Humor

6 ways to look squared away but you're actually skating

(Photo by Airman 1st Class Eric Fisher)

Nobody wants to do work. It's just one of those boxes that need to be checked every single day.

Maybe you're just not feeling like dealing with a handful of mundane tasks that day. Perhaps you see an avalanche of bullsh*t barreling downhill and you'd rather not get run over. You might just be trying to earn your initiation into the E-4 Mafia / Lance Corporal Underground.


Whatever your personal motivations, be sure to try a few of these tricks for getting through the day without raising suspicions.

1. Walk around with a clipboard

There's no skating method more tried and true than walking around with a clipboard and randomly stopping to look at things. For maximum effect, pretend like you're checking for and marking off serial numbers.

As much as we all love this one — and believe me, it's a classic — people catch on after a while.

"Yep. That's a thing. Better move onto that other thing over there."

(Photo by Petty Officer 2nd Class Adam K Thomas)

2. Walk around with a trash bag

This one's similar to the clipboard, but this time, you're being "proactive" by helping clean up the place.

If you take your time and maybe even clean some things up, you can help prevent an actual police call of the company area.

Just be sure to pick up a few things. Not a lot, though — remember, you're still trying to be lazy.

(Photo by Cpl. Michael Dye)

3. Help motivate the stragglers during PT

During every morning run, there's always that one person who just barely keeps up with everyone's pace. Eventually, they start slowing down. That's your opportunity to slow down with them and help "bring them back."

They may not be able to keep up and might fall out completely. But until then, you get a chance to catch your breath and look like you're helping push your battle buddy along in the process.

Why do you think so many NCOs volunteer to do this? You think most NCOs do it to keep unit integrity? Hell no.

(U.S. Army Courtesy Photo)

4. Call the gut truck but DON'T go to it

Need the perfect distraction for about ten to twenty minutes? Call the gut truck. People will think you're doing them all a favor and that you're taking ten seconds to call up the truck out of the kindness of your heart.

Immediately, everyone from the lowest private to the senior officers will drop what they're doing to grab a quick bite to eat. That's your cue to enjoy the silence until they get back.

No one is immune to the lure of the gut truck!

(Photo by Sgt. 1st Class Ben K. Navratil)

5. Call cadence

No one ever questions or understands how vital the cadence caller is to morning PT.

Think about it: The entire platoon/company isn't just running at the pace of the lead runner, it's running at the pace of the person calling cadence. The unit moves to the rhythm of every beat. If you control that rhythm, things will move at your pace.

No one will notice that you're secretly making everyone run slower.

(Photo by Sgt. Natalie Dillon)

6. Just look motivated

If there's any common thread between skaters across all branches, it's that they all need to pretend like they're excited and happy to be there.

A fake smile will take you everywhere. If you look good, you are good, right?

Fake it 'til you make it.

(U.S. Army Courtesy photo)