6 reasons why serving under Captain America would suck

Captain America is everything you want. He is everything you need. Cap is everything inside of you that you wish you could be. He says all the right things at exactly the right time. But he is annoying as f*ck and you will soon know why.

Having a charismatic officer with sound judgment and the physical prowess to match is the dream of most any enlisted person, but if that leader was Captain America, the fantasy wouldn’t match reality.

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1. His enforcement of AR 670-1 — while wearing his tights.

Cap believes in rules and regulations and he expects you to do the same while enforcing the standards among your peers — except he’s not your peer and that haircut with those clown tights are not authorized under AR 670-1.

Also, what’s with his uniform’s design? Is he Captain America or Captain Puerto Rico?

Captain America

Whose side are you on anyway, Cap? (Photo by Randy Chiu)

2. The PT… Embarrassing.

Rogers can run a mile in 73 seconds, bench press 1200 pounds, and is invulnerable to fatigue… so, this would suck.

3. His aversion to cursing.

Every f*cking soldier, Marine, airman, and sailor is a big-f*cking-fan of some casual, godd*mn expletives.

So, this f*cking boy scout with his sh*tty sense of propriety would drive you up the f*cking wall.

4. Drinking with him would be expensive and dumb.

Say you get back from some nutso, Avengers-esque deployment and you want to celebrate the victory with your fearless leader.

No can do — this guy physically cannot get drunk. Buy as many shots as you want, it’ll be for nothing except your own alcohol poisoning.

5. Zero weapons training.

Cap doesn’t like guns for whatever reason. Your range time would be dramatically cut short in favor of throwing around trash can lids.

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6. His moto speeches will make you reconsider your life choices.

As if you could ever possibly live up to him. There’s a reason he got the super soldier serum and you didn’t.