5 little reasons why getting married on active duty sucks
When I was a young, motivated recruit at Parris Island, my drill instructor stood behind a stack of foot lockers assembled into a podium. "This is the most important period of instruction of your life," he said with a thousand-yard stare. What were we talking about?
For an unknown amount of time, we sat there, listening to passionate warnings from our most-feared mentor. He recited romantic tragedies that gave Greek myths a run for their money. Afterwards, he gave the obligatory lesson on the administrative process of enrolling your new family for benefits.
Today, I pass those words of traumatic wisdom onto you, the young, love-struck recruit.
1. Deployments don't get easier, you get tougher
Marines are tough — and they need an equally tough spouse to weather the storm of deployments. We're the tip of the spear, and you need to make sure that's what your spouse bargained for.
Some deployments are shorter than others and they involve varying degrees of danger — but they don't easier. You need someone that, when the going gets tough, they get tougher. But it'll always suck.
2. You're not getting out of work, you're doing different work
Some troops use their marriage as a way to get out of work, and there's nothing single troops can do but watch them put on those already-sharp skates and get out of dodge — but it's not all free time and rainbows on the other side.
I had a master gunnery sergeant who referred to his wife as the 'sergeant major' of the house. When you're single, can you just pack your stuff in your car and hit the road. Married Marines, however, have much more red tape to navigate.
3. You'll miss being a degenerate
Gone are the days of actionable intel from the Lance Corporal Underground, last-minute trips to a bar crawl, and the spontaneous brawls between Alpha company and Charlie company.
Sure, you might not miss the part where the Big Green Weenie conducts acts of terror. You won't miss random formations, the duty needing something or drunk people breaking your stuff, but you will miss time with the boys.
4. Everyone knows your secrets
Your spouse needs friends. Naturally, the spouses of your friends are the first round draft picks. They can keep each other informed on what your unit is doing, important dates and if you're being delayed.
In a way, it's convenient. Even if you haven't had the opportunity to speak with your loved one, he or she knows why, and won't worry. However, that's not the only thing they'll talk about. Assume nothing is sacred. Susie and Kelly know your secrets in and out of the bedroom. OPSEC or the whole unit will know your search history, too.
5. Contract marriages are, uh... flimsy
A contract marriage is when two people fall in love — for money. The Big Green Weenie and the law's blue version will hold hands while they unceremoniously wreck your life. Not only is it illegal to marry someone for the increased pay and benefits, but your spouse will inevitably betray you.
Before your first deployment is over, your house will be sold, your truck will be gone, and they'll upload a video wearing your favorite shirt that can't be shown on YouTube.