will be taken.
There is no contest to what the most painful detail or duty in the military actually is.
Nothing can come close to what kind of heart break and hell the Casualty Notification Officers go through each and every time they walk up the doorway. They must skip the euphemisms like “they passed away.” No. They have to be blunt and straight forward. “Your __ was killed less than four hours ago.”
It’s the most thankless job in the military. No one wants to tell a parent, a spouse, or a child that their hero isn’t coming home. They have to be the ones to break the news. Over and over again.
While you clean the floors, laying out your vehicles kit, or skinning potatoes, just know it could always get worse.
With pride streaming from their pores and a sense of realism in their voice, most vets don’t hesitate to speak their mind — and we love them for it.
The next time to get the chance to hear their tales of triumph, count how many times they say a few these phrases:
1. “We had it harder.”
For some, levels of accomplishments of service is a d*ck measuring contest. Don’t be offended, but let’s face it, you probably should be.
2. “Keep your head and your ass wired together.”
If you have a mom or dad that’s a vet, you’ve probably heard this at one time or another when you’ve made an immature mistake. The human ass is considered the body’s anchor point; keep your head wired to it and you’ll have fewer chances of losing it.
3. “Back in my day…”
A lot has changed over the years; we have fast internet, text messaging, and first world problems now. Many older vets are don’t rely on the pleasures of technology to help them with their daily lives. They tend to stick with they know best for them.
You may hear this line when a former service member fumbles with his credit card while paying for an item at the checkout counter or just sitting with one as they recall a moment from the good ole’ days.
4. “It’s a free country. You’re welcome.”
Face it, they can be grumpy old men too.
5. “I miss killing Nazis.”
Mostly spoken by WWI and WWII vets — let’s hope anyway.
6. “Baby-wipes? We only had sand paper.”
Being deployed these days, you can still have many of the comforts of home, including a music player, a laptop, and video games. We even receive care packages from home containing candy, snacks, and baby wipes.
Baby wipes are man’s second best friend when fighting in any clime and place. The soft sanitizing sheets can clean just about anything — or at least feel and look clean.
Back in the day, grunts packed a few extra smokes and a photo of their hometown girlfriend, Barbara Jean, and then had to wipe their butts with what came folded and cramped in their MREs, which was a piece of coarse, square paper.
Standard issue toilet paper. One size wipes almost all.
Although wet naps debuted in the late 1950s, it wasn’t until 2005 when wet/baby wipes came on the market as the more bum friendly product we know today.
7. “If it ain’t raining, we ain’t training.”
Probably the most common phrase in a vet era. This phrase is usually spoken in a sarcastic tone to inform others how much of a p**** they are if they want to quit an outdoors activity when the rain starts coming down.
In 2006, a film about how 300 Spartan warriors, led by a king known as Leonidas, went to war against a massive Persian army debuted in cinemas across the globe.
The film was an instant success. Suddenly, it was a universally accepted fact that Spartans kicking the crap out of someone is a reliable way of ending a dispute. The story follows King Leonidas, a man bred to be a warrior king from the moment he was born, as he leads his loyal army against Greece’s enemies.
Though extremely outnumbered, Leonidas valorously leads his mean up against the odds and ends up dying alongside them in battle — which is totally unheard of today.
Many so-called “leaders” actually lead from the rear, which means they issue an order, watch their men do all the dangerous sh*t, and then take all credit for it.
King Leonidas was in front of all the battle formations and would often step forward, on his own, to kill as many people as possible.
That’s what we call a freakin’ leader.
2. He f*cks the enemy up on the spot
King Leonidas wasn’t out to win any hearts or minds. Instead, he intended to rip out your heart and put a blade through your mind.
If you come around his FOB and talk sh*t, he’ll Spartan kick you in front of everybody.
3. He is the same person at home as he is with his men
Some troops in high positions shed their aggression when they get home — not King Leonidas. In fact, he started training his son in hand-to-hand combat while he was still wearing diapers. That’s what we call “startin’ em off early.”
4. He knows a sh*tty soldier when he sees one
Leonidas knows talent when he sees it. He plainly dismisses a fellow Greek’s plea to fight the Persian empire because he wasn’t physically capable of fighting like a true Spartan. Real leaders don’t want you on their team if you can’t keep up with the rest of the hard-chargers.
Leonidas develops a master plan to use the land to his advantage and take out a vast Persian army with only 300 men. The idea works, too, until that dude who he denied earlier snitches him out like a punk-a**. It happens.
The reason for this nod to British tradition is actually much more pragmatic than just making teatime. Tommy tankers fighting in WWII France would leave their armored vehicles to brew tea by the side of the road.
It might be a little hard to make a proper thrust through the enemy-held hedgerows when most of your tankers stop to have a spot of proper British tea by the roadside at certain times of day. Not to mention the fact that the area was full of Nazis, bent on throwing English tankers back in their Channel.
This all came to a head on D-Day+6, when the British 22d Armored Brigade stopped outside Caen for morning tea, all the time being eyed by four hastily-assembled German Tigers.
War Is Boring’s pathos-filled account describes the tea party that ended with the British losing 14 tanks, nine half-tracks, four gun carriers and two anti-tank guns in 15 minutes.
A study done after the war found that 37 percent of all armor unit casualties occurred when the crew member was outside of the vehicle.
They won’t make that mistake again. The water boiler and ration heater in modern British tanks is a pretty nifty innovation. It guarantees access to hot food and water and keeps troops safely inside their armor.
A good idea, is a good idea, is a good idea — and the boiling vessel is a good idea. Whatever keeps tank crews inside their tanks is probably for the best.