On September 4, 2018, the Secretary of the Army signed a memo that shifted the Earth under the U.S. Army by declaring that the Safety Brief, a longtime weekend ritual of every formation across the primary land forces of these United States, was no longer required.
For soldiers everywhere, the news was met with a sudden intake of breath and widening of the eyes.
And then, after careful reading, an eye roll and long sigh — because the memo only removed the requirement for the safety brief, it didn't prohibit them. So, yeah, most soldiers are probably still getting safety briefs every weekend. But, through a network of squirrels, pigeons, and the occasional honey badger, WATM has learned about these 7 events that totally happened since the safety briefs were dropped at some units:
1. An unknown Fort Bliss corporal stole everything he could get his hands on, including the flagpole
An investigating officer enters one of the stolen Army wreckers.
(U.S. Army Sgt. 1st Class Michel Sauret)
An unidentified corporal assigned to Fort Bliss, Texas, went on a wild crime spree, stealing everything from a humvee to the keys to the dropzone to the physical flagpole from which the base colors fly. That last theft was only made possible by the multiple wreckers which he stole beforehand. Worse, the corporal ate the dropzone keys, and has not yet passed them.
When reached for comment, a Fort Bliss spokesman would only mutter, "We didn't even think the dropzone could be locked. How the hell are we going to train there, now?"
2. A fireteam from Drum invaded Canada under the incorrect assumption that "it's basically polite Russia"
No, it doesn't make any sense that a sergeant first class led the fireteam, but this article is clearly satire — of course there are no real photos of the fireteam entering Canada.
(U.S. Air Force Senior Airman Haley D. Phillips)
Meanwhile, at Fort Drum, a single fireteam, working under the assumption that all countries under a certain temperature are basically Russia, invaded Canada with no warning, capturing two banks, a law office, and the Chamber of Commerce of a large town before the Canadian Army arrived and eventually captured them despite heavy losses.
The Fort Drum commanders quickly apologized, but were surprised when the Canadians simply offered to fly the fireteam to Moscow just to "see what the little hellions can do there."
3. Pvt. Skippy of Joint Base Lewis-McChord went on a rampage
A rapid response team made up entirely of officer candidates were the first on scene after Pvt. Skippy's actions were reported. They apparently took the threat of his captured "Charizard" seriously, while local NCOs shook their heads in disbelief.
(U.S. Army National Guard Maj. Matt Baldwin)
A common refrain of the weekend safety brief is, "Don't beat your fish, don't beat your dog, don't beat your neighbor's dog. You can beat something else of your own, but not your neighbor's — unless it's consensual."
Apparently, that was the only thing stopping Pvt. Skippy, because he attacked every animal he could find in the vicinity of the barracks, according to MP reports. When apprehended, he explained that he was "playing Pokemon Go when the damnedest Pikachu showed up. It was all brown, smaller, and eating acorns," and he asked the MPs why they hated video games.
His toxicology report has not yet come back.
4. Three bars and two stripclubs have been declared total losses in the Fort Hood area
By all reports, the girls, girls, girls survived, but will have to find new work in the harsh light of day.
(Rick Hall, CC-BY 2.0)
Base officials aren't talking about what happened at a series of business right outside of South Fort Hood last weekend. At most, you can hear them mutter things about "tornadoes" and "wildfires" under their breath as they rapidly walk away.
But, insurance companies on the hook for the damages have pointed out that every damaged business caters to soldiers, was operating normally on Friday, and was expecting a slow weekend since the weather was normal and it wasn't a paycheck weekend.
Instead, five businesses have been completely demolished and are currently littered with debris, broken teeth, and a few stray dog tags.
5. Multiple detention specialists at Guantanamo Bay are facing charges of renting out cells on Airbnb
It only took one report of less-than-horrible meals at the facilities for the senior brass to know something was up.
(U.S. Army National Guard Sgt. Zach Tomesh)
With the low numbers of prisoners currently housed at Gunatanamo, some specialists there apparently decided that a rules-free weekend was the perfect time to transition empty cells into small apartments, renting out the rooms to tourists on Airbnb.
The scheme was discovered quickly as guests kept wandering into the facility's kitchens to steal ingredients and oven space for their personal meals. When soldiers on base started enjoying the food that came out, the brass knew something was up.
6. Every D.A. civilian in North Carolina has contracted an STD
Fort Bragg Paratroopers are tested for the new STDs. With an average of less than two infections per soldier, the situation is much closer to normal than epidemic specialists had dared to hope for.
(Department of Defense Brenda Gutierrez)
In a surprise twist on Fort Bragg, every Department of the Army civilian has contracted at least one STD, despite the fact that no one was trying to sleep with them.
Experts from the Center for Disease Control are working off the theory that the soldiers went so crazy when they weren't reminded to not sleep with strippers, spouses, and local women, that they created a cross between multiple major STDs and an upper respiratory infection that was prominent in Fayetteville, N.C. at the time, allowing the previously sexually transmitted diseases to become airborne.
Either that, or the paratroopers left so much fluid on all of the base's surfaces that now it's just dangerous to be on or near the installation.
7. A new memo has been drafted making the safety brief mandatory once again
Amidst all the chaos, the Department of the Army is quietly preparing to reinstate the mandatory brief, hopefully while they still have an army to administrate. While retention rates have suddenly jumped, hospital admissions and police bookings have more than wiped out the retention advantage.
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