Widgets Magazine
MIGHTY CULTURE

How the Space Force could conduct an airborne assault on the moon

(Modified from Do You Even Jump?)

Look, we all hope that Space Rangers will be elite, Buzz Lightyear-types but with tattoos and lethal weapons instead of stickers and blinking lights. But if they're going to be Buzzes, they have to learn to fall with style. And in the U.S. military, that means airborne school.


I will not apologize. This entire article exists because this meme stopped me in my tracks.

(Facebook/Do You Even Jump?)

But being airborne is going to be hard for the Space Force since, you know, there's almost no air on the Moon's surface. It has about 1 trillionth the air molecules per volume that the Earth does.

"But Logan!" You say, interrupting me and randomly guessing my name because you definitely did not read the byline before scrolling to here. "There's also no gravity on the moon! So what does it matter?"

Well, the moon does have gravity, enough to accelerate a human at 1.62 meters per second squared. If a Space Ranger jumped from a Space C-130 at 800 feet, their parachute would do approximately jack plus sh-t. But the force of gravity would pull them to the moon's surface at a final speed of 92.22 feet per second. That's like falling from a 13-story building on Earth.

But we still have to kill the Moon communists! Right?

Right.

We're not suffering those bastards to live. So we have to get the Space Rangers there somehow. So, here's a radical counter-proposal: Screw jumping out of the plane, we're going to rocket out of it a bare 60 feet from the surface. And the rockets aren't pointed at the moon's surface; they're pointed at the Space C-130, hereafter known as the Space-130.

Remember those old videos of LAPES, the Low-Altitude Parachute Extraction System? Tanks were deployed from C-130s with just three parachutes. The plane flew so low to the ground that a parachute wasn't needed to stop its fall. The parachutes were there to pull the tank out of the plane.

So instead of dropping Space Rangers out of a plane with jetpacks to slow them down vertically, we're going to shoot them out the back of the Space-130 in capsules holding 13 Rangers each. The rockets would fire horizontally to stop the capsule's forward movement immediately after it separated from the Space-130.

At 60 feet from the ground, the capsule would fall to the surface in less than five seconds and would hit with the same force of it falling from 10 feet on the Earth. Screw parachutes, the Rangers would be safe sitting on a nice pillow. And they would already be massed in squads of 13 to use their space weapons against the moon communists.

But the Space Rangers all still have to complete Airborne School at Fort Benning and conduct five normal jumps anyway. We'll call it leadership training or something.