If you need a spouse, this is what the Marines would issue

There’s an old USMC saying, “If the Corps wanted me to have a wife, they would have issued me one.”

While the phrase is meant as a joke, when analyzed further, it becomes clear that “the most difficult job in the Corps,” or being a military spouse, requires a variety of attributes if you want to cultivate a successful partnership.

Related: 5 things infantrymen love about the woobie

If the Marine Corps was responsible for issuing spouses, these are the five attributes they’d have.

5. Spouses would come from military families

The Marine Corps is well-known for issuing Gulf War-era Army gear and your new life partner is no exception. Get ready to sign for and receive your 45-year-old Army brat that supply is going to issue you.

They may not look all shiny and brand new, but what they lack in aesthetics they more than make-up for in years of proven, valuable experience.

Certificate of authenticity.

4. Maximum capacity of three offspring

Marines are trained to plan for the worst — to have a backup plan for their backup plan. That mentality is just exactly what issued spouses would be accustomed to, which is why having a primary, secondary, and tertiary legacy is appropriate.

Any more and the situation would seem redundant, any less and you’re playing with fire.

Kid with a machine gun, USMC issue

3. Financial accountability

In all honesty, junior enlisted Marines are not well-known for their financial foresight. Given the high tempo training cycles, their chances of overlooking a few things are close to inevitable.

That’s why every Marine-issued spouse will have a degree in accounting from the Armed Forces University. You can rest easy, Marine, while your money is managed by the one you’ve been told to trust the most.

Carry the two and — he spends way too much on Copenhagen long cut & Rip-its.

2. Diplomatic superiority

Marines have a storied history of high morale, foul mouths, and dirty minds. This translates to acting a fool at parties which, unfortunately, can land those same devil dogs in some hot water. Betrothing a Marine-suppressor in the form of a life companion that is classy AF is essential.

Answer: Pretty damn classy.

Also Read: 5 things boot Marines buy with their first paycheck

1. Tier one mobilization expertise.

Changing duty stations regularly is a part of life for any Marine and moving with a family can be stressful, to say the least. That is why all issued spouses will come equipped with the same capabilities of USMC Logistics/Embarkation Warrant Officer and, if you’re lucky, the same sweet disposition.