This is Chapter 6 in the Wellness Memoir. Catch up here.
Long-distance relationships are challenging, but adding health issues into the mix takes it to another level. I often found myself wrestling with how much of my health struggles to share with my deployed husband. I wanted him to know the truth but also didn’t want to burden him with stress while he faced his own challenges during the year we were apart.
It felt like I had to navigate recovery on my own because he couldn’t see or fully understand what I was going through. Just as I couldn’t grasp the day-to-day realities of his combat duties, he couldn’t truly relate to my health struggles. Humor became our coping mechanism. We joked to lighten the load of tough situations—sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn’t.
Growing through the marriage experience
Our relationship didn’t have a traditional start. In high school, I was a sporty tomboy who hung out with my now-husband and his group of friends. Even now, I marvel at how we ended up together—it just seemed meant to be.
Our dynamic was built on sarcasm and wit. The playful banter and insults tossed around our friend group were oddly comforting. Romance was never our first priority; instead, our connection was grounded in friendship.
But when my husband went on his first deployment, I learned our relationship needed to evolve. The sarcastic, lighthearted dynamic wasn’t enough to sustain us during the emotional roller coaster of separation. We had to grow together emotionally to keep our marriage strong.
The reality of deployment
Military life has a way of testing marriages. Time apart forces you to either grow stronger or drift apart. For my husband and me, deployment meant learning how to stay connected despite being separated by thousands of miles.
During his first deployment, letters were our only means of communication. By his year-long deployment, we had the occasional luxury of a phone call. I still remember the frustration of missing those rare calls because I was out running errands or at a playdate. This was before cell phones became constant companions.
Writing letters and emails became our lifeline. Through them, we developed a deeper style of communication. We could express our fears, hopes and frustrations in a way that we didn’t always do in person. Those letters carried us through and even years later, I reread them to remind myself of how far we’ve come.
Staying focused on marriage
Deployment challenges a marriage in unique ways. It separates not just people but also the paths they’re walking together. To keep our marriage strong, I had to intentionally work on it—even when we were apart.
Bible studies and devotionals tailored to military spouses became a source of strength for me. The wisdom of seasoned military spouses also provided invaluable advice and perspective. Staying hopeful and committed was a daily choice.
In many ways, deployments became a time of personal growth for me. I learned to focus on myself so that I could support our marriage better.
Separate but equally challenged
One of the hardest truths of military life is that deployments create experiences we can’t fully share with our spouses. My husband went through things I’ll never truly understand, and I faced challenges he couldn’t fully grasp. Those separate experiences shape who we are, both as individuals and as a couple.
I learned to hold on to the “why” of our marriage. Remembering our purpose and commitment helped me push through the resentment that sometimes crept in when I felt overwhelmed by doing life on my own.
Military spouses are changed by deployments. Life doesn’t pause just because your partner is away. You wear many hats as a military spouse, manage every crisis, and face every mountain solo. But looking back, I see how those experiences shaped me into someone stronger.
Growing stronger together
Over time, I’ve made peace with the parts of military life I had to face alone. Those challenges became my personal journey, independent of my husband. They forced me to grow in ways I didn’t expect.
Our marriage, though, has been the complement to that growth. It evolves with us, adapting to the times we’re apart and growing when we’re together. The strength we’ve built as individuals feeds into the strength of our partnership. And that, to me, is the heart of surviving and thriving in military marriage.