Military marriages are forged under pressure, but intimacy is often the first casualty no one talks about.
We all have seen the “be all you can be” heroic narrative commercials that paint the life of a military career as one that will fulfill all of your dreams. But what they leave out is how it can often leave the bedroom cold, dry, or simply empty. While many marriages lack intimacy, military relationships are particularly susceptible to the unwillful neglect of relational closeness that defines intimacy, especially in the bedroom.
Also Read: How military couples can ‘armor up’ for love and war
Marriage is hard, but marriage in the military is like the age-old saying: you have to work twice as hard for half the results.
Deployments, time zone gaps, and the stress of constant moves often lead to frigid, lonely nights. From PCS chaos, field time, staff duty, TDYs (and don’t get me started on the exhaustion of parenting), it’s important not to let a cold bedroom ice over the relationship entirely.
People naturally focus on the sexual aspect of intimacy, and while yes, that is a very important aspect of intimacy in marriages, it’s not the primary dynamic. The closeness that intimacy requires is really about maintaining connection under pressure. Intimacy is an emotional, physical, and relational connection that reinforces trust, safety, and emotional regulation.
Intimacy often becomes the first thing sacrificed, and the last thing repaired for military couples. The dynamics of a military marriage can make it difficult to maintain physical closeness, connection, affection, and shared vulnerability necessary to establish and maintain intimacy. Where there is no intimacy, there is often very little holding the relationship together.
Military couples train for separation, stress, and sacrifice, but no one prepares us for how easy it is to drift apart intimately when survival mode becomes the norm.
If your marriage seems to lack intimacy, it is not a failure; this is actually quite normal. Military life makes intimacy hard. Reentry after deployment, shift work, exhaustion, and the emotional armor from service, on top of parenting schedules, contribute to a limited margin for relational intimacy. Now that we have established the importance of emotional and relational intimacy, we must circle back to the physical aspect.
I’ve yet to find a downside to a healthy, active sex life—one that’s often essential to a strong marriage—so let’s talk about the silent cost of neglecting the bedroom. Couples that fail to maintain a healthy bedroom life often experience emotional distance, increased conflict, and feelings of rejection or overwhelm. It can also lead to insecurity when one partner feels unwanted or unseen. Let’s keep it real: neglect in any area of intimacy within a relationship will almost always lead to relational destruction.
Intimacy isn’t optional maintenance; it’s necessary preventative care for your marriage. When your nervous system is always on alert, intimacy doesn’t come naturally, it has to be intentional. Here are some practical ways to keep the spark alive (or reignite it) even when life feels like one long field exercise:
1. Schedule Connection Without Killing the Mood
- Date nights don’t have to be fancy
- Consistency beats spontaneity in military life
2. Rebuild Emotional Intimacy First
- Check-ins after hard days
- Affirmation without expectation
3. Make Physical Affection Normal Again
- Hand-holding, hugs, sitting close
- Physical safety before physical intimacy
4. Talk About Needs Without Blame
- “I miss us” vs. “You never…”
- Timing matters
5. Protect the Marriage Like You Protect the Mission
- Boundaries
- Privacy
- Respecting the marriage space
If your marriage is experiencing a dry season, all hope is not lost. Non-miliary factors that can contribute to dry seasons include hormonal changes, stress, and other trauma. It’s not a weakness to seek counseling or support; in fact, it’s highly recommended if your marriage has been depleted of intimacy, and self-help just isn’t always enough.
Seeking support is like the assist on a game-winning buzzer-beater. You may not take the final shot, but the pass you make is what wins the championship for your marriage. Dry seasons don’t mean dead marriages. They mean it’s time to tend to what matters.
Military couples don’t need perfection in the bedroom—they need intention. Because when intimacy is protected, everything else in the marriage fights better. If you don’t work on your marriage on purpose, intimacy won’t happen by accident.
Don’t Miss the Best of We Are The Mighty
• Everything they don’t tell you about the financial realities of moving overseas
• PCS Hair Hustle: Why finding a Black stylist shouldn’t be a military mission
• Social media safety: A guide for military families
