Widgets Magazine

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of May 31st

Former Secretary of Defense, retired general, and Patron Saint of Chaos James Mattis has announced that he will be publishing an autobiography called Call Sign Chaos: Learning to Lead. It's said to cover him coming to terms with leadership learned throughout his military career starting from his days as a young Marine lieutenant to four-star general in charge of CENTCOM.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm freaking pumped. Yes, I'd love to know the nitty-gritty of commanding a quarter million troops, but I want to know about his lesser-known butter bar years leading a weapons platoon. Because let's be honest, that's where the seeds of his leadership style really grew.

He probably made mistakes and got chewed out for it. He slipped up and got mocked by the lower enlisted. He would have had to ask for advice and eventually grow into one of the smartest minds Uncle Sam has seen in a long time. Even the Warrior Monk himself may have been that nosy LT who needed to be whipped into shape by the platoon sergeant, and that's kind of motivating in its own way. Yeah, you may f*ck up once in a while, but not even Chaos Actual was a born leader. He had to learn it.

Just think. There's an old salty devil dog out there somewhere who's responsible for knife-handing the boot-tenant out of Mattis. And he's the real hero of this story.

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of May 24th

It's that time of year again: Memorial Day weekend. A solemn moment for the troops to reflect on those we've lost along the way and for our civilian friends and family to join us in honoring our fallen.

Now, I don't fault the civilians who just take the weekend to relax and barbecue as the summer officially starts. You'd be hard-pressed to find a single fallen troop who'd wish to take away someone's enjoyment. Sparking up the grill and enjoying friends and family is a big part of the American way of life that we fought for — and some paid the ultimate price for.

My gripe is with the complete oxymoron that is the phrase, "have a happy Memorial Day." It's just extremely awkward in context. Like, even if someone was a open-bar-at-my-wake kinda person, 'happy' and 'memorial' just don't really mesh.

So, I leave you with this... Have a good Memorial Day weekend, however you choose to spend it. Place flags at your local veterans' cemetery. Crack open an extra cold one for a fallen comrade. Start up the barbecue and tell the kids about the good times you had with your buddy who didn't make it back. If we're being honest with ourselves, they all would have wanted us to have a good day in their honor.

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of May 17th

I've already made up my mind that if the Space Force starts opening up its doors to include combat arms within my lifetime, I'd be at the recruiting office in a heartbeat. It doesn't matter that knowing how I'd react, I'd probably be a random Red Shirt who'd have his back turned at the worst possible moment and say something ironic like "the coast is clear!" before getting eaten by something.

Then Senator Ted Cruz in a Senate hearing advocating the Space Force planted the ultimate idea in my head... Space Pirates. Sure, the memes were taken slightly out of context because he was referring to rogue nations attacking satellites and not the swashbuckling buccaneers we're thinking of. But is it a bad thing that kinda makes me want to join the Space Force even more?

It'll take far too long for us to make first contact with aliens yet it'll only take a few decades for space travel to be affordable enough for us to get down on some Firefly or Babylon 5-type action. We're counting on you, Elon Musk. Make this dream come true!

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of May 10th

By now you've more than likely heard the news that there was a soldier who fell into the Kilauea volcano. His identity hasn't been made public, and it's probably for the best. What is known is that he ignored all of the railings and safety protocols put in place that normal tourists follow, and then he fell 70 feet into the pit.

Before everyone starts worrying about volcano safety briefs coming soon to your obviously volcano-free installation, just know that the only bit of information that we know of him is that he was an officer. Which makes absolute sense and I'm going to go out on a limb and imply that he was the type of officer who wouldn't go to weekend safety briefs anyways.

Well. The Hawaii County Fire Department chief has said that "He obviously is doing remarkably well for his fall; only time will tell what injuries he has." So knowing that he's not in any grave danger - that opens the door for any and all ridicule! Because it takes a certain type of ASVAB-waiver to commission someone who's willing to look at all of the signs saying it's a freaking volcano and all the railings around said volcano only to say "This selfie will look cool as f*ck on my Instagram!"

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of April 26th

I'm calling it now. This weekend will be one of the quietest weekends in recent history. Why? It has nothing to do with 2nd MARDIV's insane level of micromanaging and everything to do with how lower enlisted troops think.

For starters, it's a non-pay day weekend for the second time in a row. Less shenanigans when everyone is broke as Hell. Secondly, NCOs will know exactly where everyone is located at any given moment. Friday night? They're all out seeing Avengers Endgame. Saturday afternoon? In the barracks playing the new Mortal Kombat game. Saturday night? Probably seeing Avengers again. Sunday? Too hungover (I said quiet, not uneventful) and Sunday night will be Game of Thrones.

If you're an NCO trying to find a good reason to cheer up your sergeant major, pointing out the lack of blotter reports on their desk will surely help.

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of April 19th

It looks like the Department of Defense is finally retiring the Cyber Awareness Challenge training. Sure, it's outdated, uses graphics from the early 2000s, and barely scratches the surface of cybersecurity in a world where new threats emerge every other minute. But the campiness is what made it so ridiculous that it was enjoyable.

I just want to throw out there that everyone freaking hated that training when it came out. Eventually, everyone started to like it in spite of it being silly - kind of like Tommy Wiseau's The Room. Then as soon as too many people started to actually enjoy the ridiculousness of it... They pull the plug on it.

Coincidence? I think not.

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of April 12th

There was a study conducted recently by the CDC and the Delphi Behavioral Health Group that concluded that the U.S. Military beats out literally every other profession in days per year spent drinking. If you roughly equal out the days spent with the total number of troops, that puts us at 130 days on average, compared to the 91 day average for every other profession.

And, I mean, it makes absolute sense. No other profession has a culture around drinking like the military. It's not "drunk like an interior designer" or "drunk like a software developer." Toss a bunch of them into a barracks with nothing to do but drink after a long and stressful day, and you'll see their numbers rise too.

So raise a glass, folks! I'm damn sure we've managed to keep that number one position since 1775 and won't let go of it until the end of time!

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of April 5th

It's not that I have anything against the good-natured jokes of April Fool's Day, it's just that I don't believe anything for an entire day. Sure, you have your ridiculous ads from companies, like the McPickle burger from McDonald's, but then there's the ones that sound plausible until you stop and think about it for more than a second.

Tom Brady saying he's going to retire? The dude still has four more fingers to go. Lockheed Martin saying they now have the technology to smell Space? That's not how Space works. The Army announces that it'll take the well-being of the troops into consideration and allow them to wear protective masks, under AR 670-1, in areas of with hazardous air quality? Good one.

Keep reading... Show less

The 13 funniest military memes for the week of March 29th

Recently, a Marine was kicked out of a wedding for wearing his Dress Blues instead of a regular suit and tie. According to the post on Reddit, he was polite and gentlemanly but was asked to leave because he didn't follow the dress code and the bride felt he was taking the spotlight away from the marriage.

There's still a lot of other variables that aren't really known that could really determine who's the a**hole in this situation. If he was pulling a "you're welcome for my service" routine, totally justified. If he didn't have any other suit and tie, he could have probably explained that. If he was flexing his bare pizza box and two ribbons, he's a douche. Since he was a friend of the groom, did he ask first? So on and so forth.

I'm personally of the mindset that he didn't follow the uniform of the day and weddings are one of those things where you just nod and agree with the bride. But that's ultimately pointless since this wedding has no bearing on my life.

Keep reading... Show less