BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19 - We Are The Mighty
Humor

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

As of March 19, 2020, novel coronavirus has been responsible for a global pandemic that has infected more than 267,000 people, killed over 11,000, and left many more jobless. As a new virus, there has been an international race to find a vaccine to slow the rate of infection.

In a stunning development, U.S. Marine Corps officials have announced that they found a cure in an unlikely yet very familiar place: a box of crayons. 

In an exclusive interview with Coffee or Die, General William G. Busey, commander of Marine Forces Command, said that the development was discovered by three young Marine lance corporals quarantined at 29 Palms, California. 

“For generations, our brave Marines have answered the nation’s call no matter the stakes. With the fate of the world on the line and literally nothing else to do, three young Marines — quarantined in the closest replica of hell that we have on earth — volunteered to contract COVID-19, and then do what they do best: eat crayons. And it worked!” 

The three Marines are in stable condition and are now undergoing further medical tests to evaluate just how many crayons are needed to cure the virus. Early testing suggests that a 24-pack isn’t enough, while a 64-pack is too much.

“I mean, I think contracting coronavirus was actually kind of nice,” said Lance Corporal Shane Geller, one of the three volunteers for the groundbreaking test. “29 Palms is fucking terrible, so I thought it was pretty unlikely that the virus could make my life as a mortarman in the Marines any worse. And I mean, who’s gonna turn down free Crayola snacks? It was a no-brainer for me.”

For fellow Marines, the announcement was not a surprise. “No Marine Corps insider is shocked by this revelation,” said Jack Mandaville, a Marine Corps veteran. He then went on to clarify, unprompted, that “there are no ex-Marines — a Marine is a Marine. And all Marines are riflemen. And they don’t die, they just regroup in hell. Semper fi. Hey, wanna see my eagle, globe, and anchor? It’s earned, not issued.”

Editor’s note: Just in case you haven’t figured it out, this is a satire article and is in no way meant to be an accurate depiction of actual events. Stay safe, and wash your hands!

This article originally appeared on Coffee or Die. Follow @CoffeeOrDieMag on Twitter.

Humor

5 reasons why the AT-AT from Star Wars would be terrible in the real world

The Star Wars franchise is all about placing fantastical elements within in a sci-fi setting. In order to truly enjoy the films, you have to suspend your disbelief a little bit — otherwise it’ll look a lot like cosmic samurai fighting a faceless evil empire across a galaxy filled with people who magically speak the same language and function just fine without a space suit wherever they end up.


Putting a bit more thought into it, the Imperial Stormtroopers seem to get the short end of the stick nearly every single time. With the soon-to-be-released Solo: A Star Wars Story on the horizon, it’s fun to remember why they probably wouldn’t make the most intimidating enemy — especially not with highly-overused AT-AT walkers.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
But they probably sold a lot of toys, so anyu00a0argument against them is void.
(Photo by Tim Moreillon)

To all seven of you out there who haven’t seen Star Wars, the AT-AT is a gigantic, robotic troop transport used by the antagonists that’s sort-of a futuristic callback to Hannibal’s elephants. They’re fairly intimidating in the films until you realize just how dumb of a design they really are.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

At least they acknowledged that painting its weak spot bright orange was an objectively bad idea.

(Lucasfilm)

Its weaknesses are extremely obvious

The most glaring mistake of the AT-AT is that they’re so easy to destroy. In The Empire Strikes Back, our heroes turn the tide during a battle on the icy planet of Hoth when they decide to trip the lumbering armor. Really? Why did it take some rural moisture farmer to make that mental breakthrough?

Not only that, but Luke Skywalker also destroyed one by throwing a single grenade, which, somehow, blows up the head. They’re even more easily destroyed in Rogue One, when a single rocket to the walker’s “neck” is enough to take it down.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

This is about the field of fire of an AT-AT. Avoid this and you’re fine.

(LucasArts)

Its only weapons are front-facing

If you’re facing the front of an AT-AT, you’re probably screwed. If you’re literally anywhere outside of its 30-degree field of facing, you’re completely safe.

