MightyScopes for the week of March 18th

It's Noadamus again, and I'm here welcome to the magical land of right now. Where the past is done and what it means is open to interpretation, the future is so far away you may never live to see it. Right now is the only moment you are guaranteed. Lightning could strike you down a second from now, a car could wander into your lane an hour from now, but right now, you are alive.

So, you should totally check out your horoscope, because if you are gonna die, you might as well open your mind hole to some wisdom from the stars first. Besides, you'll probably be fine — this week.

See you soon, and remember, do flutter kicks.

Sincerely, Noadamus.

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MightyScopes for the week of March 6th

Dear dumbass,

Even though I am a prophet, you can't base your entire life off a horoscope, no matter how badass and totally true it is. You might have to make some decisions on your own. I know, that's scary and you might make mistakes. I can't be there to hold your hand. At least, not unless you pay me, a lot, cause you're pretty f'ed up.

Anyway, don't be such a soup sandwich. You're embarrassing me.

Sincerely, Noadamus.

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MightyScopes for the week of February 27th

Hey Noadamus, how did you get so wise? Were you always so enlightened? If I study at the feet of the master, can I hope to become as wise as you one day? Should I take up a musical instrument? What sort of stocks should I day trade in?

You ask a lot of damn questions. What are you, Congress?

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MightyScopes for the week of February 20th

Are you ready to see the future like a Green Beret?

Happy Hump day to all you crusty NCOs, overly enthusiastic corporals, dumb-ass butterbars, and all you other sh*tbirds, too. Noadamus here, so you best get to parade rest while I illuminate your path; my crystal magic is turned up to full auto. You know what, just drop and do pushups until I come back.

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MightyScopes for the week of February 13th

Noadamus, a Green-Beret-turned-internet-prophet, is here to tell you what the stars have in store.

Hump Day Horoscopes in your mouth, you nasty boots. Noadamus here, operator and internet prophet with crystal magic who can see the future. Okay, I made the crystal crap part up, but I was raised by hippies and weaned on goats' milk, so open your ear holes and listen to PaPa Bear.

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Pisces

Can't go home 'cause you have to work past COB and Household 6 won't shut up about it? Just take a deep breath, everything starts to look better closer to the weekend. You might even find some time to nerd out on whatever Dungeons & Dragons spells you're casting. By next Wednesday, you're a powerhouse, smoldering and passionate.

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Aries

Seriously dude (or dudette), chill the F' out, 'fore you give yo-self a hernia. Your energy is almost unlimited, but everyone's patience is not. You're kicking ass and taking names, crushing every PT event, and you're goddamn Jonny Ringo at the range, but you don't know everything, and next week, a family member won't hesitate to remind you, repeatedly.

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Taurus

You're gonna get some attention. Doesn't mean you want it.

The weekend brings a surge of energy, useful during CQB and for meeting your future ex-girl/boyfriend. Your tactical knowledge pays off and thrusts you into a leadership role, but causes you more disruption than your stubborn ass would care for. You are likely to be recognized as the subject-matter expert.

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Gemini

Wednesday has you on edge. Take a knee and drink water. You'll live... probably. Not everyone is out to get you, and people still like you, and yes, everybody thinks you're clever. Snuggle up with your woobie, and if you can suck it up until next week, your silver tongue will return and you'll be a superstar at work again. Speaking of stars, if you got pipes, middle of next week is a great time to rock an open mic.

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Cancer

Whatever secrets you're hiding are subject to rumor and gossip this Wednesday. Just remember your SERE training: say nothing, and by the weekend, people will move on to more interesting talk. Early next week, everyone from your significant other to the MPs to the crustiest Gunny in the division wants to butt heads with you. And they call you sensitive? By the middle of next week, things are starting to look up.

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Leo

You're really only sabotaging yourself.

Remember that one time you let your friends talk you into doing the stupid-ass sh*t that almost got you court-martialed? Oh wait, that's this Wednesday. Pull your head out of your ass, Corporal, and try not to pick any more fights at work. Next week looks good for your wallet; guess all that day-trading is finally paying off.

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Virgo

Wednesday is a trifecta of suck. The house (or family) is demanding money, friends and coworkers are overly argumentative, and your buddy told everyone about your browser history. It's called cyber security. Seriously, sergeant. Next week sucks, too, but at least after the weekend, nobody is busting your balls at work. I'm prescribing some meditation classes — you must chillax.

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Libra

Why you stirring up so much shit? Your neighbors are pissed, the morons in your unit are pissed, every damn instructor you have to deal with is pissed. You need to ask yourself — who's actually the asshole here? Here's a hint: It's you, you pretentious snob. You cannot win all of these battles and some of these people are on your side. Don't be such a blue falcon, buddy f*cker.

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Scorpio

It's probably for the best that you still live in the barracks.

If all of your idiot friends overdraft their credit cards at the gentlemen's club, does that mean you will, too? Dumb question, we both know you will. Don't wake up Thursday morning five bills in the hole. In fact, this Wednesday and every night through this weekend, just stay in the barracks and watch a documentary on Buddha or something. Oh yeah, don't let your aggression get the better of you next week.

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Sagittarius

You're bleeding money trying to keep up with your rent and your drinking escapades. Don't get mad when people get pissed off by your scandalous behavior and your inability to commit to a relationship. The good news is that next week you will remember you have a job and, even though you will not have the most squared away uniform, your aggression will inspire others and make peers and supervisors alike forget how much of a flake you are.

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Capricorn

Trust me, I really want to lie to you and say things are looking up, but… things continue to be terrible for you and you will continue to be a moody asshole. You can't use this excuse to be a miserable human being; you're better than that. If you have children, keep them occupied this week or they might burn down your house, and no one wants to listen to you b*tch anymore.

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