On Nov. 1, the CIA released a trove of files that former Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden had on his computer at the time of his death, and among them are children’s programs like “Tom and Jerry,” crocheting instructions, and the 2007 viral YouTube video “Charlie Bit My Finger.”
Although the majority of the documents, videos, images, and audio clips released by the CIA are related to bin Laden’s terror operations, some of the files are of a more benign nature. “Charlie Bit My Finger” appears under the file name “Tootin__Bathtub_Baby_Cousins.flv,” alongside numerous clips of the cartoon “Tom and Jerry” and Jackie Chan films. There are also instructions for crocheting butterflies, socks, and baskets.
The presence of so much children’s content can be explained by the fact that bin Laden was living with his family in the secret compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, where he was killed by US Navy Seal Team 6 in May 2011. Some of the videos in the files released by the CIA — like songs designed for children learning English — raise the possibility that bin Laden was schooling his children from the compound while he was in hiding.
Notably, the CIA decided not to release bin Laden’s large pornography stash in the Nov. 1 file dump.
Our U.S. military is considered one of the most skilled groups of men and women ever to be assembled. We live under strict rules and perform some intense duties that would make the average person shriek.
LOL. We said ‘duties.’
Although the military harshly engraves the importance of discipline into young recruits’ minds, most of the troops who chose to become infantrymen never really fully mature — and for good reason.
As combat veterans, we still laugh at the corniest of jokes and spend time doodling obscene images in random locations — just to elicit a small smirk.
Here’s why it okay to be immature, even if your platoon sergeant disagrees with us.
When you live with all guys for several years with next to no entertainment, your lack of professional focus can spark a creative side you never knew you had.
2. You fit right in with everybody else
It’s a pretty well-known fact that you don’t have to be a smart guy to earn a role in the infantry; you just have to show up. Being semi-immature is a plus since you’ll spend a lot of downtime cleaning and probably use a mop as a comedic prop to pass the time.
3. It allows you to determine if the infantry is really for you
Countless troops that serve in the grunts don’t build up a brotherhood because their personalities don’t mesh well with other infantrymen’s — but that’s okay.
The truth is, you’re not going to get along with everybody. However, if you don’t have a few immature bones in your body, chances are, you’re not going to enjoy any of your time in that MOS.
Live-action roleplaying is popular among nerds the world over. But what they don’t realize is that the military hosts their own LARPing events to prepare for war.
While training for real-life combat, it’s important that the military runs simulations that get as close to the real thing as possible. But, when you start to really break it down, it becomes clear that the government is spending tons of money on opportunities for advanced LARPing — as they should be.
Here, we have a group of infantry LARPers attacking an enemy town.
(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Pfc. Rachel K. Porter)
You’re just pretending you’re at war
Make no mistake, there’s plenty of purpose behind it but, at the end of the day, your life is in very little real danger. A lot of times, you’re shooting pretend bullets at pretend targets in a pretend country.
Even when you get real bullets, you’re still fighting a made-up military in a made-up country.
Here, we have a berserker class clearing the way for the warriors.
(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Pfc. Rachel K. Porter)
You dress up as your selected class
Whether you chose to be a berserker (machine gunner), a warrior (rifleman), or a mage (mortarman), you get to dress up as your character and carry real equipment.
The bonus here is that the government spends tons of money training you in your selected class.
You get to fire real rockets!
(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Aaron Henson)
You use real weapons
This is actually pretty cool considering that most LARPers don’t get to use real weapons. The government will spend lots of money for you to get a real weapon to use in your roleplay events, like Integrated Training Exercise (ITX). Meanwhile, not every LARPer is into live steel.
They’re there to create the most authentic of experiences.
(U.S. Army photo by Spc. Hubert D. Delany III)
You get to ride in helicopters to make the scenarios even more realistic. Sometimes, you’ll even get support from jets and tanks to truly sell an authentic experience.
Okay, so these props might be a tad cooler than getting to drink your own, real-life “health potion” that is probably just Sprite and grenadine…
They’re out there to help you… or hurt you.
(U.S Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Juan A. Soto-Delgado)
Other roleplayers are involved
When you go to ITX, they’ll bring in a bunch of people to act as townspeople and enemies. This makes the experience a lot more authentic, which makes it a lot more interesting and fun.
You can talk with these NPCs for extra experience.
(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Alexis C. Schneider, 2d MARDIV Combat Camera)
There are non-player characters
The roleplayers that get brought in for the purpose of acting as the townspeople are very interactive NPCs. You’ll go on a patrol through the town and they’ll offer information or things to buy. Be careful, though, some might be working with the enemy!