Without any kind of air support, like what happened to them in The Empire Strikes Back, the opportunity to flank them is wide open. If you’re thinking that it could just turn around, that brings us to our next point.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

This is it TRYING to turn.

(LucasArts Ltd.)

It can barely turn

To be fair, the AT-AT can turn a little bit in Episode V and some of the obscure novels (which are no longer canon) say that they have an additional joint under the plating to help it turn. But, even if we’re generous, they can turn maybe fifteen degrees with each slow, lumbering step.

This is happens in a time when, according to the logic that has been established by the franchise, intergalactic travel and troop transport is done with spaceships. But, instead of carrying troops via something that fly, they chose something that can barely change course.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

It can’t really leave this small clearing so, for any reason other than creating drama, this makes no sense.

(Lucasfilm Ltd.)

It wouldn’t be able to maneuver anywhere

Let’s bring things back to the real world for a moment and discuss why tank treads work in almost every environment while horses don’t: Legs get caught in things. They get tangled in snares and sink into sand, snow, and mud. Tank treads, conversely, just roll through it all.

Now magnify that four-legged beast to the size of an AT-AT. All of those same problems still exist, but now you can cross cities and forests off that list, too.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

Poor little AT-AT… At least you tried.

(Lucasfilm Ltd.)

It’s a terrible design for a troop transport

Let’s bring it back to the fact that they rely on what are essentially robot camels when they have countless other options at their disposal. A spaceship can warp in and push out every Stormtrooper in a blink of an eye. The AT-AT, on the other hand, needs to bend down, load troops into the vehicle, carry them all somewhere, bend back down, and, finally, unload them.

All of that just to get some troops forward in an easily destructible, undefended deathtrap that can barely get around. Sure, they’re intimidating, but don’t you have Death Stars and Star Destroyers for that?

Humor

5 things service members hate on that are actually useful

The U.S. Military is full of rules and regulations, so much so that it gives the lower enlisted plenty to complain about. But some of the things that seem like annoying POG tasks actually make a lot of sense and, in some cases, could be lifesaving.


Here are some of the tasks service members complain about doing that, realistically, make good sense.

Related: 6 ways to be successful in the Marine infantry

5. Boot blousing

This often feels like an annoying task only POGs worry about but, when you think about it, the purpose is to keep dirt and other unwanted particles from getting inside one’s boot.

It gets stupid, though, when higher-ups prefer to see them sit near or at the top of the boot, which may look good, but ultimately defeats the purpose.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Airmen don’t really have to worry about dirt getting in their boots, though. (Image via Citizen Airman Magazine)

4. Buckling the chin strap of a helmet

When troops of the modern age wear their combat gear, they like to call back to times of World War II and Vietnam, when troops would go on patrols with the chin strap of their helmets unbuckled.

But, when you look at why those troops did that, it becomes clear that, with the modern helmets and straps, it makes more sense to buckle up.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Would you rather be comfortable and lose your helmet or have something to protect your head from incoming shrapnel? (Image via Reddit user 4noteprogression)

3. Police call

This is the practice of picking up every little piece of trash in front of the battalion headquarters until it looks pretty for the base commander — what a beautiful practice. After all, who doesn’t like standing in a straight line and combing the lawn for used gum and cigarette butts? But, when you think about it, this is good practice for when you’re leaving a bivouac site or sleeping area.

You want to pick up every piece of trash — yes, even the gum and cigarette butts — to make sure there’s little to no evidence of human occupation because it makes your unit harder to track.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Remember, if you bring it in, you take it out. (Image via Duffleblog)

2. Shaving

This is a common complaint because everyone just wants to be an operator. But the truth is, having a clean shave can save your life. The requirement started during World War I to ensure a perfect seal when the gas masks go on to prevent, you know, dying from a cloud of mustard gas.

These days, having a clean shave is a part of military uniformity and discipline. It takes some discipline to wake up and shave every morning and takes no effort to just let it grow.

