Hey Noadamus, how did you get so wise? Were you always so enlightened? If I study at the feet of the master, can I hope to become as wise as you one day? Should I take up a musical instrument? What sort of stocks should I day trade in?

You ask a lot of damn questions. What are you, Congress?


Enough of that noise; let's jump into what's important here: your future.

Pisces

Life is even better than you can imagine and the best part is that it's only getting better. But alas, nothing is simply all good or all bad, and this time of growth and prosperity will wane. Don't waste it, because what goes up must also come down. Even though you might have some struggles today, they are minor and tomorrow looks better and brighter.

Aries

Maybe do this privately. In front of your mirror. Not on the corner at rush hour.

It is rather difficult to picture how things could get better than they are right now, and if that is your viewpoint then it will be true, but if you can open your mind to the possibility of even greater improvement, you will experience it. Just try not to rub your perfect life in everyone's face — that's just rude.

Taurus

You should practice finding peace in chaos because you are about to experience a sh*tload of it. I mean, so much effin' chaos and discord that it will challenge your deepest well of calm. Best course of action? Remember there are things outside of your control and let them go. The only thing you can control are your choices.

So, you can choose to develop an even deeper well of calm or choose to erupt when angered or annoyed by the almost-unlimited stressors in your life. This week, regardless of what you choose, you will be incredibly successful either way. So, choose wisely.

Gemini

You know what I like about you? When you have something to say, you always say it. Hell, even when you don't have something to say, you say that, too. You should really try not saying something, and instead, try listening. In fact, you should try to speak less overall this week, you may find yourself revealing things which are completely inappropriate. This is not just a possible embarrassment, but an incredibly damaging event which could ruin your career. If you wouldn't say it in front of your grandmother or the chaplain, don't say it at all this week.

Cancer

We get it. You're sad. Move on.

You may find yourself filled with nostalgia for a person or situation from your past. You may even fool yourself into believing that you want this person or situation back in your life, but you need ask yourself this very important question: Do you truly want this back in your life because you miss it from your life or is your current situation not going the way you hoped and are wishing for better times gone by? You may find yourself rethinking the wisdom of returning to someone or something which you have already let go.

Leo

What is a captain without the crew? A star without fans? If the captain neglects the crew, he or she may find himself walking the plank. And a star without fans is a star no more. While you may believe yourself completely independent of others, this is a falsehood to the extreme. Don't forget about the little people, you depend on them far more than they depend on you. Be extra kind to folks this week, you'll thank me for it later.

Virgo

My Virgo brothers and sisters, just because you are stressed doesn't mean you should tear yourself apart for every tiny little flaw. You're only human. Allow yourself some grace and try talking nicely to yourself once in a while. Financial problems at home cause conflicts with your career. Don't say anything you wouldn't want the unit EO rep to overhear because this week, everyone will be repeating any dirt you speak aloud.

Libra

We're all just as sick of your indecision as you are.

OMG. It's hard to be so tall, and attractive, and successful, and, on top of that, you have two incredible opportunities to select from and you can't decide. You know if you pick one the other option is not possible. Please stop trying to make everyone feel sorry for your dilemma. It's beneath you. Just shut the F up and make a decision already.

Scorpio

I'm not one to judge people for their deviant behavior, but recently you have been a tad bit out of control. Instead of snowballing, this current pattern of behavior into something worse, you can pull the breaks and save yourself from doing something that will leave a serious lasting mark. Have you ever seen that movie where that dude doesn't touch himself or anyone else below the belt for 40 days? Try it, but let's start small and aim for a week. You can do it, I believe in you.

Sagittarius

Seriously, do your effin' laundry, Private. Just because you fall in a pile of sh*t and think you smell like roses, doesn't mean you really do. In fact, it means you're covered in crap. So this week, clean yourself up, hit the laundromat, and try drinking something other than booze. Like, I don't know, water maybe? Just a thought.

Capricorn

Yeah, we see you on your way to ruin everyone else's lives.

It's hard to be you, seeing how things should be done and wondering why you have yet to be promoted to Sergeant Major of the Universe so you could implement your plans, but such is life here on earth. Your genius will continue to be unrecognized this week, but you will probably continue to be a terrible human to everyone you meet as the chaos of life overwhelms you. So take a deep breath and try not to such a prick; things will improve, at some point. Okay, that last part about things improving is a lie, but… I got nothing, good luck with that.

Aquarius

Wow, I want to lie say I'm not impressed, but the bylaws of the intrawebs and my contract with the big guy forbids it. So, good job skating through the nonsense of your life relativity unscathed. It is impressive, inspiring even. However, just because your lack of planning and your tendency to wing it has been successful in the recent past, this doesn't mean that method will hold up this week. Even your luck has limits - don't test 'em, not this week, at least.