Whether you're on a small FOB — let's face it, most airmen won't be here — or a military base, Afghanistan deployments can either be the most boring or a little bit exciting, depending on how you play your cards. Okay, fine — it's going to be a little boring no matter what.
That reminds me, you will probably play a lot of cards.
Yes, deployments are most often filled with binge-watching TV on time off or working out multiple times a day, but these are some tips that can make time in the sandbox a little more exciting.
That is, if you can get away with them and not get an Article 15 or court-martial.
4. Alcohol in mouthwash bottles.
Everyone knows that drinking while deployed is against general orders — meaning this you could get in heaps of trouble if you're dumb and get sh*t-faced. Tip: Don't be dumb.
It's easy to get alcohol into Afghanistan if you utilize everyday items to smuggle it in and send it through regular mail. Just don't go around swigging out of the mouthwash bottle or else someone is going to figure out what's up.
It's not just for cruise ships and prisons anymore!
And if you're going to share, make sure the ones you share with don't f*ck it up by opening their mouths to supervisors.
3. Befriend a loadmaster.
Okay, okay — this might only work if you have access to a loadmaster or if you work near the flightline, but networking saves the day in dire times.
Make friends with a loadmaster — or heck, even a pilot — and they'll willingly bring you back anything you want from wherever they go, probably for a price. Obviously, you'll pay the price of whatever they bring back, but you might find yourself owing them a favor later (No, not that kind of favor, sicko. Just be willing to help them when they need it).
Spot the contraband in this photo. (Hint: It's green). (U.S. Air Force photo)
2. Hang with the foreign military.
Any chance you can spend time with military personnel from different countries, do it. New Zealand is particularly delightful because they can drink on deployment and their accents are easy on the ears (ladies).
If David Boreanaz were in a military, he would join the New Zealand Air Force and fit right in. Just sayin'.
Besides the allure of alcohol and the accents, getting to know others from other countries just opens up new lines of communication, and meeting people kills time. You might also end up with some cool challenge-coin swag and squadron T-shirts by the end of deployment.
1. Last Resort: O'Doul's at the BX and binge watch TV shows.
If you're not daring enough to do any of the above for fear of a court-martial or an Article 15, stick with a couple of O'Doul's non-alcoholic beers and watch movies on your laptop or smartphone. The Air Force Exchanges are notorious for selling almost anything you can get at a Walmart, so go wild, go crazy, and buy some fake beer.
The only acceptable surrender.
It might sound boring and pointless, but at least there are no general orders being broken. So, airman, crack open that O'Doul's and re-watch Dexter for the third time, because that might be as good as it's going to get.