On the other hand, special operators are allowed to grow beards because they’re immune to chemical weapons and don’t need gas masks.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Shave your face, nasty! (Image via Reddit user SenorWorkman)

Also read: 6 easy ways for a grunt to be accepted by POGs

1. Stand-to

“Stand-to” is a command that means to stand guard or be prepared for an enemy attack. This is especially annoying since it usually happens from before until after dusk, and before until after dawn.

No one likes being woken up half an hour before the sun rises to stand guard but, realistically, these are the times where attacks have been known to happen. The enemy likes to strike when you’re either focused on going to bed or getting up.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Marines around their fighting positions as the sun rises (Image via Army Times)

Articles

This Green Beret will make you a mental commando

When things get squirrely, military vets have several advantages over career civilians. Vets, of course, have the benefit of combat and tactical training, but they’ve also learned to develop a formidable mental game.


Former Green Beret Mike Glover used this notion as inspiration and a jumping off point when he founded Fieldcraft Survival, his school for disaster preparedness.

With 18 years of deep operational experience, certifications out the wazoo (just check his founder’s bio), and a doomsday sense of humor that would make Mad Max proud, Glover is uniquely qualified to teach civilians to keep their heads and preserve their lives as the worst case scenario unfolds.

“At Fieldcraft, our whole basic motto is we’re teaching mindset over hard skills.”

Things, of course, got extra squirrely when Oscar Mike host Ryan Curtis dropped in for a visit.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

Glover hustled Curtis right into training, first in the classroom to reinforce the importance of developing a strong mental game and then in the field, where the two ran through the O.P.S. Course, which stands for Observe, Prepare, Survive.

And just as the word “challenge” was leaving Curtis’ mouth a distant cry of distress told our heroes it was time to oil up for action.

What happened next pretty much sums up the whole series.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
These are the faces of true bravery. (Go90 Oscar Mike screenshot)

Watch as Glover teaches this wannabe Martin Riggs the real meaning of the word “squirrely”, in the video embedded at the top.

Watch more Oscar Mike:

This is why you don’t challenge an ex-sniper to a duel

The Marine Rapper will make you shake your Citizen Rump

This is why the future of motocross is female

This is what happens when a Navy SEAL becomes an actor

This is what happens when a SEAL helps you with your lady problems

Humor

The 13 funniest memes for the week of June 1st

It’s now summertime, which means hotter temperatures for physical training, longer days for working parties, and more intense nights for barracks parties. All three of those are a lot easier if you take to your medic/corpsman’s advice and drink some water.

You don’t need to change your socks as often as they claim, but doing so at least once a day is appreciated by everyone around you. If you don’t, well, you’re one nasty SOB. But you’re not here for advice, you’re here for memes.


BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Air Force Nation)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Navy Memes)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Sh*t My LPO Says)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Awesome Sh*t My Drill Sergeant Says)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Ranger Up)

Everyone wants to do infantry stuff until it’s time to do infantry stuff.

(Spoiler alert: A lot of infantry stuff sucks if you don’t embrace it.)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Pop Smoke)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Army as F*ck)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme by WATM)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Valhalla Wear)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Army as F*ck)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Military World)

“Cover me while I glue!”

“I got you covered!”

Humor

The 6 most OFP jobs in the military

For the uninitiated, OFP is a military initialism that means, “own f*cking program.” The term is commonly used by one service member in reference to another that seems to be immune from formations, uniform inspections, working parties, and the general tomf*ckery that goes along with being a part of the world’s most elite fighting forces.


This is not to say these individuals do not work hard or are not important to the fight. In fact, in most situations, the reason they are OFP is because of the vital tasks they perform — sometimes at odd hours.

Let’s explore the duties and responsibilities of the individuals the military allows to be on their own f*cking program.

Related: The origin of the ‘best’ rank in the Marines (Lance Corporal)

1. Military Working Dog Handler – all services

Military Working Dog handlers are responsible for the care and training of his or her service dog, which contributes to combat operations abroad and installation security at home by providing targeted odor detection (explosive/drug).