The Coyotes even wear special items to specify they’re game masters.
(Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Levi Schultz)
There’s usually a game master
In a lot of cases, there will be someone acting as the GM, there to make sure people aren’t cheating and everyone dies when they’re supposed to. They might come in the form of your company Gunny (or a Coyote in the case of ITX). They keep things fair and they’ll evaluate your performance after the event is over.
Here, we have two LARPers from different countries interacting in a dialogue.
(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Tiffany Edwards)
You get to roleplay with other countries
On a peacetime deployment, you basically go to other countries to train with their military if your unit is trustworthy enough for that responsibility. This means that you travel and meet with other LARPers as you share an event together.
Corpsmen and medics have to be the jacks-of-all-trades when they’re taking care of business. Under the watchful eye of their senior medical officers, “docs” have to execute their insane responsibilities at an efficient rate.
They’re asked to perform some impressive, life-saving interventions that would make a third-year medical student cringe.
They also get blamed for a variety of things they have no control over if they’re the lower man or woman on the totem pole.
It’s funny, considering all the good they’ve done throughout America’s history, that their fellow brothers-in-arms like to f*ck with them every so often by creating and perpetuating stereotypes.
Some of those stereotypes stick and get carried on forever!
So, check out four stereotypes platoon medics get freakin’ stuck with.
4. They joined just to look at other service members’ d*cks.
For the most part, that statement is inaccurate. However, there may have been a few medics, throughout the course history, who probably joined to catch a peek every now and again.
3. Navy Corpsmen are just Marine rejects.
As much as we dislike this one, Corpsman can’t help it if their Marines freakin’ love them and see them as equals. That being said, there are a few “docs” who joined because they couldn’t get into the Corps due to stupid tattoo policies — including yours truly.
Stupid, right? (Image from U.S. Marine Corps)
2. They love issuing out the “silver bullet.”
Nope! We can’t think of a single human being who explicitly enjoys taking another’s temperature via their butthole. Yuck! But they’ll do it if they have to.
If you’ve ever spoken to a recruiter, you know that they tend to say impressive things to get young men and women interested in joining their branch of service.
Many people call recruiters “used car salesmen,” but in all fairness, they’re just trying to make a living and fill their quotas. Experienced recruiters have unique ways of conveying information to make everything sound positive and exciting — it’s a freakin’ gift.
3. You can find his picture in any history book he wants.
You’ll find him when you’re flipping through one of your American history textbooks. Talk about subliminal advertising.
2. He can lead you to his office with a simple red balloon
Recruiters bust their asses trying to get young teens into their office just to pitch the idea of joining their branch. Once they’ve gotten your attention, they have no problem of secretly leading you off to their office.
Plus, they might have candy.
Follow the pretty balloon and enlist. (Image via GIPHY)
Recruiters are notorious for making military life seem freakin’ awesome and leave out certain terms, like “working parties.” Pennywise makes traveling through nasty sewers seem like the cool thing to do.
Let’s face it, Pennywise did say he has popcorn — and we like popcorn!
In 2012, a handful of nuclear scientists in Iran were (probably) surprised to find their computers had been taken over by a virus, a virus that caused their computers to turn on full volume — blasting songs by AC/DC.
“I am writing you to inform you that our nuclear program has once again been compromised and attacked by a new worm with exploits which have shut down our automation network at Natanz and another facility Fordo near Qom. There was also some music playing randomly on several of the workstations during the middle of the night with the volume maxed out. I believe it was playing ‘Thunderstruck’ by AC/DC.”
This isn’t the first time Iranian nuclear sites were hit with computer viruses in an effort to disrupt the nation’s nuclear programs. In 2010, a U.S.-Israeli virus called Stuxnet devastated Iran’s uranium enrichment centers and computer software infrastructure.
Playing “Thunderstruck” at full volume in the middle of the night, while annoying, certainly isn’t as destructive as the Stuxnet virus. That such malicious logic (as it’s known to military IT professionals) could penetrate Iran’s nuclear program so soon after the Stuxnet debacle just goes to show how vulnerable the program was.
So check out our list of stupid mistakes boots immediately regret during that special adjustment-to-active-duty period:
1. Talking back to a superior
Sometimes you feel the need to tell off someone higher ranking than you just to show your bros how tough you are. In many cases, the punishment given for that action can be worse than the crime committed.
