The relatable joys of having back pain under 30
Back pain is something that 80% of adults are expected to experience at some point in their life. For some, it comes much, much earlier — and the advantages are endless!
It's no secret that those who engage in manual labor from a young age are more susceptible to back pain. It makes sense then, that young vets are oh-so-lucky enough to be some of the chosen few with significant back pain while barely being young enough to crack open a cold one (legally).
Here are some of the fun benefits young back pain sufferers all experience!
You know what kinda day it's gonna be the night before!
Most people have to spill coffee on themselves or pour a bowl of cereal before realizing they don't have milk before they know they're going to have an awful day. With chronic back pain, there's no need to wait until 7am to figure that out — you'll know by 2am at the latest! Your unending nightmare of discomfort will let you know that tomorrow will, in fact, suck.
What a treat to know in advance!
You'll accrue advanced stretching knowledge!
Most under-30-year-olds know how to touch their toes. Maybe they'll occasionally grab a foot and stretch out their quads before a run. Not those with chronic back pain! Those lucky sons of guns have advanced knowledge of stretches so intricate and strange-looking it would make the author of the Kama Sutra blush.
You'll never need another excuse to avoid helping your friend move!
This one goes without saying. Gone are the days of saying, "Oh, uh, actually dude, I have to pickup my uncle from the airport" or "I would, but I actually told my girlfriend I would take her to shop for potted plants" or the vintage classic move of waiting until the day after and hitting them with, "I JUST got this text — still need help?" Nope. Now you can just tell them straight up you can't help. Not you "won't." You physically cannot.
You get a desirable "dad bod" without even trying!
Okay so there's not a lot of people that try to have a "dad bod." But for those who do — it can be difficult. Luckily, with chronic back pain, you can get a dad bod before you even have children! Spend hours not being able to get out of your rolly chair. Be unable to go on light jogs without immediately experiencing immobilizing muscle spasms. Then, eat away your feelings through endless bags of Cool Ranch Doritos. It's like having the opposite of your own personal Hollywood trainer.
You get the best seat in the house to watch your friends have fun!
You're playing basketball with your friends, you drive in for a layup, nobody touches you, and then wham: your back completely locks up on you for no reason whatsoever. Now you can't walk, let alone play. Sucks, right? Wrong.
Now you get to sit and watch all your friends air ball uncontested 3s — from the front row! Sound too good to be true? Don't worry, it'll happen plenty more times!
You can do a perfect impression of the AT-ATs from 'Star Wars!'
Impressions are hard. Star Wars impressions are especially hard. Don't believe me? Ask literally anyone to do an impression of Yoda. It will be terrible.
But with insane chronic back pain, you can constantly walk like an AT-AT! The lumbering, stiff, slow movement will wow all your friends. You'll get the posture of C3P0 for free, too.