Service dogs, generally seen as a non-lethal option for neutralizing a threat, also serve as a psychological deterrent during law enforcement operations.

In other words, these badasses are expected to play with their dogs — it’s their job and no one can tell them not to.

2. Ammunition Technicians – all services (various titles)

Ammo techs do everything that needs to be done regarding ammunition, including receipt, storage, issue, and handling of ammunition and toxic chemicals.

They often spend hours driving around to various ranges ensuring compliance with standards regarding ammo. They often have their own office and a parking spot at the S-shops — all as an E-4.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

 

3. Enlisted Aide for Generals/Admirals – all services

Speaking of OFP, enlisted aides are responsible for… well, I’ll let the official enlisted aide guidebook do the talking:

The good news is your only boss is a general and he/she is usually very busy.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Serving more than the country. (Photo by Tony Lopez)

4. CBRN Defense Specialist – all services (various titles)

These are the sadists adorned in gas masks and HAZMAT suits, making their military brothers and sisters cry with CS gas (commonly called “tear gas” by Eagles fans).

They are tasked with monitoring, detecting, training for, and advising anything that has to do with Chemical, Biological, Radiological, or Nuclear threats.

CBRN personnel are often ridiculed for their abundant “spare time.”

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Yes, YES! It’s perfect! (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Brendan King)

5. Religious Program Specialist/Chaplain Assistant (“Chap-Ass”) – all services except the Marines

These motivators are tasked with supporting chaplains in any area that does not require ordination or pastoral counseling.

The title explains most of the job, however, these guys have one boss and he or she is generally the most understanding, kind, and generally happy person in uniform.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Let us pray. (U.S. Navy photo by Seaman Specialist Sabrina Fine)

Also Read: 7 things you didn’t know about the Marine Jungle Warfare Training Center

6. Marine Corps Infantry Weapons Specialist – aka “GUNNER”

A “Marine Gunner” is qualified to train Marines on the proper employment of all weapons systems organic to the infantry.  That includes, but is not limited to, pistols, rifles, machine-guns, rockets, mortars, missiles, explosives, and their associated accessories.

To qualify for selection as a “Marine Gunner,” you must be a Gunnery Sergeant with 16 years active duty in the infantry and have served as an Infantry Platoon Sergeant. Upon selection, Marines are promoted to the rank of Chief Warrant Officer 2, but a “Marine Gunner” is always referred to as “Gunner,” never CWO.

There are about 102 Gunners total in the Corps.

After a tour with an infantry battalion, they move on to billets as regimental and divisional Gunners, range OICs, and various other positions where Gunners continue to teach infantry skills to Marines.

And nobody… nobody, tells a Gunner to do sh*t.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
The Legendary Gunner Wade. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Alan Adison)

Articles

5 crazy games you played while in the military

As kids growing up, we played games to pass the time, entertain ourselves, and meet other youngsters our age. It was an innocent time.


In the military, it’s sort of the same — except the games are much darker.

Spending the majority of your day either stuck on a ship, humping a pack in the field, or just bored as hell in the barracks, tends to give service members ampul time to come up with simple, low-cost games to play.

Warning: these do not necessarily reflect the most noble moments of our military heritage — but they sure are entertaining!

1. Don’t Fall Asleep

You could consider this a prank or a game.

The military grants you at least 8 hours of rest per night, supposedly. Don’t be so sure that when you manage to sneak a cat nap here or there that someone isn’t out to get you, even if they’re on your side.

These service members found out the hard way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbDoBBTHZtA
 

2. F*ck, Marry, Kill

This one is probably self-explanatory, but Dale Doback from 2008’s Step Brothers (played by John C. Reilly) is going to explain.

 3. No Balls

This game is almost like truth or dare, minus the truth option.

It’s no secret that men and women sometimes talk themselves up in front of their comrades to boost their image to gain respect. We’ve all experienced it at some point or another and maybe even done it ourselves.

The best time to call out “no balls” is after a tough talker makes a strong arm claim and no one else expects it. Seeing everyone’s shocked reaction of “will they do it?” could be priceless.