Someone’s getting extra duty (Images via Giphy)
2. Marrying just for the benefits
Sure, the extra pay to buy beer for your friends sounds good now, but there are so many things that can go wrong right after saying the words, “I do.”
3. Sleeping with a grenade for your friend
We do a lot for our military brothers and sisters; this can include sleeping with someone’s friend as a personal favor.
This one is rarely a repeat mistake…
4. Over-sleeping and missing formation
It happens quite frequently, especially after a long night of drinking. I hope that sleep was worth it, because you’re gonna get reamed.
Being super cute won’t get you out of trouble every time. (Images via Giphy)
5. Getting caught with someone hiding in your trunk
After a set time, most military bases won’t allow people to enter the front gate without proper ID. So there’s only one way to sneak that special someone through security — stow them in the trunk.
Hopefully, your date will fit. (Images via Giphy)
6. Negligent discharge
Everybody wants to look cool while carrying a weapon around. But don’t be the one who accidentally fires the damn thing.
Keep your finger off the trigger until you’re prepared to fire. (Images via Giphy)
7. When you break something expensive because you don’t know how to work it
It happens, but now you either have to man up and face the situation or cover the mistake up somehow.
We love movies! That’s why producers spend millions of dollars making them. Sometimes the films we watch are so compelling, audience members believe every moment that is spoon fed to them is the truth.
We’re all guilty of falling for it. Many movie goers get sold on the narrative as the story unfolds across the big screen — even to the point where the performances feel true to life — and the delicate line between truth and fiction becomes too thin.
So check out these military myths that Hollywood puts in their movies and want us to think actually happen — but don’t fall for it.
1. Vietnam veterans are crazy
Movies and TV shows love to feature characters that had tough military careers and reverted to drinking to suppress the memories. This does happen in real life from time-to-time, but not to everyone.
Most who served during that era use their military experience to propel themselves and inspire others.
2. You throw your clean cover after a military graduation
It’s a lot of work to not only find the cover you just flung into the air but clean the grass stains off too.
Does anyone have a tide pen? (Paramount)
3. Cinematic deaths
They just don’t exist — but we tip our hats to filmmaker Oliver Stone (an Army veteran) for capturing this epic movie moment in 1986s Platoon.
How many rounds do you think he took? (Orion Pictures)
4. That one guy who can save the day
In the military, you train as a team and you fight as one, as well.
The debate isn’t if one single person can save another’s ass during battle — that frequently happens.
What we call bullsh*t on is when that single motivator springs into action and becomes the final denominator and leads them to victory as the rest of his team remains pinned down and losing the fight.
They have the need for speed (Paramount)
5. No one gets concussions…ever
We’ve seen countless movies where people get blown up by various sources of explosive ordnance and seem to recover right away (just watch any 80s movie). Since we want to believe the good guys are as tough as nails, they will just brush off the injury and carry on.
R. Lee Ermey is perhaps the most iconic Marine turned actor, notably for his vile-mouthed, brutal-yet-realistic portrayal of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman in Stanley Kubrick’s “Full Metal Jacket.”
If his Drill Instructor stare doesn’t whip you into a hardened killing machine in his live action roles, his voice alone will make you unf-ck yourself and stand at the “Gaht-Dayum” position of attention.
His voice acting would elevate your gaming experience and make playing them so much better. Here is why.
1. You will get things done
There’s hardly any video game character more annoying than Legend of Zelda’s Navi.
The Great Deku Tree senses evil approaching Hyrule. Instead of waking up to the annoying sound of: “The Great Deku Tree asked me to be your partner from now on. Nice to meet you,” imagine if you heard banging on a trash can and The Gunny shouting “On your feet, maggot! Reveille!”
Hyrule would be saved faster than you can say “Ooorah.”
2. You will try much harder
One of the most critically acclaimed video games of recent history is Dark Souls III; and it’s praised for intense level of difficulty.
You rest beside the bonfire before making your way back to fight the Lords of Cinder. You think you’ve finally gotten good enough to make it to the next bonfire. But then you stupidly roll off the cliff.
The sting of hearing “Any f-cking time, sweetheart” would hurt far more than reading “You Died.”
His ultimate ability would have to be his knife-hands.
4. You will be far more terrified
What’s more terrifying than realizing that no amount of bullets will work on Resident Evil 7‘s Jack when you fight in the garage? That moment you realize that the Drill Instructor is in your face for something, you know you did wrong.
May God have mercy on your soul, for he will not.
