Widgets Magazine

7 terrifying enemy weapons that probably suck

There are so many terrifying weapons that have come out in the last few years or are going through testing now that make it seem like the next war, no matter where it happens, will see friendly troops fighting a "War of the Worlds"-type conflict against unstoppable foes.

But many of these new weapons are either over-hyped, impossible to make work, or prohibitively expensive. In no particular order, here are seven of them you can probably stop worrying so much about:


1. That new nuclear-powered missile

Russia's new Burevestnik will be the scariest doomsday weapon in the world if it can ever fly more than 22 miles.

(Military Aviation)

The Burevestnik is Russia's splashy, new, nuclear-powered, nuclear-armed missile announced in a March press conference. In theory, this weapon would spew nuclear waste over a large area as it swiftly maneuvers past enemy air defenses and levels an unknown enemy capital (that's obviously Washington, D.C.).

For all of you kept awake by night terrors, feel free to suck down some NyQuil and enjoy the dreams, because that missile barely works. And by barely, we mean that its "unlimited range" is actually 22 miles, otherwise known as 878 miles less than a U.S. astronaut will drive in a diaper to win a love triangle. 'MURICA!

2. China's stealth jets, J-31 and J-20

China's Shenyang J-31 fighter will murder all the things.

The J-31 and J-20 would challenge the F-35 and F-22 for control of the skies, downing American fuel tankers at will and beating back flights of fifth-generation fighters too dumb to realize they were outmatched. Unfortunately, Chinese designers can't get the engines, as well as some other details, right.

So, while the newest J-fighters are still a threat (fuel tankers will be vulnerable when the planes carry their longest range air-to-air missiles), American fighters will still hold a firm edge against them in nearly all conditions, especially knife fights and stealth battles where the Chinese fighters' weak engines will make them have to choose between stealth and speed. Meanwhile, the American fighters can enjoy both at once, especially the F-22.

3. T-14 Armata tank

The tank can kill you without even breaking stealth. Or something.

(Russian Ministry of Defense)

It's the tank that will savagely murder every Abrams tank it faces using its autoloader and massive cannon while shrugging off enemy rounds and missiles with no problem thanks to advanced protection systems that shoot missiles down! That'd be real scary if it weren't for the fact that it probably doesn't work — and it costs too much for Russia to buy even if they knew how to fix it. At present, this is a tank that's already 7 years overdue.

It looks like Russia might be throwing in the towel on ever deploying this boondoggle. The Russian Ministry of Defense allotted $417 million for upgrading existing vehicles and canceled the destruction of 6,000 current vehicles, almost as if they think they'll need the current generation for a long time.

4. Russian Bumerang and Kurganets-25

The Russian Bumerang can swim up behind you kill you, and then use your body as a raft.

(Photo by Boevaya mashina)

Russia's newest armored vehicles, designed to complement the T-14 Armata as Russian armored columns sweep through NATO formations like Han Solo flying through the Death Star (which, for the non-Star Wars fans, didn't end well for the Death Star). And the Bumerang can do it while swimming.

But the Bumerang and Kurganets-25 rely on some of the same protection systems that don't work on the T-14, and its offensive systems aren't much better. The vehicles are supposed to be capable of remote operation, but that hasn't worked well with their "tankettes" in Syria. And this only matters if the Russian Federation can buy them, but Russia's economic problems are threatening all of their military upgrades.

5. China's carrier jet, the J-15

China's J-15 carrier-launched jet is a literal flying shark and Decepticon. It's both of them.

(Photo by Garudtejas7)

The J-15 is only six years old would launch from carriers to enforce China's will on any nation or region of the Pacific that dared stand up for freedom and justice. Too bad it's too heavy for carrier operations, has flawed mechanics that keep failing, and is already being shelved for the J-31 (which, as noted above, has its own problems).

The J-15 has to take off from the ski ramps on China's current and planned carriers, meaning it has a lower maximum takeoff weight than U.S. jets enjoying steam and electromagnetic catapults. This is an even bigger problem since its empty weight is nearly 3,000 pounds heavier than an F-18's. Plus, the plane doesn't work, suffering at least four crashes and multiple mechanical failures despite being relatively new airframes.

6. Su-57 Fighter jet

Watch out! It's right behind you!!

(Photo by Dmitry Terekhov)

The Su-57 fighter jet is equal to the F-22, better than the F-35, and can carry cruise missiles, allowing it to fly up to the American seaboard, launch strikes against U.S. cities, and then down the late-arriving jets sent up to intercept it.

It's so good, in fact, that Russia is not buying it. Yeah, that's the weird reason a Russian deputy defense minister gave for not sending the jet into mass production. It was so good and everyone knew that Russia could buy it, so they shouldn't buy it. So, if there is a shooting war, there won't be very many Su-57s to fight.

Those that do show up might not actually pose a grave threat. Why? Because it's not that good. India had paid massive development costs for a Su-57 variant but then went shopping for American jets when the Su-57 repeatedly failed to live up to its promises, especially in the power and stealth departments.

7. Russia's super carrier

For those who haven't heard, Russia is planning a supercarrier that is for-real going to happen and it'll be the best carrier. Ever. But, if completed according to the little information released, it'll be a little bigger than a Nimitz-class carrier and have similar capabilities.

So, still smaller and weaker than a Ford-class. Also, last time Russia attempted a supercarrier (or any carrier for that matter), they had barely laid the keel before their government collapsed and they took years to sell the thing off for scrap. Also, the guys who worked on that carrier and might have any idea how to build a new one are mostly retired and — this is even more important — Ukrainian.

Many Ukrainians haven't been big fans of Russia for a few years. Something about "the Crime and Peninsula" and "the Dumbass Region" or something? Add to that all of Russia's already-discussed budget issues and the fact that the carrier would cost 20 percent of the Russian military budget to build...

So, yeah, the carrier will either be imaginary or ridiculously underfunded. (Additional note: Their only current carrier needs a tug escort in case it breaks down and is filled with sewage and closed bathrooms.)