4. Nut Tap/ The Gator/ Nut Check

The various names of this game are endless.

Out of all the games, this is probably the most dangerous and most painful one. It can leave your fellow gamers fuming at you for extended periods of time, but who cares. It’s hilarious!

This game is typically controlled under false pretenses as getting you mark into proper position can be challenging.

5. Playing Picasso

You’re the last man in the office, as you secure the spaces you notice John Doe has left his CAC inserted (so to speak) into a government computer and he’s gone for the day. Game on!

A Common Access Card (or CAC — please don’t call it a CAC card) is just as important for civilians and active duty members to have in their possession while on base as a driver’s license while operating a motor vehicle. Once you’ve retrieved the CAC, its time to teach the forgetful service member a small, but useful lesson.

Time to create your masterpiece!

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

These games are meant to be conducted out of good wholesome fun. So don’t be that guy who goes overboard.

What military games did you play? Asking for a friend…

Humor

7 more phrases old school veterans can’t stop saying — and we love it

We love our old-school veterans that don’t have a problem speaking their minds. They fought Nazis without the internet — they’re miraculous heroes, every damn one of them.


With that in mind, their generation has some pretty entertaining sayings that we should all know about:

1. “There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.”

If you’re deployed and occupying a foxhole — or fighting hole — chances are you’re freakin’ close to the enemy and sh*t could “pop-off” at any time.

When that intense firefight does break out, it’s common for troops to believe in a higher power suddenly.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
U.S. troops positioned in a foxhole in a forest in Germany, 1945. (Source: Pinterest)

2. “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”

This Marine expression is commonly used during a hardcore PT session when it looks like someone is about to fall out — it also happens to be one of the Corps’ many slogans.

Regardless, this epic phrase continues to be a source of motivation far after someone receives their DD-214.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
OO-Rah! Sincerely, the Marine Corps.

3. “You don’t have to like it, you just have to do it.”

Orders are orders — regardless of how much we don’t believe in them or want to fulfill them.

4. “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.”

During regular working hours — or when you’re still in uniform — senior troops don’t like to see their juniors just standing around not doing sh*t.

So, if you’re caught just hanging around, chances are you’re going to be cleaning something very soon.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
When you get caught leaning so hard, you have to wear a hard hat to clean up. (Source: DoD)

5. “Looking like a soup sandwich.”

A term for when someone in uniform looks freaking unsatisfactory. No real clue of how this saying came about, but we’re glad it did.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
At least attempt to get it right.

6. “It’s mind over matter; I don’t mind and you don’t matter!”

Many service members who had power didn’t seem to mind letting their junior troops know how they felt about them or their complaints. Completing the mission was most important aspect of any task.

7. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

It’s common when the higher-ups want to modify or replace a piece of equipment regardless of how successful the prior model functioned.

Old school vets tend not to like too much change in their lives when they have something that works for them.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

Can you think of any others? Leave a comment!

popular

This is what happens when your father was your drill instructor’s drill instructor

If Marine Corps boot camp is a bitter slice of hell, then drill instructors are the demons who dish it.


Now imagine what basic training would be like if your drill instructor was your father’s recruit and knew it. That’s exactly what happened to Reddit user hygemaii.

 

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Gunnery Sergeant Shawn D. Angell gently corrects a trainee. (Photo: U.S. Marine Corps)

You’d expect one of two things to happen: you get favorable treatment because your father treated your DI to a rose garden — highly unlikely — or you become your DI’s reprisal punching bag for everything your father put him through as a recruit — probably more realistic. Here’s how the story played out, according to hygemaii (mildly edited for grammar and curse words):

Related: 4 of the funniest boot camp stories we’ve ever heard

“My best military story is my own boot camp story. I decided to join the Marine Corps almost on a whim after planning to join the Air Force for most of my senior year in high school.

