MIGHTY CULTURE

The complete guide to not being a Blue Falcon

Blue Falcons are military buddy f**kers and no one likes them. Here's a quick primer on how to avoid being one in six common service situations, whether you're Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines. ...I honestly don't know how the Coast Guard works.

Seriously, you wouldn't think this would be that hard. But, for some reason, people keep pulling stunts or snitching on members of their own platoon and screwing the unit as a whole. So, here we are, writing a guide to teach everyone how to not Blue Falcon.

For anyone out there who doesn't know the code, Blue Falcons are "Buddy F**kers," folks who screw over their peers by being either overly zealous, overly lazy, or just a straight up jerk.


Dental/Medical Appointments

This photo of a dental technician is included because it frightens me — and I find that funny.

(U.S. Air Force photo by Airman 1st Class Collette Brooks)

This is likely the biggest source of inadvertent Blue Falconing, so let's go through it. It usually starts with a unit dental screening, resulting in a few Joes and Jills getting the same appointment date — and there's the rub. When the appointments are done, all of the troops have to decide what to do: Go back immediately or dawdle for a few hours?

Who, exactly, is the Blue Falcon here is conditional. If, and only if, the unit has vital stuff going on, everyone should go back to the unit, and anyone trying to dawdle is screwing the unit, performing Blue Falconry.

Blue Falcon

But the unit will almost certainly have nothing going on. Then, most of the guys will want to go to the barracks and one "high-speed" will want to go back to the unit and sniff the platoon sergeant's butt. In this case, he's the Blue Falcon. Seriously, dude/dudette, if you really have to do Army stuff right now, do some correspondence courses in your barracks while everyone else plays video games. Stop making everyone else show up to sit around the company for no reason.

Living in the field

Personal tents help protect your buddies from your Blue Falconry in the field, but it's still your job to not be a dick.

(U.S. Marine Corps photo by Lance Cpl. Dalton S. Swanbeck)

There're all sorts of ways to screw over your buddies while living in the field. First, while preparing for the field, pack the entire packing list unless:

  1. You're sure leadership won't check, and
  2. That neither you nor your unit will need the missing item.

This means that you always bring items like ponchos, which the squad or platoon may need to protect gear from water, even if you don't think you'll wear it.

Also, if there's anything in MREs or hot rats that gives you indigestion, do not eat it before everyone piles into cots or Ranger graves right next to each other. If you smoke, chew, dip, or use snuff, you bring your own. Bring your cleaning kit, bring your own hygiene items, and adjust your sleep schedule to the mission. No one wants to give up their supplies or carry your weight.

Ruck marches

Green berets carry their weight. Blue Falcons don't. Always go green.

(U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Connor Mendez)

Speaking of carrying your own weight: do it on ruck marches, you Blue Falcons. This is especially true on real patrols where the unit is likely carrying more weight than during training marches. If it's gear that the platoon needs and you can't carry it, fine; you can work with your buddies to redistribute the weight. But if you have 10 pounds in personal electronics and comfort items, you're on your own.

This goes double for any support personnel who are sent to maneuver units to provide a service. You do not add to the unit's weight. Do not bring anything you can't carry. I mean, sure, if you're bringing a Wolfhound with you, you might have to share some weight. But if you're carrying an extra aid bag or a video camera, ruck up. The infantry has enough weight.

Formations

Army troops get a safety brief. It's one of the most sensible and important formations of the week.

(US Army photo by Sgt. 1st Class Craig Norton)

This one is simple: You go to formations at the assigned time in the assigned uniform with the assigned gear. Otherwise, your entire formation is left waiting around or getting smoked while you try to run and grab it.

And sometimes, there's an agreed-upon piece of gear you bring even if it's not assigned. If it's a cold morning but the word is no pants in formation, you stow those in a car or behind the formation anyway. If first sergeant is feeling cold and offers to wear pants on the run, but you're the only one without the whole uniform, then you deserve the heckling during the run.

Oh, and if you ask a question during a formation that doesn't apply to the whole formation, screw you so hard with threaded objects.

Alibis

Weird that this guy wore his uniform during the police chase. Looks more like a training event than anything. It's almost like we have to illustrate this with stock photos.

(U.S. Air Force photo by Senior Airman Chase Sousa)

And if you're in a Saturday at 0300 formation because first sergeant suspects that the 20-ish white male leading the police on a chase with a captured panda bear is a member of your company, you keep your mouth shut or you say that you're pretty sure Jenkins is at a video game launch party that night (assuming first sergeant doesn't know that games release on Tuesdays).

You do not mention his panda posters, key chain, and tattoos, or the fact that he had been bragging about a new kind of spice that doesn't show up on drug tests. If he's not leading the police on a chase, your unnecessary snitching is screwing him. If he is, the police can catch him without your help. Develop some tactical patience.

"Gear adrift"

This gear is laying out on purpose. Don't steal his crap.

(U.S. Army Pfc. Charles Thorman)

Look, if you leave gear — personal or government-issued — laying out, you're taking risks. But, if someone in your platoon or squad leaves stuff out, your job is to secure it and then call them an idiot later. You don't steal from within the unit. That "gear adrift is a gift" thing is Navy shenanigans. And even then, you shouldn't do it in your own shop or section.

But, guys, if your buddies keep having to secure your sh*t, then get a handle on your sh*t. It's not your section's job to keep track of your stuff. Blue Falcons leave their stuff lying around. Real adults are able to take care of their own lives.