Humor

5 messed-up ways troops welcome the new guy

The military is a close-knit family, built upon multiple generations of camaraderie and inside jokes. Whenever a new person is introduced into that family, they have decades of knowledge to catch up on.

Troops will always rib the new guy — it's their way of welcoming a new brother and sister.


Of course, just because it's time to share a life lesson or two doesn't mean troops will pass up the opportunity to have some fun at someone else's expense. The following techniques apply to anyone new to a unit — not just the boots.

For maximum effect, mess with the butterbars.

1. Teach them the unit's pace

The moment you meet a new guy is the perfect time to show them how things are done — first impressions and whatnot. Chances are, they've still got a lot of in-processing that needs to get done and they'll need a sponsor.

Now's your chance. You can make this go one of two ways: Move things along at a blistering pace and watch as the new guy tries to keep up or grind things down to a screeching, maddening halt. Choose whichever way more accurately describes your unit.

"Hurrying up and waiting" is the most valuable skill in the military

(Meme via /r/military)

2. Introduce them to their new unit

Your unit has been strengthened by years of bonding. Any dumb fights or petty squabbles have been lost to time. The new guy, however, is fresh meat. You get to relive all of those old jokes without letting them know you're joking.

For example, let the new guy know that the dude in supply isn't the sharpest tool in the shed — so they'll talk extremely slowly to them. Or inform them that the hard-ass First Sergeant really enjoys hugs if you go for one. The sky's the limit.

Everyone will find it funny. Totally.

(Meme via The Salty Soldier)

3. Introduce them to the unit after hours

Troops wear their hardcore alcoholism on their sleeve. If the new kid just graduated high school, the most they have to brag about is, likely, that one party where someone's dad gave them a beer. What better way to give them a more interesting story than subjecting them to possible liver failure?

This is the point where I should throw out there that, legally speaking, consumption of alcohol under the age of 21 is against the law, UCMJ action could be taken, and the MPs will bring the hammer down on those who provide alcohol.

But, you know... Not all military traditions are technically "legal."

Great way to get them up to speed on how PT is done in the unit as well.

(Meme via /r/military)

4. Show them the local landscape

You'd be amazed at how quickly someone learns geographical landmarks when they're lost. Even more so if they're on foot. It's like an impromptu land-nav lesson. Show them the company area and then swing by the Exchange for lunch. Then, out of the blue, you'll just happen to get an important call the moment they're out of sight.

It's a win-win scenario. They learn the area like the back of their hand and you get a break from babysitting.

If they're a lieutenant, everyone will just believe your story that they just "wandered" around post.

(Meme via /r/military)

5. Scavenger hunts!

There is no time-honored tradition tradition quite sending the new guy to retrieve one of the many items in the endless treasure trove of "completely real" things. Recruiters and older vets may try and take away the fun by letting the younger kids know that "blinker fluid" isn't real, but there are plenty more in the cache.

Get creative and reach for the obscure. Ask the radio guys for a "can of squelch" or the not-blatantly-obvious ID-10-T form. It may sound cruel at first, but on the "search," they'll be run around the company area, getting familiar with who does what and where things are kept.

Either way, the FNG probably won't get that you're messing with them, so have at it.

(Meme via Army as F*ck)