“Same old story of AF recruiters seeming like they didn’t give a sh-t about their appearance or job and the Marine recruiter putting out max effort all the time and always being presentable. I was a pretty easy mark for the USMC because my dad was in the USMC; I grew up on bases all over the U.S. until we moved to the little farm town in North Florida where I went to high school.

“Since I was 18, I basically did all the paperwork myself, found a job series I liked, signed, the whole nine yards, my dad didn’t know anything until I told him I was going to MEPS and joining the Marines. He was overjoyed, obviously. He loved the Corps and regretted getting out after 12 years.

“Now the story gets funny. My dad was a drill instructor when he was in the Marines. I remembered living on Parris Island but didn’t think much of it. When I got my ship date for boot camp, my dad called some old friends and I ended up in a Company who’s First Sergeant was an old friend of my dad’s — they served on the drill field together all those years ago. So through some sort of crazy coincidence, I end up in a platoon with a drill instructor who was a recruit under my dad (6-7 years prior to me going to boot camp).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
A Drill Instructor whispers loving words of encouragement to Marines who needed some motivation. (U.S. Marine Corps)

“I have a very distinct name, and on the second day after we got our real drill instructors, as he was going through roll call, the drill instructor suddenly fell quiet. After a couple of seconds, he said my name, perfectly pronounced, and I knew I was f**ked.

“He said ‘[Last name], I bet there aren’t too many [Last names] in the world like that, are there?’ Sir, no sir. ‘Was your daddy a Marine in the 90’s Lastname?’ Sir, yes sir. ‘F**king good, [Last name], good. Get on my quarterdeck now.’

“I spent the rest of boot camp unable to make myself invisible. It spread from my drill instructor to drill instructors from other platoons, even other companies. It was f**king miserable. I felt bad for my rack mate, because at one point for about three days I had to move my entire rack to the quarterdeck and he was just along for the ride, so he caught a lot of it, too.

“It made graduating really special, in retrospect, to finally get the kind words from that drill instructor, but man that sucked. I’m pretty sure this entire thing was set up by my dad and his buddy, but they both deny it, and there’s no way to prove it.

“It was funny seeing my drill instructor stand a little straighter when he saw my dad at graduation.”

Humor

That time JFK promised to save Santa from the Soviets

A young girl in Marine City, Mich. overheard her parents talking about Soviet aggression in the Arctic. She didn’t entirely understand what they were talking about, but her parents saying the Russians might test nuclear bombs at the North Pole was cause for concern.


What could she do, except warn the President of the United States?

It was 1961, the height of the Cold War. The very next year would prove to be the biggest test of then-President John F. Kennedy’s mettle against his Soviet adversaries — the Cuban Missile Crisis, but that was months away.

At that moment, however, 8-year-old Michelle Rochon was worried about Santa Claus and his workshop. And she wanted to make certain President Kennedy would do something about the Soviet aggression toward the world’s jolliest elf.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Even if he had to go handle it personally.

“I knew nuclear bombs were bad. And if they were testing them at the North Pole, what was Santa going to do?” said Michelle in a phone interview with CBC News. “I just automatically thought I have to write [the President] and maybe he can do something about it.”

Her letter read:

Dear Mr. Kennedy,

 

Please stop the Russians from bombing the North Pole because they will kill Santa Claus.

I am 8 years old. I am in the third grade at Holy Cross School.

 

Yours truly,

Michelle Rochon.

She put the letter in the mailbox, addressed only to “President Kennedy, Washington, D.C.”

To her surprise, the President not only received the letter, but published a photo of him reading it. Her letter became nationwide news. And then, a few weeks later, a letter on White House stationery came in the mail for young Michelle.

(JFK Library | YouTube)

In case you don’t want to watch the video, this was the President’s reply:

Dear Michelle,

 

I was glad to get your letter about trying to stop the Russians from bombing the North Pole and risking the life of Santa Claus.

I share your concern about the atmospheric testing of the Soviet Union, not only for the North Pole but for countries throughout the world; not only for Santa Claus but for people throughout the world.

However, you must not worry about Santa Claus. I talked with him yesterday and he is fine. He will be making his rounds again this Christmas.

