MIGHTY CULTURE

Here's what other branches could do with Air Force's budget for a single coffee cup

Because of course the Air Force is spending $1,280 per mission-critical mug.

In a recent scandal, the Air Force came under fire for reportedly spending over $300,000 on specialized, fragile coffee cups. That's right — the Air Force has been buying, breaking, and replacing cups that reheat liquids in air refueling tankers mid-flight at the low, low price of $1,280 a pop.

But one of the most peculiar things about this scandal is how civilians are shocked and outraged, while those in the military aren't batting an eye. Why? Because of course the Air Force has that kind of money to blow on stupid crap. And of course they'd be spending exorbitant amounts of money on coffee cups. In fact, it's probably the most Air Force thing on the planet.

To be fair to the airmen, we get that it's important for your KC-10 Extender to have nice, warm coffee to keep you alert on long flights. We get it — but, seriously? You guys get to toss out broken, four-figure coffee mugs while we're training with sticks and tape?

You guys should just give us the money. The other branches would find a better use for that much-needed cash.


Navy

Every branch likes to talk about how much they consume, but the expression is "drink like a sailor" — not "drink like a soldier." A fact that, as a soldier, I am sour about. Nearly every single time sailors get shore liberty, they're out proving this stereotype true. But beer costs money.

Let's say it costs around $100 for a keg of beer. That means, rounding down, we'd be able to get 12 kegs for the price of one Air Force coffee mug. At 15.5 gallons of beer per keg, that gives us a grand total of 186 gallons of beer, which would mean one hell of a Friday night for the 340 enlisted sailors aboard a Ticonderoga-class Guided Missile Cruiser.

Cheers.

Judging from the sailors I know and work with, that may only be enough to get the party started...

Marine Corps

If there's one thing Marines love more than talking about how bad they have it compared to other branches, it's shooting. So, it should come as no surprise that, given some extra cash, they'd buy some ammunition to hit the range and prove that every Marine is, indeed, a rifleman.

At 30 cents per round, the cost of one specialized cup means roughly 4,266 rounds — which would give a platoon of Marines a single afternoon of fun.

It's funny how all the Marines will get to shoot but those 4000+ rounds will all be police called by six or so lance corporals.

(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Tommy Bellegarde)

Army

The Army is a hodgepodge of different people, professions, and missions, so it's kind of hard to find one unifying thing that connects all soldiers together — except for an undying love for the one thing that gets the specialists ready for war: energy drinks.

At the cost of about dollar per full-sized can, you'd be able to get an entire brigade's E-4 mafia a round of the "official soft drink of war!" (trademark pending).

You do what you gotta do downrange — even if it means weekly kidney stones.

(U.S. Army photo by Sgt. 1st Class Jb Jaso)

Coast Guard

The Coast Guard is a branch of the United States Armed Forces, despite being under Homeland Security and not the Department of Defense. And, despite the fact that they're generally seen as the smartest branch (considering their high ASVAB score requirements), we're sure that Coasties are also debilitating alcoholics who try to pick up strippers in the Mustang they're paying for at a 28% interest rate. That's the true test of a troop's "realness."

So, if there's one thing that pisses off Coasties more than anything, it's having their branch status brought into question.

For the bulk price of $159.99 per 500 copies, the Coast Guard could buy 4,000 single-sided pieces of paper that simply read, "the Coast Guard is a real branch. Change my mind" and drop that sh*t from a MH-65 Dolphin like they're on a PsyOps mission.

Or it could be used to post bail for the Coastie who started a fight at the local bar with someone who mocked their branch. Personally, I believe this would be more effective at proving their "realness."

(Coast Guard photo by Petty Officer 2nd Class David R. Marin)