Articles

Suing the president and other forms of military professional suicide

The headlines lit up today with the news that Army Captain Nathan Michael Smith (sounds like a cross between a Revolutionary War icon and a Christian pop music star) has sued President Barack Obama, who also happens to be Smith's commander-in-chief, because he believes that the war against ISIS is unconstitutional and illegal.


"To honor my oath, I am asking the court to tell the president that he must get proper authority from Congress, under the War Powers Resolution, to wage the war against ISIS in Iraq and Syria," Smith wrote.

As reported by The New York Times, the White House has countered that its position is legitimate because the Islamic State used to be a Qaeda affiliate in Iraq during the Iraq War.

Regardless of how this plays out on other fronts, one thing is for sure: Smith, an intelligence officer currently stationed in Kuwait, won't be making major. There are few things those sitting in offices along the nice part of the E Ring in the Pentagon hate more than a smarty-pants zealot junior officer getting all constitutional-law on them and making them look like they don't have any control over their people.

So, basically, Smith has just committed professional suicide, which got us here at WATM thinking about a few other effective means to terminate active duty pronto:

1. Snort heroin but claim you ate a couple of poppy seed bagels

This one's good because you'll most certainly pop positive on your command's next whizz quiz, and you'll be processed for an "other than honorable" discharge, which -- depending on your legal team -- can show you the door in a hurry. The beauty of the poppy seed excuse is it induces just the right amount of doubt that you'll be thrown out without all the associated ick of being a scumbag druggie . . . just some of it.

2. Have classified information found in your home

This happens to aviators more than any other warfare specialty. Here's the usual scenario: A pilot packs his flight gear, including his kneeboard, after his last hop in a squadron right before a PCS move. He fails to notice that a couple of the briefing cards clipped to his kneeboard are labeled "SECRET NOFORN." During the move one of the packers stumbles across the card, and she winds up showing it to one of her neighbors at the apartment complex who happens to work at the local NCIS office.

Or these days you can have secret stuff found in your private email account . . .

Nice knowing you, Classified Breach Maverick.

3. Have a messy breakup with someone under you in the chain of command

Notice we didn't say "have an intimate relationship with someone under you in the chain of command." Relationships aren't the problem. Breakups are. So if you're already involved with someone doing things that you shouldn't be, keep it going. And if you can't keep it going, creep away with the attention of a GI easing out of a German minefield (cause if you don't it's not your legs that are going to get blown off).

"Hell hath no fury . . ." and your CO will see that you're thrown out in a hurry, but only after your photo is splashed on the front page of Military Times.

4. Talk to the press without running it by your PAO

(Photo: U.S. Army)

He who dies with the most Facebook friends wins, right? Well, there's no better way to get people to think you're all kinds of awesome than getting quoted in the paper or having your face on the news. And speak your mind about foreign policy and national security; it's a free country.

Actually, if you do this you'll be hammered after your CO gets a call from the guy or girl in the chain of command above him. And let's just say you're next eval or fitrep won't be the vehicle that launches you to the next rank, more like one that launches you out the door.

4 critical components to the success of the first total penis transplant

The procedure was performed on an Afghanistan war veteran wounded by an IED

Doctors at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Maryland announced the first-ever successful total penis and scrotum transplant was performed on an Afghanistan veteran recently. The recipient was wounded in an IED attack that left him without sexual or urinary function but left his internal organs unharmed.

The procedure was performed on March 26th and the unidentified "sergeant" will have urinary function by the end of the week.

Keep reading... Show less
Articles

How R. Lee Ermey's Hollywood break is an inspiration to us all

While there have been many outstanding actors and celebrities who have raised their right hand, there has never been a veteran who could finger point his way to the top of Hollywood stardom quite like the late great Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey.

Keep reading... Show less
GEAR & TECH

Marines used a 3D printed F-35 replacement part for the first time

Marines with Combat Logistic Battalion 31, 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit, are now capable of "additive manufacturing," also known as 3-D printing.

This innovative process uses 3-D printing software to break down a digital model into layers that can be reproduced by the printer. The printer then builds the model from the ground up, layer by layer, creating a tangible object.

Keep reading... Show less
History

The 'indomitable determination' of John Paul Jones lives on in the Navy

April is a great month to remember the namesake of one of our Pearl Harbor guided-missile destroyers, USS John Paul Jones, named for a founding hero of our Navy and proudly known by the crew and their families and friends as "JPJ."

On April 19, 1775, the Battles of Lexington and Concord lit the match of Revolution against British tyranny. At the time Great Britain had more than 250 warships with nearly half having 50 or more guns – cannons. Our tiny naval force consisted of a few ragtag privateers and some humble sailing vessels. Even before our nation began, the founders commissioned 13 frigates and recruited warfighters, including immigrants like John Paul Jones.

Keep reading... Show less
Articles

This is how the 'missing man formation' honors fallen pilots

The first time I witnessed a 'missing man formation' was at the funeral of my grandfather, who flew the B-25 Mitchell during World War II. After his service in the Army Air Corps, he became a commercial pilot for TWA and then ventured into private flight. He died in an airplane crash at the age of 74 and my family gathered with his aviation community at Santa Paula Airport for his memorial.

At the ceremony, we looked to the sky as a group of planes from the Condor Squadron flew overhead. One of the planes banked away, leaving an empty space in the formation.

The symbolism was not lost on me.

Keep reading... Show less
Veterans

This Army vet started a supplement company dedicated to education

Before John Klipstein joined the Army, he smoked a pack a day and his PT test run time was roughly 23 minutes — which accounts for the time spent throwing up on the side of the track. The military turned that around. The newly-minted 13B found a love for fitness and pushing his body to the limit. After leaving the military, he developed a line of supplements to help others do the same — safely.

Keep reading... Show less

Taiwan is ready to push back against China's aggression

Tensions between the Peoples Republic of China and Taiwan have recently flared up as China held the largest show of naval force in its history in April 2018, and made new threats directed towards Taipei.

"We would like to reaffirm that we have strong determination, confidence and capability to destroy any type of 'Taiwan independence' scheme in order to safeguard the country's sovereignty and territorial integrity," Ma Xiaoguang, a spokeswoman for the State Council's Taiwan Affairs Office, recently said.

Keep reading... Show less
GEAR & TECH

The president is getting a new Marine One after almost 60 years

Marine One is an icon of the presidency and for the most part, one helicopter has carried that load for almost 60 years: The VH-3, which first carried President Eisenhower in 1961. The current D model of the VH-3 entered service in 1978 and was later backed up with the introduction of the VH-60N in 1987. But, the fact remains that both of these helicopters are getting older by the day.

Keep reading... Show less