Happy Hump day to all you crusty NCOs, overly enthusiastic corporals, dumb-ass butterbars, and all you other sh*tbirds, too. Noadamus here, so you best get to parade rest while I illuminate your path; my crystal magic is turned up to full auto. You know what, just drop and do pushups until I come back.
Yeah… Good luck, dude.
Life sucks and now you want me to tell you everything will be fine? Well, I’m not allowed to lie — this is the internet, after all — but that doesn’t mean you can’t lie to yourself. Just pretend everything will fine and it might actually get better. Not good, but not as terrible. You are stubbornly aggressive and you can excel at all things physical through next week. Just watch your mouth, private.
You are entering a long period of self-development. Fortunately, your usually-calm demeanor is right on time. Opportunities for professional development will fall in your lap. It’s the perfect time for Ranger school, which will definitely help you get promoted. Focus on your career this week, it will pay off soon.
Get off your ass, sailor; pull the fat pill out your mouth and get back in the gym. You like to chill, I totally get it, but it’s go time. You are a powerhouse this week, bordering on volatile, but if you can maintain your calm, you will impress the entire chain of command with your brutal pace. You have the willpower for high achievement this week and the physical strength to back it up. Don’t waste it, chief.
Live in the moment, kid. Just keep thinking about those Benjamins.
Work is probably the furtherest thing from your mind this week; you’re focused on Friday and some sort of secret rendezvous. Have fun, but if you put some of that energy into your job, you’ll be full of insight and lauded by your supervisors. Unexpected money appears out of nowhere and your duties this week will have you working alone.
Wednesday starts off okay for you, but it keeps getting better. Just remember, lieutenant, not everyone’s life is as perfect as yours is this week. Home life is peaceful with a few bumps on Friday, but Saturday has you in full baby-making mode, or ready for a secret tryst, or primed to make blood oaths to your beloved, or whatever weird sh*t you’re into. If you can avoid a bar brawl, you will probably have a blast.
Did you get dressed down at the commander’s briefing today? Don’t worry, tomorrow you will once again be the favorite sycophant in the battalion. A project you started some time ago pays off Friday, making you look amazing. If you get stuck working through the weekend, don’t fret. It will be awesome and you might even meet a new friend. Just remember, fraternizing is unacceptable, staff sergeant.
No one likes getting this reaction all the time. Not even from Ryan Gosling. Definitely not from you.
Repeat after me — ‘I will not point out everyone’s flaws when things don’t go my way.’ I know — it’s funny cause it’s true. Yes, your uniform is the most perfect. Yes, your barracks room is spotless, and yes, your tactical knowledge is unparalleled, but you are so critical even your friends will hate you this week. I promise, come Friday, if you have not alienated everyone, you will have the best weekend you’ve had in ages — promise.
You hate disruptions. Your entire staff knows this, all of your soldiers know this, heck, even the unit down the street knows this, but sometimes sh*t happens. Don’t freak out on everybody; the problem will solve itself by Friday, leaving you looking like a douche or the best boss ever. Your choice, Captain.
I’m not gonna lie, I am surprised you’re still alive with the way you treat yourself. Your body is not a dumpster and no one should drink that much alcohol. You are feeling unjustifiably invincible, but if you try to brawl without backup, it’s no bueno for your face holes. On the upside, you might find a side gig through your neighbors, maybe even a new romantic friend, too. So, make sure you don’t have a black eye…
Not your best look, hotshot. Keep it on the DL.
You are the luckiest SOB ever. Somehow, all of your financial problems get magically solved, everyone at the unit forgets you’re always drunk and you’re up from a promotion, and now your love life is perfect. Like, you might even think about sticking around for more than a week, perfect. I’d hate you if I wasn’t a Sagittarius too. Try not to brag about your perfect life.
Your week goes from soul-crushing to positioning you for world domination. Do you ever stop working? Secrets at work bring all sorts of troubles to light and you can’t murder everybody, so don’t make it worse by lying. Just look at anyone who asks you about it like they are the dumbest person you’ve ever met. You know, like how you treat everyone normally.
Why is no one paying attention to you? Has everyone forgotten how awesome you are? Don’t worry about your adoring fans and spend some time fixing your abode — by Friday, everyone wants to hang again. The downside is everyone will also find out whatever kinky roleplaying you’re into during your off time. Not that you care. In fact, it will probably just make you more popular.