Dear dumbass,

Even though I am a prophet, you can't base your entire life off a horoscope, no matter how badass and totally true it is. You might have to make some decisions on your own. I know, that's scary and you might make mistakes. I can't be there to hold your hand. At least, not unless you pay me, a lot, cause you're pretty f'ed up.

Anyway, don't be such a soup sandwich. You're embarrassing me.

Sincerely, Noadamus.


Pisces

Maybe live in the real world this week. For once.

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Remember all those times you fantasized about how great your life would be if the universe provided the perfect opportunity? That time is here, and if you don't go for your goals right now, you will have missed an incredibly powerful time for growth and achievement. Your perceived career and money problems seem to be looming over your head, but they'll pass without consequence if you don't do anything impulsively. You are positioned for incredible advancement, but all you can think of this weekend are lustful thoughts. Just don't break the bank or do something in public your mom would find distasteful, because this week it will definitely end up on the internet.

Aries

You only get rewarded if you actually do the right thing.

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Leaders don't do the right thing because someone is watching. A real leader does the right thing all the time—when things are good and when things are sh!t. They also never stop improving, even when things are going great. Don't get complacent; just because you hope everything you do will work out perfectly, doesn't mean it will. If asked to work alone or in secret, do it and do your work to the higher standards. You will find yourself in unexpected leadership roles.

Taurus

Work before play...

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This week finds you focused on friends and events, maybe planning to see some live music or something. Don't plan a trip just yet. Remember that thing where you have to put on a uniform and play military? This week forces you to find balance between your increasing need for freedom and work which must be redone. The fact this mess was not your doing is inconsequential. You must fix the mistakes of others, and you must do so perfectly. Try to be a good leader and don't cry about it while you work. Everyone else will be inspired by your example, and you may even enjoy yourself.

Gemini

Someone's allllllways watching.

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Okay Private, let's do this again. Literally, you will be asked to return to something you believed was complete. Just got back from a deployment? The field? A float? You might have to go back. Do whatever the task requires and try not to tell too many lies this week. Your web of deceit is more likely to trap you than your prey. This weekend brings all the adult entertainment you could hope for, especially if you are traveling. Have fun, but be respectful—you never know who is lurking about watching.

Cancer

Maybe just... take a vow of silence this week.

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This week finds you re-examining the past, again. On top of that nonsense, your decision-making ability concerning money is terribly flawed and emotionally driven. Don't burn any bridges no matter how much you would like to this week; just focus on the little things and keep your head down. If you find yourself involved in a romance with someone other than your primary relationship, keep it on the DL, and you will probably get away with it this week. As long as you don't leave a paper trail, anyway, so hide those receipts and don't tell your friends about your illicit fling, that is.

Leo

Whatever your go-to move is, your game is on point.

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Oh yeah, it's about time us Leos got some love, pun intended. If you are single and looking for a friend, or relationship, or repeat from your past you are likely to find it. In fact, even if you are not looking for it, it will probably find you. Time with your friends will lead to romantic opportunities. Oh yeah, don't forget about your oath of enlistment; this week it's low on your priority list, but your relentless work ethic coupled with powerful aggression positions you for career advancement.

Virgo

Bring. It. On.

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If you get the opportunity for advanced training this week, jump on it. Even if you have to forgo something you really want. It will not only pay off, it will be way more fun than you were expecting. If the training involves shooting, blowing stuff up, or punching people in the face, you will not only excel, but will probably end up as the honor grad. Have fun and remember the only person you should expect perfection from is yourself. As long as you remember—while perfection is the goal, it is an unreachable one.

Libra

Come on, it's just some desperately needed character building.

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Does a squad leader have to pull a midnight guard shift or is that the work of the lower enlisted swine? Trick question, but you might want to review the NCO's creed. Anyway, I'll tell you the answer: Yes, you do. There is a good chance it will feel like the only thing that exists this week is work, but that's not totally true. This is a time to focus on your duties, but your pleasant attitude and willingness to do things you normally feel are beneath you will endear you to others and lead to all sorts of travel and romance opportunities.

Scorpio

Just remember how you felt the first time you watched the Miracle of Life.

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Hey corporal, are you trying to make a baby? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but didn't they show you that video about where babies come from in Boot Camp? Let me know if you need me to send you a link so you can review it. Other than your sloppy finances and questionable morals, things are looking up for you. Your home and family life are pleasant and engaging. You may find a positive change in your daily duties. Lateral transfer, perhaps?

Sagittarius

Bad Sagittarius. Put it down.

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You win a four-day pass for crushing the SGM's PT event? Go visit your family. You will have a bunch of your favorite thing, Fun. Promise. You might even get someone to show you how to do your laundry. No matter where you find yourself this week, get out and explore the local area, even if you've been everywhere a million times before. Surprising excitement awaits you. Just don't overdraft your account again while enjoying yourself.

Capricorn

There, there, it'll all be over soon. Uhhh... we hope.

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Remember how life has been kicking your ass recently? There is a light at the end of the tunnel. This week starts with no apparent end to the problems you have been dealing with, but by next week things start to improve, slowly at first, then gaining momentum rapidly. However, there will continue to be one thing hanging over your head through next week; just accept what you cannot control. Besides, it has to be resolved eventually. I think…..

Aquarius

We both know you can't help it, but for the love of God. Please skip the melodrama.

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This week, you might find your military duties getting in the way of your favorite hobby—going out and spending time in public with as many different people as possible. On top of that, you are forced to work in isolation and in secret. You're not gonna die. I mean not from working by yourself, but eventually yes, you will die. To make it worse you will have an old friend, or maybe a new one, drop by this weekend to 'catch up and stuff' and come Monday they will not want to leave. We all know how you feel about 'long term relationships,' and it will restrict your freedom far too much.