 

Sincerely,

John Kennedy

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Getting a reply from the President made her national news again.

Little Michelle was elated.

“All I understood was that he talked to Santa Claus and he was fine and he’d be coming around this Christmas,” she said. “President Kennedy said so. So, everything was good.”

Articles

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of Jul. 15

It’s the weekly memes call! Hit us up on Facebook if you want to send in your funny military memes.


1. Just wait until pilots start uploading screen captures of them capturing Pokemon at altitude (via Air Force amn/nco/snco).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
The best Charizards are at 20,000 feet.

2. “How do you keep a private busy for hours? Read below.”

(via Sh-t my LPO says)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

SEE ALSO: Afghanistan commanders says new rules allow U.S. troops to go on the offensive

3. It’s a little hard to roll armor sleeves, but we’ll figure it out (via Military Memes).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Just don’t let the material bunch up around your elbows. It might throw off your famous marksmanship.

4. Yeah, that’s about right (via Ranger Up Military and MMA Apparel)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Cluster munitions: For when you have a lot of f-cks to give.

5. “Ummm… I submitted that travel voucher.”

(via Maintainer Humor)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

6. I can no longer see these rhyming pairs without hearing Taylor Swift singing them (via Military Memes).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

7. The Army is easy as long as you’re always prepared (via Pop Smoke).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
I mean, setting an alarm would’ve been even easier, but whatever.

8. “I was the valedictorian.”

(via Devil Dog Nation)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

9. Not sure the guys in the first photo actually look any cooler than the ones in the second (via Air Force Nation).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
But at least they’re healthier. Those bottom airmen have jaundice or something.

10. One foot in each camp:

(via Sh-t my LPO says)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Maybe only the sailor’s left side has been promoted.

11. “We’re going to keep rehearsing this all day? Super-awesome-sweet.”

(via Pop Smoke)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

12. Just wait till he crushes the cans on his head (via Grunt Nation).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
Meanwhile, sergeant major just wants to know where the Marine’s cover is.

13. Pretty sure most recruiters will let you hunt Pokemon in the station if you take the practice ASVAB first (via Do you even Marine, bro?).

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
They’re catching you while you catch Mewtwo.

Articles

7 ‘Carls’ that every unit has to deal with

D-mnit Carl!


Everyone hates “Carl.” He’s that guy who won’t shut up during operations, or pushes buttons just to figure out what they do, or sometimes is just too eager to do stupid crap.

Unfortunately for everyone else, every unit has some version of Carl. Here are seven types that everyone runs into sooner or later:

1. The Carl who messes up a perfect thing

Oh, that Carl. Everyone is doing the right thing and nailing it, except for him. For instance, a daring commando raid in March 1941 landed in German-occupied Norway and managed to take prisoners, recruit new fighters, and damage infrastructure with only a single injury. That injury came from a man accidentally shooting himself in the thigh with a revolver. If his name wasn’t Carl, it should’ve been.

2. The Carl who always wants to screw around

 

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Pop smoke)

Everyone else is mission focused, but Carl is over there talking about fishing. Or wearing a funny prop. Or maybe even doing an accent while wearing a fake mustache. It would be hilarious back in the barracks. But since the squad is four steps away from a closed door and the fatal funnel, everyone really wishes he would focus up.

3. The Carl who won’t stop talking

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
(Meme via Decelerate Your Life)

Maybe it’s nerves, or maybe he was raised by overattentive parents, but this guy seems to think every moment is made better with his singing, sound effects, or commentary. Sure, some of his one-liners are pretty great, but it would seriously be better if he shut the f-ck up. For once.

4. The Carl who can’t get anything right

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via God D-mmit Carl)

The whole unit can go through four briefings and dozens of rehearsals, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that when push comes to shove, Spc. Carl is going to hit the trigger while trying to engage the safety.

5. The Carl who randomly plays with dangerous equipment

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
(Meme via Damnit, Carl)

Of course, that’s why he shouldn’t be touching anything dangerous. Unfortunately, this is the military and keeping Pfc. Carl safe near an armory is like trying to keep “that” uncle sober during a distillery tour. You’re going to fail, someone is getting burned, and the locals aren’t going to want to see you again.