5. You will not make the same mistake twice
His voice would have worked in classic gaming with Super Mario Bros. as well. You fight your way through until you reach World 1-4. You think you’ve got this. You’ve beaten Goombas, Koopas, and even stopped Bowser.
Guess what? you just wasted everyone’s time by going to the wrong castle! Now get out there and get the right d-mn one!
6. You will learn every aspect of the game
If you expect to play online, it isn’t your weapon but a hard heart and your skill that kills. If your killer instinct is not clean and strong, you will lag at the moment of truth. You will learn from Gunny. Gunny will teach you to hone your skills and be a true killing machine.
7. Best of all, it will be authentic.
In all seriousness though, the level of authenticity would rise with the inclusion of R. Lee Ermey into any game that has anything to do with war. Think of how real “Full Metal Jacket“ was because he took over the role of Gunnery Sgt. Hartman. This will happen to any game he’s included in.
One of the most uncomfortable things for everyone involved is a urinalysis. Unfortunately, it’s an integral part of how the military tracks the health and welfare of its troops and ensures that no illicit substances damage unit integrity.
Take it from us, the only way to make peeing in a cup while your NCO watches less uncomfortable for you is to actively make them more uncomfortable. Now, this shouldn’t be too hard because nobody wants to be there in the first place, but we’ve got some pro-tips for you.
Some advice, though: If you’re a guy, don’t make size jokes. You’re just setting yourself for a slam like the one in Jarhead.
This one only works if you have time to prepare.
Eat nothing but beets and asparagus
Fun fact: Eating a bunch of beets turns your pee a bright red color. You’ll probably fool someone into thinking you’ve got medical issues with this trick. Also, asparagus makes your piss smell nasty and unpleasant if you’re looking to make things that much worse.
If you know a urinalysis test in in your future, like after block leave, try it.
Ask for some soothing music
Seriously, the observer doesn’t have any desire to be there either, so they’ll do whatever is necessary to speed up the process. Usually, they’ll turn on a faucet to help get you going. Soothing music wouldn’t seem like an unreasonable request.
That’s when you say, “now I’m in the mood! Let’s do this!”
If they aren’t paying attention, mess with them.
The observer’s job is to ensure that the urine leaves the body. If they’re giving you privacy, they’re doing it wrong.
Keep them on their toes and say, “You wanted a stool sample, right?” Or the classic, “I can’t do this without any magazines…”
Don’t break eye contact
A steady stream of eye contact is sure to make everyone involved very uncomfortable.
Get butt-naked to pee
Technically, the observer is supposed to make sure you’re not using a prosthetic. Yep, that’s right, because that’s a thing that dumb-f*cks have tried to get away with.
So, be extra helpful and make sure there’s no possibility that you’re using a fake by stripping all the way down.
“Stumble” while holding the filled cup in your hand
Just because you’ve finished the act doesn’t mean you have to stop messing with others.
If you pretend like you’re about to trip, everyone’s eyes will jolt open out of fear. You should be clumsier than infomercial people.
As service members, we get the opportunity to travel the world, see some amazing places, and witness some over-the-top events. We love to visually document the areas we visit and the unique people we encounter.
While we’re out seeing the world, some of those photos we snap are so well-timed that we end up creating unique, optical illusions within our compositions.
There may come a day when I stop making military Rick and Morty memes. But today is not that day!
To all the troops out there providing aid to the regions affected by Hurricane Irma, these memes are for you.
#13: Leave an infantry platoon alone for too long and it would probably start taking orders from a severed blow-up doll head.
#12: Recruiters never lie about “traveling the world and getting f*cked every day.”
#11: Toxic leadership is just like another thing that floats in sewers…
#10: Drop weapon. Carry on.
#9: Picking up women outside of a military base is like being a wolf in the arctic, fighting for any (barracks) bunny he can find. Leaving the military, you take that exact same wolf and throw him in a petting zoo.
#8: I swear, people from Florida are the LCpls of the civilian world.
#7: I don’t know which is more terrifying. Seeing a killer clown in the movie theater during a movie about killer clowns or seeing that clown you call “sir” in civilian clothes.
#6: Good going, Captain Ahab. You finally caught that whale!
#5: Still a better salute than most military movies (and a good quarter of the military)
#4: Come for the shirtless beach volleyball, stay for the 4 year contract.
#3: This dude is also probably the same Sergeant who hides in the smoke pit with the E-4s, lives in the barracks, and tries to set up a DD game while deployed.
#2: Drinking water, changing your socks, and staying motivated
#1: “Okay. Let me break this down again Barney style…”