6. The Carl who is an expert in everything but his job

This Carl is at least moderately useful. They could be an expert in physical fitness or maybe they’re a “good” barracks lawyer (actually knows more than 25 percent of the regulations they try to quote!). But still, they know jack and/or crap about their actual job. Need someone to actually purify some water? Don’t ask Carl, he’ll reach for the hand sanitizer and eye drops.

7. The Carl who always has somewhere to be (usually the smoke pit)

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19

(Meme via Shut Up, Carl)

Call for an extra mag or grenade during combat and you’ll understand why this Carl is the worst. You reach back for some extra firepower only to hear from one of the Joes that Carl is actually in the Humvee checking his Facebook messages or in the smoke pit puffing on a clove cigarette (yeah, he’s that guy). Hope you can still achieve fire superiority.

Humor

6 Christmas gift ideas for the Navy

Christmas time is here and that means spending a lot of time on Amazon.com looking for the best gift ideas for your friends, family, and other loved ones. This year, the armed forces could use a few gifts that you can’t buy online. These are a few things the U.S. Navy would like to find under the tree this holiday season:


6. Two repaired destroyers

2017 saw the Arleigh Burke-class guided-missile destroyers USS Fitzgerald (DDG 62) and USS John S. McCain (DDG 56) damaged badly in collisions. While nothing can undo the tragic loss of the 17 sailors killed in the collisions, undoing the hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of hull damage would make a nice gift.

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The Arleigh Burke-class guided-missile destroyer USS Fitzgerald (DDG 62) returns to Fleet Activities Yokosuka following a collision with a merchant vessel while operating southwest of Yokosuka, Japan. (Photo: U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 1st Class Peter Burghart)

5. More hulls in the water

As of today, the Navy has 279 deployable ships. This is the lowest total since 1916. While these ships are very capable, they are not capable of being in two places at once.

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USS Shiloh operating in the Philippine Sea (US Navy)

4. Beefed-up carrier air wings

Thirty years ago, the cutting-edge air wing was composed of 24 F-14 Tomcats, 24 F/A-18 Hornets, and 15 A-6 Intruders. Today, it’s 48 F/A-18C Hornets and F/A-18E/F Super Hornets. The Navy no longer has a carrier-borne, anti-submarine warfare aircraft – the S-3 Viking has been retired. A good replacement would be a second squadron of F-35C Lightnings per carrier.

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An F-35C Lightning II on USS George Washington during F-35C Development Test III. (Lockheed Martin photo)

3. More submarines

Russia is becoming a resurgent threat in the Arctic and the only warships that can be sent to counter it are nuclear-powered attack submarines. The United States currently commissions one or two Virginia-class submarines per year. Another sub or two per year would be a welcome Christmas present.

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The Virginia-class attack submarine USS Hawaii (SSN 776) enters Apra Harbor for a scheduled port visit. The Virginia-class submarines use pump-jet propulsion systems. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Corwin Colbert)

2. Real guided-missile frigates

The fact is, the Littoral Combat Ship is a nice pickup – for the Coast Guard. The Navy would have done a lot better to replace the Oliver Hazard Perry-class guided-missile frigates with something like Spain’s Alvaro de Bazan-class Aegis frigates.

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The Spanish Navy frigate Alvaro De Bazan (F 101) conducts a close quarters exercise near a U.S. Navy guided missile destroyer while underway in the Atlantic Ocean. (U.S. Navy photo by Photographer’s Mate Airman Eben Boothby)

1. No more buzzing

Russia, China, and Iran have all been buzzing Navy ships and aircraft this year. Some brand-new rules of engagement to discourage such dangerous stunts would look good under the tree.

BREAKING: US Marines discover crayon consumption cures COVID-19
In early 2017, a Russian plane buzzed a U.S. destroyer. (Photo from U.S. Dept. of Defense)

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